Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Be Careful What you Throw Edition....(3/11/21)

Well kids, let’s give a shout out to our IT department. Once again, they have been burdened with keeping me in line and one who shall not be named, (Okay, Gavin…) refrains from making fun of me (to my face anyway..) and swears there are others amongst us who are far worse off in the technological world than myself, but I don’t believe him. I think he’s just too kind to admit that I make him nuts. With all that said, here’s what I’ve got…

1. Before you lose it, rip your power chord out of the wall and throw your Elder Services owned laptop across the room, make sure you stop to make sure that the dead laptop was really plugged in and charged in the first place. Yes, a step in the right direction is to have the power chord plugged in to the power strip, but it’s not going to do you a dam bit of good if that power strip is not plugged in to the wall. Just sayin.

2. The Peanut Rotary…that’s right people, the infamous new and improved Kelly Square with its “peanut” design is crap. I made the mistake of driving through there at 2 in the afternoon this week to be stuck in traffic longer than I felt necessary waiting my turn to merge. Remember the days when we could just close our eyes and gun it through Kelly Square??? It was like a right of passage. We always made it, perhaps jaded and a bit shell shocked for you rookies out there, but you got where you needed to go. You may have flipped off or been flipped off, depending on how things went for you, but you always made it out alive on the other side. Now you sit. And you wait. And it’s only going to get worse once the ballpark opens. Should I say it? You know I’m gonna….GET IT TOGETHER WORCESTER….

3. I’ve given up on my buddy Jen from the Driveway next door paying attention during her shows and seeing that I’m sending her flashlight signals and I’ve moved on to bird calls. When that doesn’t work, I start yelling from the deck for her to come to the window. We solve a lot of the worlds problems at midnight from the driveway. Admit it, you all wish you lived on our street – here is where it’s at.

4. Pot Belly has been especially misbehaved this week, I think spring fever has brought out the worst in her. She has done nothing but bark and I swear when she runs out of people walking by the house to bark at she just barks to bark. We had a little heart to heart today after I banished her from her barking perch in the front room. Didn’t do any good, she just picked another window and went about her business. Just another freeloader living here who’s been added to the list of those who listen to nothing I say, ever.

5. The spring and nice weather is upon us, and with that we all have wet muddy yards. Those of you with dogs know what spring and mud brings to the house. We have 15, count them 15 paws running in and out of this house, barking, rolling in mud and dirt and spring smells, and causing havoc. And no, that’s not a type-o, we do have 15 paws, not 16, because don’t forget, Harley only has three legs. But, with those 3 legs she makes the biggest mess out of all of them.

6. Please see exhibit #1. This would be a green apple that was discovered when I was cleaning out my refrigerator last weekend. No reason to judge me…I clean out my fridge regularly, we’ve all missed a stray piece of fruit from time to time, but let me tell you - green apples have not been purchased in this house since last fall, November the latest. So riddle me this…why does it still look this perfect? First hybrid strawberries, now the perfect never aging Granny Smith apple. Seems suspicious. I kept it, and we will re visit this in future antics.

7. This weeks featured hybrid fruit, pearberries. Looks like a strawberry, but tastes like a pear. I have nothing else to say about them except that I do not approve. In case you’re wondering, they’re $4.99 a container and they annoy the hell out of me. Please see exhibit #2.

8. Why worry about driving a car when you can drive a scooter? No paying for gas. You get to run an outdoor electrical chord all the way through your house, down your stairs, and outside to plug that baby in. No need for a valid drivers license, deal with yearly car registration fees or inspection stickers. No one’s going to hassle you if you can’t see, if you hit things, or if you’re driving with that thing covered in industrial grade plastic to keep you dry from the snow and the rain and whatever else Mother Nature throws at you. However, you may begin to attract some attention if you’re slugging out of a bottle of Smirnoff while cruising down West Boylston Street opening that puppy up to its maximum speed, a whopping 15mph in the middle of rush hour traffic. Don’t look at me buddy…you’ve gotta be smarter than that. Or at least pretend to actually care about what you’re doing.

9. Now that we’re back to doing unannounced home visits, here’s a tip…if you should go to a home and find that the door is “ajar”, it’s always a good idea to make sure you’re at the correct address so you’re not accidentally breaking and entering.

10. Speaking of B&E’s, all my teacher friends out there who are homeschooling…if you don’t want those of us who are out doing the work of the people stopping at your house unannounced, walking right in uninvited, using your bathroom, and maybe grabbing a snack, then lock your dam doors. If I find a Diet Coke I’m taking it…Colleen B – next time I’d prefer straight Diet Coke and not the caffeine free…are you trying to kill me??? Help me, Help myself…

11. And last but not least…if you see a scooter parked in a yard attached to a bunch of outdoor electrical chords coming from a house, do not assume that’s the house the scooter owner lives in. If scooter guy is bold enough to drive that thing up and down and all around, all while hitting the bottle, stealing electricity from a neighbor is the tip of the iceberg friends. Gotta give the guy credit, at least he’s resourceful.

Have a great weekend!