Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Election Week Edition...(11/4/2020)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Election Week Edition….

First and foremost, I apologize for not recognizing the Full Moon coinciding with Halloween last week…I hope you all survived and didn’t run in to any werewolves or fall victim to any Halloween type shenanigans. Pennywise and Georgie were taken down a few days late because it was cold. And wet. And I’m lazy. Sadly, nothing was set on fire and they’ve been put away until next year. However, not without messing with Al first. I’ve strategically placed both in the shed where they will greet him when he’s pulling out the snow blower…now that I mention it, I may find use for them all year long. So here’s what I got…

1. Well kids, working outside has not been going as well as I thought. It’s been cold, but worse, it’s been wet. Al ick-shnayed my outdoor heater idea, and the grill’s not cutting it. Still working on my outdoor workspace and haven’t quite given up yet. I’m trying to avoid having to call IT because I’ve frozen my lap top. Not like screen frozen, but as in frozen frozen. I’m thinking weather related computer problems are frowned upon here at ESW, but I’ll keep you posted. But don’t lose faith…I can always move in to Leaf Blowing, soon to be, Snow Blowing Joe’s garage.

2. Speaking of Al, he pulled the trigger first folks. He was the first to turn on the heat and I haven’t let him forget it. For crying out loud, we have countless blankets, sweatshirts, and four dogs to snuggle up with if you get cold. If the kids don’t like it and they start complaining about the cold, well there’s the door, head on over to Grammy’s house where it’s a balmy 75 degrees all year long. It’s like Survivor over here seeing who can hold off turning the heat on the longest, and this year AL LOST. He turned it on at o – dark – hundred, like I’m not going to notice the smell of heat and hear the hissing of the radiators and then just like ignore that he caved. The smell of the heat coming off the dusty radiators was the smell of sweet victory my friends. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y

3. Voting. I hope you all exercised your right to vote. Remember my buddy Venus? All 94 years of her called me numerous times on Monday asking if I’d take her to vote on Tuesday.

Call #1, “ Don’t feel bad Lisa if you can’t take me to vote, it’s not your fault dear that I’m 94 years old and I have never missed an opportunity for my voice to be heard.”

Call #2, “Lisa, I live alone dear, we can get coffee first.”

Call #3, “Lisa, I’m sorry dear, but I have no one else to call...how about a quick ride to the polls?”

Call #4, “Ohhhhh Lisa, this will be the first time I haven’t voted – ever. But please don’t feel bad about it. It’s not your fault that I’m old and alone.”

Call #5 “Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, you know I love you and appreciate everything else you do for me, even if you can’t give me a ride to vote for our new President.”

Call #6 “Ohhhh Lisa, this is likely the last election I’ll ever be able to vote in dear because I’ll be dead.

And just for the record, had I not had to worry about poor Venus and her civic self getting stupid corona, I would’ve found her a ride. God Bless America.

4. Governor Baker. I’d like to publicly thank our Governor for finally putting a rule in place that I can follow ….stay at home hours from 10pm to 5am…I’m pretty sure I haven’t been out of the house past 8pm since 1999. My driveway and deck don’t count.

5. Speaking of banned. My house knows if I’m cooking, stay the hell out of the kitchen. Do not get underfoot, do not get in my way, and leave me alone. That goes for dogs too. No one listens, ever. However, Harley takes me seriously and follows this rule. Please see exhibit #1. All she does is stare at me from the hallway. It’s like she’s staring in to my soul…

6. Dishwasher. The youngest Kapacziewski kid appears to have issues with the dishwasher that is conveniently placed next to the kitchen sink. Can’t be any easier to put the dishes in the dishwasher if you’re heading that way anyway. It’s legitimately one extra movement of the wrist. You lean in. You pull on the dishwasher handle. The dishwasher magically opens. You neatly place the dishes in the secure spots made to neatly stack dishes. WELL NOT THIS KID. When I’ve finally had it and call her in to the kitchen to ask her what’s in the sink knowing full well that it’s her dinner dishes, she replies, “dishes”. What are they doing there? They’re dirty. Why aren’t they in the dishwasher? Because you load the dishwasher better than I do. It’s like she’s never met me.

7. In my house, if you’re the first one up, plug in the coffee pot. It’s all set and ready to go, as I always prepare it the night before. See in the back? That’s called a plug. You plug in in to the rectangular shaped spot on the wall that has the two holes in it with two smaller holes inside those two holes, that’s called an “outlet”. Line the plug up with the holes and make sure it’s secure. Then, go to the front of the machine. Now I know that our Mr. Coffee Maker that was purchased for $19.99 from Wal Mart has three whole buttons on the front and can be scary, but you can do it. Hit the ON button and simply walk away. That’s how you guarantee that your Mother is caffeinated. This will only benefit all of you. Do. It. When this minor task is not completed and I start my day reluctantly decaffeinated, it doesn’t end well for anyone…please read below….

8. Ed McMahon. Funny story. So you know those robo calls that don’t sound “robo” and they start off all cheery like it’s your long lost friend calling to talk to you? And these companies have mastered the art of the robo calls so that they even respond with the correct phrases when you speak? Well I’ve had it with those stupid calls. All day long with these calls, especially during election week. So, when I get a call today from Ed McMahon and he says, “ Hello, Lisa, congratulations, you’ve won 72 million dollars….” And I respond, “ Oh yeah, F%^& you Ed” and hang up. I think I’ve earned it, because how many of these calls can you get a day I think to myself. Well the phone rings again, with the same number, I don’t pick up, I reject the call. Then it calls back. And I’m like, You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. I pick up, ready to take out 7 months of pandemic rage on a robot when I hear “wait, Lisa, please don’t hang up, I’m sorry….” You guessed it kids. It was a clients son. Thanking me and all of Elder Services for the kindness we show his Mother. In my defense, who calls someone for the very first time ever and messes with you??? I’ve never spoken to this guy in my life, and he did sound exactly like Ed McMahon. RIP Ed … #Publishersclearinghouse4eva

9. Always nice to hear that some of our PS staff are younger than the amount of time that some of us have been employed at ESW. You know who you are. Bunch of show offs. Keep it up.

10. And for you bonus this week kids…Sharing is Caring, says the Care Bears and so says Goose. Apparently she’s as bored with us as we are with ourselves and our not providing her with enough dog entertainment. She’s taken to counter surfing and thievery and isn’t exactly a pro at either. She’s deaf, therefore she’s not super stealth and sounds like a WWE wrestler plowing through my kitchen. Pot Belly Pig Dog has been benefitting from this foolishness as Goose isn’t too bright and hasn’t figured out that if she’s gonna plow through the counters, she’d better get the goods before Pot Belly Pig Dog does. Poor Goose. She does all the work and Pot Belly reaps the benefits.

11. And for your bonus this week kids, if I facetime you during in service, pick up. It’ll be worth your while. Ask Robyn.

Have a great weekend!