Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Don't Disrespect the Bunion Edition...7-1-21

Well kids, I hope you’re surviving yet another heatwave, gearing up for 4th of July weekend and practice caution when you decide to break the law, cross the border in to New Hampshire and purchase your back yard fireworks. Listen, don’t come crying to me when you set your hair or your neighbors roof on fire. Cut the Worcester fire department some slack and don’t be a dope. And by the way, your dog and all the neighborhood dogs hate you. Fireworks are not a dogs best friend and they've earned the right this upcoming weekend to poop on your perfectly manicured lawns for causing such havoc. Even if you decide to give Fido his choice of where your take - out order is coming from on the 4th, unlimited snacks, cuddle time, free reign over the tv remote, he’s still gonna be a hot mess thinking the earth is getting ready to swallow you both up whole. The wheels are working over time in his not so pea - sized brain trying to decide if he should fight or flight and beat feet his way right in to your closet leaving you to fend for yourself. Get it together people. Here's what I've got...

1. The Bunion. Do not disrespect, ignore or under estimate the power of the bunion. When your feet start talking, you best listen. They have the power to ruin your day, your week or your month, so you best pay attention. We don't appreciate the power they have over us until they start screaming at us like that Half and Half you bought at Big Y earlier in the week that fell out of the bag and ended up curdled under your drivers seat. Just ask Margolis. This cartoon picture will have to do as I'm thinking it would be bad karma to exploit my friend and his bunion for the sake of this weeks Antics.

2. While on vacation the youngest Kap kid has been stuck with us for most of the week by herself without the oldest kid and middle kid. While out exploring, Al was sure to tell us that we should consider ourselves fortunate that he would guide our excursions via his inner GPS. Meri’s interpretation of this was great, I'm the sole recipient of all Dad jokes while we get eaten by bears or sharks or both - Fantastic.

3. Checking the weather, the temp and surf forecast for the youngest Kap kid, Al checks in with Siri and can be heard saying, “ Hey Siri, what’s the forecast?” Which is quickly followed by,

"Hey Siri, why is Dad such a nerd…”

4. I went out to dinner with the much loved Geriatric Crew last week. What did we talk about you ask? The variety of medical conditions that ail their friends - who has which Doctors - the love of their local Podiatrist - who's died - and most important, not just what everyone was having for dinner, but what a bargain their meal was. The popularity of this crew never surprises me and they're always running in to someone, it's like being out with celebrities. A friend strolls by, stops by to say hello and Pa says, "Hey Murph, great to see ya..." This was answered by, " who we kidding Jim? At our age, we should consider ourselves lucky to be seen at all...” 😳

5. I made new friends at the beach this week kids...and it shouldn't surprise you that those friends were not people, but dogs. Rocco the 13 year old Pug who I met while he was rummaging through my beach bag, Bull Mastiff Floyd who happily introduced himself by slobbering all over me, and 13 yr old Teva whose human kids were sharing their ice cream with her, allowing her to lick the ice cream directly off their melting cones and faces. That my friends is true love right there. And you could tell these particular kids were not only or oldest children and fell somewhere around 3rd or 4th in line because the parents didn’t even flinch. A little dog drool never hurt anyone. These pooches were the perfect mix - not only are they dogs, but they’re elderly dogs...right up my alley. AND, an added bonus, the worst they did was steal food of some sort. They weren’t being evicted from public housing for growing too many pot plants or trying to return food they got free from the local food bank to the grocery stores. It's the little things people...you gotta appreciate them.

6. Peanut Butter & Fluff sandwiches on the beach with an ice cold can of Diet Coke - potential sugar overload, sure, but worth it, an under appreciated treat. A wise beach goer once said, “ Diet Coke, the elixir of the Gods..." However, her preferred beach sandwich would be a turkey and cheese hoagie with lettuce, tomato, mayo and pickles from the Wawa. I have to 100% agree - don’t judge me til you try it.

7. I think Al’s missing the oldest and middle Kap kids more than Meri is. Without her siblings here for her to harass, that’s more quality time she has to spend harassing her Father and have him all to herself. That and she's bored and lonely without them, but will never admit it. Al said so far it’s like being at home playing 2K with her and you all know the abuse he takes then - that’s when I had to break it to him that it was only Monday and we had only been on vacation for 1 1/2 days. " Lis, when the hell are the other two coming? This one’s killin me…” It's not like this is the first time you're meeting this kid Al, Buckle up - it could be a long week...

8. Wiffle ball - a lost art and under appreciated past time. None of these kids play wiffle ball anymore...apparently it's not as cool and entertaining as it used to be. The new and improved beach games are Spike Ball and Can Jam. Please see exhibits 1, 2 & 3. Action shots of one of the more competitive Spike Ball games, and the forgotten wiffle ball bat the kids next door kicked to the curb after beating the crap out of each other with it.

9. Here's an oldie but a goodie. You know that rule your parents always pulled on you mid summer when it was a million degrees, they made you come in to eat, and then said you had to wait an hour before you could go back in the pool or back in the ocean??? I hated that rule, it always put a kink in my plans interrupting my fun on the beach. Believe it or not, there's lots of reading material out there trying to help us decipher if this is truth or fiction. From what I've read, it appears that the bottom line is it's uncomfortable to swim on a full stomach and you may get a cramp causing one difficulty exiting the water, but does not necessarily contribute to the risk of one having a severe water/swimming emergency. Or, let me break it down for you and give you my interpretation... this was just your parents way of saying they needed a friggin break - they were tired of chasing your unruly self up and down the shoreline - all your parents wanted was to enjoy a cocktail and probably a smoke, before resuming their watch as you were running them ragged on the family vacation. And you wonder why your parents drank.

10. Why do Seagulls frequent the Webster Square parking lot when they have wings? They don’t work. They live off the land and have unlimited transportation. Why would they choose to hang out in a city parking lot with the common pigeon when they have access to any beach they’d like to frequent. Is this because they’ve gotten a taste of the good life here in The Woo and just can’t bare to leave? Or they’re just lazy, not too bright or both? This my friends is one of life’s mysteries. Please see exhibit 4, one of the smarter seagulls living his best life ocean side. The other, a random parking lot pigeon.

11. And last but not least I’ll leave you with this…much like life, your family and good friends, never turn your back on the ocean people. All it takes is turning your back for one split second and you end up face planting in to the sand - the ocean always wins.

Have a great 4th of July weekend!!!