Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Graduation Week Edition...(6-11-20)

Your Weekly Update in Pandemic Antics Graduation week addition…

1. Facetimed with Gramma Edie yesterday for her 98th Birthday. I asked her if she’s behaving and being nice to the aides at the nursing home. She’s deaf as a door nail, so naturally thinks she’s whispering when in actuality she’s screaming… “Ssshhhh…I have to be nice…these girls are helping me hide my booze….” Well that explains some of the calls I’ve been getting.

2. You know the last few months have been rough when your middle child has her high school diploma dropped off to her at home no thanks to being stuck in 14 day quarantine. To document this momentous occasion the kid had me take her picture with said diploma, while she pretended she was posing for a police line- up, all while mumbling “ at least if I go to the clink I can say I’ve been somewhere in the past three months…” That statement alone validates that she was NOT switched at birth and really is my child…please see exhibit #1 attached…

3. Shed update…still incomplete. Tough crowd here in the hood.

4. Skateboard update…Al built yet another one, and so far so good, no ER visits or broken bones. My kid is still in one piece. Al lives to skateboard another day.

5. Well folks, Sue Miller (my Mom,) has finally gone rogue. Once Colonial Bowling on Mill Street announced they were closing, we all knew it was only a matter of time. She jumped ship yesterday, calling to tell me, “You’re not the boss of me…” and went to Home Depot to buy potting soil. Not the grocery store. Not out to buy gas, or meds, or essential items needed to live. Friggin potting soil. #GRAMMYSGONEBATSHITCRAZY

6. You know you’ve had enough when you’ve started to name the squirrels who you feel are personally harassing you. Fat Bastard Freddy has taken a liking to digging up the flowers in my deck boxes…every single night. I have plans for him – he may meet his untimely demise by next weeks update.

7. The four free loading dogs who live here…they’re all on my list, as they do NOTHING to assist me in matters that concern Fat Bastard Freddy and his shifty gang of squirrel friends. And by the way, Harley has totally given up on the chipmunks. She is now embracing the wildlife that is over running our yards and our streets since the Pandemic started.

8. Marshall is out of rice cakes. Due to my gross negligence, he has put Meri in charge of collecting his weekly grocery list. He said he was calling Parenteau to complain about my inability to write everything down…Blah blah blah…if me screwing up his grocery list is the ONLY complaint Parenteau gets about me every week then I think I’m having the best week EVAHHHH.

9. In service. Was excited to attend. Not gonna lie, I may or may not have been cooking bacon in the air fryer…who knew that was a thing??? (Phil you were listening right, because I have no idea what was really going on…) And yes, I continue to find new and entertaining ways to mess with Bullett every week while she’s trying to speak. Been doing it since 1981…why stop now?

10. Stimulus check update…got a notice in the mail YESTERDAY that our stimulus check would be arriving in the form of a debit card. Well that’s information I could’ve used LAST WEEK before the shredder incident. Bunch of Asshats.

11. Bonus again this week kids…I miss you all! Continue to day drink responsibly. Don’t operate the lawn mower or weed wacker after you’ve had a couple. Not that I’ve had any experience with that, just sayin….