Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Extra Fridays in July Edition...(7-16-20)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Update...3rd week in July edition…

Well kids, I had to really stop and think exactly what week we’re in…just to confuse us further on what month it is… there are actually 5 weeks in July this year. Don’t ask me for specifics, all I know is that there are 5 Wednesdays, 5 Thursdays, & 5 Fridays. If my calculations are correct, this did not give us any additional pay checks, but who’s keeping track…we do the work of the people every day because we are decent human beings. Do with this information as you choose….

1. Speaking of being a decent human…if you have a dog that you walk every day while talking on your cell phone and not paying attention, know that I am paying attention. I notice when you allow your dog to do his business on the corner of my lawn I share with old guy Bill who lives behind me….please know that it is not a mistake that you get sprayed by my hose while I’m watering my plants. Listen Lady, don’t mess with Bill and his grass, I like the elderly. You will get soaked every single day until you get your act together.

2. To add to your pandemic pleasure, skateboarder Al now has a Go Pro camera installed on his skateboard, a Father’s day gift. Before you start nominating me for wife of the year and emailing me all sorts of compliments of exactly how awesome I am and how lucky Al is to have me, remember this…there is always an ulterior motive and this purchase was made with all of you in mind. The teenagers/freeloaders who live here were put to work and rigged that thing up so I will have a live stream and recording of the action. When he takes another face plant, I will be sure to share it with you. You’re welcome. Please see exhibit #1

3. We’re going to touch upon some astrology this week…Comet Neowise…sounds like a pretty significant comet phenomenon right at our fingertips from now until July 19th. Go outside. Look up. Enjoy nature. Don’t believe me? Go to space.com OR if you plan on cryogenically freezing yourself set that timer to 6,800 years from now. That’s when it’ll be back. Look for Ted Williams, maybe he’ll join you.

4. Squirrels…I told you those little bastards were shifty and cannot be trusted…according to google, where information is 100% true ALL THE TIME, they’re now spreading the plague in Colorado…give it time people, they’ll get those rotten chipmunks, their band of brothers, to join them. I told you, they have a legit plan to try to take over the world one yard at a time.

5. So what if I’ve been painting rocks for my rock garden? What’s it to you if I have a family of rock gnomes and little gnome houses and flowers in the yard? Maybe this is part of my plan of flying under the radar so when the dog walking lady tries coming at me for spraying her with the house, she’ll see my little garden and gnomes and decide to leave me alone because I appear unstable…. Please see exhibit #2

6. Gramma Edie update – saw her in the Nursing home for our outdoor social distance visit for the first time since the end of February. She was not that impressed by me, my visit, her lack of booze, discontinuation of her weekly hair appointments and her “GD toes” were killing her. She’s surrounded by “thieves” and “hussies” who steal her stuff. She was even less impressed with the humidity and the outdoors that was only contributing to her bad hair day – telling me that as I too am a “frizzy hair sufferer” I should have a better understanding of her plight. And of course that’s exactly when the heavens opened up and began pelting her small-ish frame self with rain, or hail or fiery brimstone, who knows, and she said, “see Lisa…I told you, GOD IS PISSED....” Awesome. See you next week.

7. The now super stealth potbelly pig dog has learned how to catapult herself up on my bed. This is not helping with my poison ivy situation as she is a roller – in of all type things related to grass, brush and nature. I am quickly losing the war against that devious plant from hell and I’m starting to think the potbelly pig dog is in on it.

8. Goat update – Al ixnayed the Oat-gay (not spelling error, brush up on your pig latin people…) but that won’t stop me, that’s only bought Al some time. There will be a cameo appearance of Nugget the Ivy Eating goat on Asbury Road in the near future.

9. Okay kids, let’s discuss self- care. We’re coming up on 4 months – FOUR MONTHS – of working from home and we’re all doing a stellar job working from our pools, gardens, decks, bathrooms, whatever. You could be anywhere, who the hell knows, and honestly, who the hell cares just get your work done. So my tip for today…as tempting as it is to work from your bed covered in ring ding wrappers, old doritos bags and diet coke cans, get the hell out of bed and get in the shower…you’ll feel better. And for crying out loud, wash your hair…if you are in this state, please reach out, we don’t want any of us entering in to premature client-hood.

10. In honor of the passing of a legend here in the 01602 Mr. Merty, I’m going to pass along some words of wisdom he bestowed upon me over the years…pay attention –

What NOT to put down the garbage disposal…

-coffee grounds

-CORN

-egg shells

-potato peels

-watermelon rinds

-whole watermelons (this may have been attempted…)

-court paperwork that should’ve been shredded that you found under the front seat of your car

-nuts

-shells

-evidence of any kind that may or may not prove your wrong doing. (ummm hello, set that stuff on fire…)

-pasta

-celery

-parking tickets

-nuts and bolts and screws (oops…)

-oats

-chicken bones

-silverware

-receipts or other things you may be trying to hide from your spouse…

“They’re not indestructible…don’t be a dope….better yet, uninstall that thing, you’re gonna hurt yourself….” Mr. Merty, circa 2003 on the purchase of Asbury Road.

And for your bonus this week peeps…the middle kid got a call from an army recruiter today. I thought, you know, I could see Reaghan in the service…doing her part for the country, God Bless America... then I hear this…. “Thanks so much for your time, but army green isn’t really my color…”

Have a great weekend!!!