Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Groundhog Day Edition....(2-4-21)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Groundhog Day Edition….

Well kids, we are well in to our first week in February…that much closer to spring, at least we were until the Punxsutawney Ground Hog Club couldn’t mind their own business and had to poke the bear, or in this case, poke the ground hog and wake his warm self up, drag him in to the cold, to tell us what we already know…it’s winter and the first day of spring isn’t until March 20th. Really doesn’t matter what Phil says…even he can’t control Mother Nature or the calendar. And besides…it has been one long Groundhog Day since March 2020, just sayin. So here’s what I’ve got…

1. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Tuesday morning and, according to legend, (and Jim Burns,) that means six additional weeks of heavy coats and mittens. Apparently, the poor bastard was woken from a deep slumber at 7:25am, so I’m thinking, serves us all right that we have six more weeks of winter just for bothering the poor guy. I know we have nothing better to do, but still.

2. The first Groundhog’s day was on February 2, 1887. Clearly that group of people known as the “Inner Circle”, donning top hats and long black coats, had even less to do at that time than we do during the Pandemic. Even now, they stand around looking dignified and official, conducting the proceedings in Pennsylvania Dutch dialect and supposedly speak “Groundhogese”. I kid you not and speak the truth people…I cannot make this stuff.

3. With the above said, do you think the “Inner Circle” ever suffers the occasional groundhog bite? And if not, maybe the groundhog should start biting these “dignitaries” so they’ll finally leave him alone. I’d get behind that. I want to bite people too when I’m being dragged out of bed - in the cold - in the dead of winter.

4. Apparently in the early 1990’s some people in Vermillion, Ohio with nothing better to do, got sick of the Groundhog and his shenanigans and started up their own tradition. These residents began relying on the Woolybear caterpillar. These little critters even have their own Woolybear Festival each year, that believe it or not, started in the 70’s. Lots of hype for an insect, who it was later found, aren’t reliable at all. These little liars don’t accurately predict the weather, their rings are a result of the prior years weather, yet they still have an annual festival. What good does telling us what happened last year do for us now? Bunch of frauds, and they still get a party.

5. I think that those of us working in the Protective Services department should start our own weather predicting tradition using the rats and other vermin we discover on some of our home visits. The bigger the rat, the colder the winter. That brings me to one of my all- time favorite quotes by none other than, you guessed it, Leah Hazard Robinson… “Woo mice…not quite rats, not quite mice…”, 3/27/2018.

6. Groundhogs, caterpillars and rats, brings me to Pot Belly Pig Dog. She loves the snow. She predicts nothing, other than the stupidity of those of us living with her who have thumbs. She and her pack have managed to flimflam all of us out of a second breakfast, every day, since Al went back to work. She’ll be back to her Pot Belly pre weight before we know it if this keeps up, but that may actually work in my favor and prevent her from being able to launch herself over the fence and out of the yard. I’m not chasing her. Good luck and God speed Pot Belly. Stay tuned.

7. Pot Belly, Harley and all other furry creatures who live here in the hood

- they’re not impressed with the snowman we built. They’re viewing him as an intruder and have done their best to dismember his arms and carrot nose. If they’re not growling at him out the window, they’re dismantling him on the porch. This my friends, is why we cannot have nice things. Please see exhibits #1.

8. Harley. Harley is no fool and until the weather hits 65 or above, she is happy to fight off those she feels threaten us directly from her perch in the front room. Despite the chilly temps and snow covered fences and yard, the mockery from the woodland creatures continues. Please see exhibit #2. This would be Frank. Frank’s a squirrel. Do not mistake Frank for a Groundhog. He serves no purpose in our yard other than to send Harley in to a daily tizzy that I’m sure gets reported back to Franks chipmunk friends.

9. The shredder…well, I did it again kids and have enacted a self- imposed intervention, because I clearly need protection from myself. I thought I’d get with the times and deposit my ESW bonus check using my mobile app. Just like the “cloud” I shouldn’t have trusted it, or myself for that matter, in actually accomplishing a task that you all probably complete successfully on a regular basis. This should shock no one that I didn’t follow simple instructions, didn’t complete the deposit correctly, and that check hit the shredder 60 days earlier than the bank says it should. Once again, JoAnn and our Fiscal Dpt had to clean up my mess. I’d like to say that JoAnn was surprised I did such a thing, but she was not. She was anticipating the call/email of distress and was prepared to fix my screw up. She. Is. A. Superhero. The Fiscal Dpt has been tolerating my nonsense since 1995 and I acknowledge that I am like a full time job for them. It takes a village people. Imagine if I owned a chainsaw?

10. Shower update...now that Al’s working out of the house again, the girls have taken full advantage of their abuse of the shower. It’s like Christmas around here. Choose your battles people, I have bigger fish to fry and am not getting involved. It’s the Dad’s job to get all worked up about the shower, the heat – I might even leave the back door wide open, to heat the outside, just because I can.

11. And last but not least…I hope you learned something from the antics this week…unplug your shredders, pay some respect to those who are in charge of your checks, because you never know when you’re gonna need them, and for the love of God and all that’s holy, use caution and restraint should ever choose to operate a chainsaw. Like the shredder, you’re going to want to cut down everything in the neighborhood.

Have a great weekend!