Your Weekly Pandemic Antics End of September, Holy Cow it's October 1st Edition....(10-1-2020)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics end of September, holy cow it’s October 1st Edition…

Well kids, we are out of September. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but with October comes two full moons, October 1st and 31st, and of course the 31st is also Halloween. And let’s not overlook that we’re still in retrograde for those of you believers out there. So get your garlic necklaces out people and don’t go out in the dark, or maybe you should if you’re stuck home with trick or treating age kids who have been told that Halloween is cancelled. You may want to jump ship after all and take your chances with the werewolves and goblins and all other creepy Halloween/full moon type things. So grab yourselves a Shipyard Pumpkin ale and hide out in the bushes.

1. Saw Gramma Edie on Monday. Visits are still happening outdoors, thankfully it was nice out this week, perfect weather. However, Edie equated our visit to what it would be like if I were visiting her in prison as if she were a “common criminal…” She said all she needs now is a nail file and better wheels on her walker so she can “beat feet” out of there.

2. Speaking of crimes…Edie had a little white stuffed bear she brought out with her she said was for Meredith. Well, I know, and you all know, she hasn’t left the facility. She doesn’t shop on line. She doesn’t have access to QVC or credit cards, I’m her only visitor, therefore I’m the only one bringing her things…I did not purchase or send or bring from home said bear, who by the way, looks like it’s had better days. We all know she lifted it from some poor unsuspecting resident because she has sticky fingers. Every visit, I never know what I’m going to find in the walker caddy she has to tout all her belongings and stolen loot in while she’s motoring through that place.

3. Speaking of sticky fingered thieving Gramma’s, makes you wonder about all those dentures and hearing aids that go missing in Nursing Homes everywhere…no, Gramma Edie isn’t responsible for this global phenomenon because I’m fairly certain she doesn’t possess super powers that would allow her to teleport to nursing homes throughout the commonwealth to steal such items, but I’m thinking perhaps there are sticky finger Gramma Edies at Nursing Homes all over the place. And why no one goes through that walker caddy of hers when anything goes missing, is beyond me. It’s like the Lost & Found in there. Please see exhibit #1

4. If Gramma Edie did possess super powers, were an action figure or superhero, or possibly a villain, would we call her “Swiper” –( there’s a little throw back for those of you who remember Dora the Explorer…) as Meri suggests, or maybe “ The Klepto” like “The Flash”, or “Super G” for Super Gramma, or maybe “Bad-ass Granny”….there are so many options.

5. Tshirts. Pulled out one of my “special occasion” tshirts for my visit to Edie today… blue, located in the second drawer down on the left, nestled in between the navy blues and the greens, although it could go either way in a pinch as the turtle is green. Should’ve known that the turtle “Life is Good” tshirt would prompt some kind of comment, as Edie was sure to tell me that life is most certainly not good from her point of view, as she’s stuck in what she lovingly refers to as the “clink” and asked if I baked a nail file in to the cookies I brought her. She took this opportunity to point out that the country’s gone to hell and to remind me to vote, because for the love of God someone needs to do something and stop the anarchy and corruption. She told me next time I visit I may as well wear a “Life Stinks” shirt… maybe I’ll start my own brand or my own store. I can sell “Life Stinks” tshirts and “Bad Ass Granny” Action figures.

6. In other news, softball continues. The All Star tournament starts this coming weekend, and you guessed it, it’s being held at Vernon Hill Park. Just when you think I’m out of material for the Vernon stories now that the pool is closed, city softball chooses Vernon Hill to host the games. Please note, that All Star softball games have been known to draw out cameo appearances from some of our more famous and legendary fans such as Leah Hazard and Billy Parenteau. You heard it here first folks…there may be a celebrity sighting this weekend up on the hill. Don’t. Miss. It.

7. With softball comes our regular uniform complaints. This time the guys finally listened to the Mom’s and the girls, and ordered black pants. Please see exhibit #2, the universe has punished me for getting what I asked for.

8. Despite the Coaches redeeming themselves and ordering black pants, they decided to go with a Halloween theme while determining the remainder of the uniforms. This ensemble includes, black pants, black shirts with blue logo on the front, name and number in orange on the shirt backs. Orange socks and orange belts. The girls are not impressed that the coaches have deviated from the standard All Star uniform and have voiced their opinions that their attire is only going to promote being harassed while at Vernon Hill this weekend. Here are only a few of those comments listed below…

Meri, “ Great, we’re gonna look like candy corn.”

Sophie, “Will you be handing out candy while you’re coaching 1st base?”

Nora, “ I’ll make sure my trick or treat pillow case is washed so I can stuff it in my back pocket with my stupid mask…”

Lana, “ugh, so dumb”.

Arie, “ We’re gonna have to run fast because we’re gonna get killed…”

Tough crowd Coach Matt, you’re dealing with 13 year old girls. Good luck and God speed.

9. We brought Harley to Meri’s games last Sunday. Harley is our three legged chipmunk catching “tripod” dog. I’m sure you can all imagine that sometimes I get bored. When I get bored, I have to keep myself entertained. So when the little kids kept asking me over and over again what happened to her leg my standard answer became, she was attacked by a lion. I feel as though I’ve done a service...look at the money I just saved those families on zoo admissions. Now they can spend that cash on the booze they’ll need while hiding out from their children in the bushes after they’ve told them Halloween’s been cancelled this year. I told you – I’m always thinking of others and doing the work of the people. Please see exhibit #3

10. Anyone else’s homeschooling children refusing to get dressed and brush their hair? Gramma Edie would not approve. Even if you don’t have anywhere to go, and nothing to do, no job, whatever…you get up, you wash your face, you get dressed, and you get ready for the day. “You don’t see me walking around here all day in my pajama’s, and I’m locked up here like it’s Alcatraz - where the hell am I going?” – Words of wisdom from Gramma Edie to homeschooling children everywhere.

11. Pot Belly Pig Dog update. She continues to bark and bark and bark at anything and everything. Wind blows - Bark. Rain - Bark. Woodland creatures - Bark. Mailman - Bark bark bark. Dr. Gonzales and his dogs, she loses her mind. UPS guy opens my back door to throw a package in to my kitchen like he lives here…nothing.

12. And for your bonus this week kids, don’t let what’s being referred to as the Presidential Debate that was more like a hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck that drove off a cliff in to a tornado that was lifted up and thrown in to a Sunami, get you down. Just think of the endless amount of material these political fools are providing the writers of Saturday Night Live… that is, if SNL ever gets back on t.v.. In the meantime, it gives us all something to talk about.

Have a great weekend!