Your Weekly Pandemic Antics First Full Week in August Edition...(8-6-2020)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics first full week in August Edition…

Well kids, we’ve successfully completed our first full week of August. The year’s flying. The Virus, killer hornets, weird seeds in the mail, being allegedly spied on through tiktok, voting in the Presidential Election by mail, we’re just plugging along and every day it’s something new. Well, we’re surviving, and I’m here to tell you that me and the foul mood my husband claims I’ve been in all week are here to say, YOU ARE AWESOME. Now let’s get down to business…here we go….

1. Toilet paper, here’s the deal. I don’t care how you put the TP on the holder. I have no interest in the “over/under” debate of how the roll is put on the holder and how the sheets flow off the roll…just put the dam TP on the holder. It’s simple. If you use the last sheet, replace it. You don’t need a degree in engineering to figure out how to “install” the toilet paper…just do it. Please see exhibit #1

2. Coffee…if you drink the last of it, you better for the love of God and all that’s holy, brew a new pot. If you’ve used the remainder of coffee in the house and I have to scour around for some, or God forbid, go out to the store, all bets are off and I will not be happy. Decaf Mom 2.0 has never worked out for anyone. Don’t be a dope.

3. Laundry…do yourselves a favor. DO NOT go down to the basement to retrieve that one towel you need for your shower leaving the remainder of the laundry in the dryer acting as if it’s going to walk itself up the stairs. Should you do this, do not be surprised if you wake up tomorrow and find the linen closet stripped bare of anything resembling a towel and paper towels where the towels should be. Al may have some experience with this circa 1999… Also, I received a top secret super laundry tip this week from a reader of the Pandemic Antics that I will not share with you, and your gym clothes will be forever smelly. Don’t mess with me, I’m over it… how you dry off and how your clothes smell are no longer my concern. (Thank you Jennifer Nowicki….)

4. Softball…COVID rules…the girls are not allowed in the dug outs, but instead have to station themselves in the bleachers, 6 feet apart, where the spectators normally sit. It’s all taped off like a crime scene and I love it. The kids social distance (sort of,) wear their masks, sanitize their hands, and despite all the COVID rules and regs, they’re actually able to be kids and have some fun. Amazing how things change when the parents have to sit way out of ear shot. I’m voting to keep it this way, FOREVER. AND, no kids in the dugout means my bucket is secure. It’s a win/win. Please see exhibit #2

5. It’s been great not having the peanut gallery comments from spectators thus far this season. However, we still have the occasional coach who acts like a tool that won’t leave the kids alone. Coaches don’t need to talk to the players incessantly, the entire game. This isn’t their first day on the softball field and for crying out loud they tuned you out about 2 words in to your lecture about how they’re holding the bat, how they stand at the plate, how they field, how they chew their gum, tie their shoes, you get the picture…these are trying times. I will threaten to stab you with the dull end of my pencil I’m keeping the book with while remaining in the sitting position on my bucket. Do not try me. It’s happened and because you’re so annoying, no one is willing to be a witness.

6. For those of you who have children who have their license and drive, is this something you wanna hear while their backing out of the driveway? “I’m gonna drive it like I stole it…” I didn’t think so. Can any of you guess which kid made this statement?

7. Harley our three legged dog and Al have an ongoing battle over Christmas lights. We keep our white lights up on our deck year round, or at least Al tries...despite Harley’s efforts and the dozens of sets of lights she’s gone through. Al doesn’t understand that they’re in her way, restricting her direct line of vision where she is guarding and keeping us safe from those unruly chipmunks. It may just be part of her intricate plans to have live wires lying around so those little buggers (or Al,) get zapped. She’s got nowhere to be and nowhere to go…she’s got nothing but time to think of new and creative ways to fry those little buggers right off the deck. Please see exhibit #3.

8. WHY would you cut off a woman in a minivan in your high end Porsche convertible? I’m sorry that you’re suffering from a midlife crisis, but fact is, if you get hit, it’s most definitely going to hurt you more than it hurts me. This is not a “Thelma & Louise” type situation, this is just fact. The Battle wagon has been hit, bumped, scratched and abused daily for the last five years…you hit me, you might be doing me a favor. You on the other hand, not so much.

9. Just an FYI…doing an adult version of “Ding – Dong – Ditch” does not qualify for serving someone their citations informing them that you and the courts are trying to appoint them a Guardian. Neither does honking and throwing the citation out your moving car window. Or sending your kid to the door pretending to be selling girl scout cookies… for starters, it’s not even girl scout cookie season. If anyone like the West Boylston PD says they saw me doing any of the above, there’s no proof. For all anyone knows, I could be cashing in on our new work from home arrangements and I’m sitting in the back woods of Canada right now, as we speak…

10. Dinner…it’s been 21 weeks of dinners around here. Don’t get me wrong, at first it was nice having everyone home at the same table having a meal together. Now I’m like, wash yourself out a bowl and a spoon, grab some cereal and get the hell out of my kitchen. I’m over it. And if you’re gonna be in there clogging up space to cook your own meal at any time of the day, you best, if you know what’s good for you, offer to cook me something and clean up any and all evidence that you ever stepped foot in there.

11. And for your bonus this week people, don’t spend all day long giving me a minute by minute weather report, then go outside as our phones are blowing up warning us of potential tornado’s and 50 mph winds to cook on the grill. When you do so, I will make fun of you and will not help you when/if you are sucked up and blow away. Please see exhibit #4.