Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Christmas Week Edition... (12/24/20)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Christmas Week Edition….

Well folks, it’s Christmas week, and we’re almost done with this ridiculous year of 2020. For those of you who celebrate Hannukah, I hope you enjoyed your eight crazy nights. Thankfully my family celebrates a holiday that allows us one crazy night, which is about all we can handle…or 2, depending on how the first night went. AND…for you Seinfeld fans out there, today is “The Festivus”… so find a pole, make sure you stretch prior to displaying your feats of strength, enjoy your meatloaf, declare all random non routine events “Festivus Miracles” and air your grievances. With all that said, here’s what I’ve got…

1. Ahhhhh, the holidays. They tend to bring out the best and worst in all of us. Be kind people. The world’s been a bit crazy and we’re all teetering on the edge. If you get a giant fruit cake with the “Sell by” date of November 1989, in the mail from your Great Aunt Martha, do yourself and the world a favor and pay it forward…at least pretend to try it before feeding it to the birds, then call her and tell her it was delicious.

2. My all-time favorite Uncle turned 85 last week kids. I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. His phone has that thing on it when it announces who’s calling. He gets a kick out of how the automated ringer pronounces Kapacziewski. Without even saying hello he picked up the phone, “ Top of the mornin to ya O’Kapacziewski…none of the elders in our family have quite gotten over that we all have polish spouses … every – single – one – of – us. Yes, I realize I got robbed with the last name thing and I’m reminded of it every day when I have to spell my name one hundred thousand times…K a p ( like peter) a, c (like cat), z (like zebra), i, e, w, s (like Sam), k i.

3. With Christmas comes holiday traditions. One family tradition that we love to hate is the 12 days of Christmas. This is when 40 something of us gather in my Aunt and Uncles kitchen, all pair up in teams, and are handed a sheet of paper with our number on it. This happens mid evening after all have eaten copious amounts of food, some Jameson and other beverages of choice, to take the edge off so we don’t punt that cousin we’ve successfully avoided for the past 364 days prior to Christmas Eve. This year, no thanks to COVID and our attempts to keep our elderly relatives alive, there will be no in person gathering, but this event will happen via zoom. Alcohol will still be served, and I will most definitely be recording the foolishness, so stay tuned.

4. Kids. My nieces, God love them, attempted to take over my brothers outdoor Christmas light decorating this year and wanted it all done to surprise him. Clearly these two aren’t too bright, don’t pay attention much, or truly believe in the spirit and magic of Christmas, because I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure reindeer go in front of the sleigh, but that’s just me….please see exhibit #1.

5. Christmas cards. I still torture my kids and make them get together to do our yearly Christmas card photo. They often say the day is coming when they’ll be excused from this tradition and they’ll be substituted by the dogs. I’m proud to report that my cousin took the lead on this one and did just that. Her card this year is her four girls and their dog. The dog is front and center, the girls got a tiny little section of the card up in the corner. Lesson to all these kids…don’t piss your Mother off before she orders the Christmas cards. You will only be given a spot the size of a postage stamp or be removed from the card all together. #dontmesswithterry

6. So on occasion, my lack of patience gets the better of me and I get sick of waiting for Al to do something for me that I have difficulty accomplishing myself. These tasks usually involve ladders, chairs, flammable items, breakables, and/or ridiculously heavy and hard items to move. Because patience is a virtue I do not possess, I finally go ahead and attempt whatever task it is, by myself, normally under the cover of darkness or at o-dark-hundred in the early hours of the morning, so that if the task goes horribly wrong, I don’t have to listen to my husband say, “I told you so…” Well folks, I had one of those incidents last weekend, and this is why I have the best buddy and neighbor ever…please see exhibit #2 (if you mention any of this to Al, you’re dead to me….) please see exhibit #2

7. ESW Holiday Recipe Book. When submitting a recipe for a Christmas cocktail, but you don’t have a picture on hand to support it, do you make said cocktail during work hours, for mere informational and picture purposes so you can submit it correctly? Asking for a friend…(When the book comes out, check it out…“Christmas in a Cup”… compliments of Bugs and Mary Sullivan, XOY )

8. LIGHTS!!! If you live in the 02 and you’ve been experiencing any power outages, blinking kitchen lights or such, get a look at exhibit #3. The responsible party is none other than my cousin in law John who manages to add more and more lights to his outdoor display each year...every now and then just to add to the entertainment, one may even catch fire. Just to aggravate his wife, I proudly contributed to the display this year. After searching high and low, I located a 1950’s creepy blow mold Santa. I was told lovingly (by Kelly…) to take it back, stop encouraging him, and I’m no longer her favorite…but I’m happy to report, Santa has stayed put. John however, may now be sleeping in the garage. Feast your eyes on exhibits #3 and #4. This is 55 Amherst Street during Christmas folks.

9. Lights and celestial events…well kids, we got screwed. No thanks to the overcast, we were unable to view the Great Conjunction of 2020 that astrologers have said is the brightest “star” since 1623 and is being compared to the Star of Bethlehem. So, if you missed out, here are your options…a.) you can get cryogenically frozen like Ted Williams as I’ve mentioned in the past, or b.), swing by my cousin John's house, and use your imagination...

10. And I broke my own rule…I accidentally purchased gift bags covered in none other than GLITTER…my house now looks like I murdered a band of Santa’s Elves, or I kidnapped a stripper….

11. And for your bonus this week folks let me leave with you some words of advice this holiday season…when your significant other tells you, “ I don’t want anything for Christmas…” don’t believe them. Be smarter than that. If you don’t buy something there’s a 99% chance you’re going to be in trouble…. If you do buy something, you may be in a little trouble, but more than likely, you’ll end up a hero. Don’t be a dope. And with all that said, if we don’t see or hear from our friends in blue, non-other than our dedicated CIT team from the WPD, that’s because neither of those fools listened to me…they give new meaning to “you can’t save them all….”

Have a great weekend!