Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Are We Sure it's Not a Full Moon Edition....(12/11/20)

Weekly Pandemic Antics are we sure it’s not a full moon edition….

Well kids, I don’t know about all of you, but my people have been off the rails. If anything weird can happen, it has, so I hope you’re all hanging in there. Here’s what I’ve got….

1. It’s taken almost 26 years folks, but it’s finally happened. I’ve met an elder that I’m afraid of. She’s 90 years old, is about 3 feet tall and 60 lbs soaking wet. She’s like an angry little smurf and she scares the hell out of me.

2. Venus… She called me late last week with an emergent request. She had something she needed me to fix, as well as run to CVS for some personal items, so of course I obliged. I get to her house and the big emergency was, she needed light bulbs to her night lights changed. She neatly left me her night lights and replacement bulbs on her back door step. I did what I was told, changed the bulbs, and was on my way. So people, I’m here to tell you that I can, quite literally, successfully change a lightbulb, or lightbulbs. I’m here for you if you need me. And with the great honor of being Venus’s go-to fix it person, she gave me this….please see exhibit #1

3. My Mother….Thursday is trash day for her street. Being the dutiful daughter that I am, I drove my kids over there and made them put her trash out. As I was sitting comfortably in my warm vehicle, a thought occurred to me. Why is it that my Mother is the only one that I know of, living in this fine city, who can get away with putting out her weekly trash in plain white kitchen trash bags, and not the city bags? There’s only one solution. Even the City Trash Workers fear Sue Miller.

4. I asked my brother about Sue Miller and her trash. He’s a man of little words… “I don’t know, because she’s old?” Next text… “because even the trash guys no better than to question her….”

5. Speaking of trash…I’ve gone a whole 6 months without running over or hitting “Snow Blower Joe’s” recycling bin, that’s a new record. If you don’t know who Snow Blower Joe is, try to keep up…

6. Snow Blower Joe…I’m sorry to report that he was slacking during our one and only significant winter storm thus far. It pains me to report this peeps, but, he had a snow plow guy come plow the driveway. I believe that action, and that alone, was enough to upset the balance of the universe and that’s why it’s felt like it’s a full – friggin – moon all this week. He had to go and change things up – who knew he had such super powers.

7. Squirrels…untrustworthy furry sons-of-b&^&*s… The middle kid had a stand-off with one while trying to get in her car earlier this week. I suggested she start carrying a nerf gun in her winter jacket…that’ll show them, but of course she didn’t listen. I’m praying to GOD I can get video evidence of what goes on out in front of my house prior to sending out this weeks antics…hold tight folks, I’ll do my best.

8. And … I know you’re thinking, well isn’t she Mother of the Year….did she even try to help the middle kid? Well of course I did, I’m not a monster. You let a Christmas tree fall on a kid one time, and all of a sudden you’re the worst parent ever. If you re read #7 you’ll see that I suggested she begin arming herself with a nerf gun. I think that is perfect sound advice. I’ve been warning all of you about the woodland creatures for months now…but none of you listen…work with me people.

9. Squirrels, chipmunks and other woodland creatures…are now safe from Harley as it’s just too dam cold outside for her Texas born self, and she can’t be bothered. The whole neighborhood may fall in to a giant sink hole due to those little bastards, but I’m pretty sure she’s decided it’s just not her problem until the temps go back up. Give her a shout sometime in May.

10. More disapointing news for you all. I finally had to give up my outdoor work from home space. Despite all my efforts to fight off the elements, the final straw was when Al put away the deck furniture for winter. He did, as he always does, left the table frame out there and on one of the milder days, I rigged myself up a spot and stayed out there as long as I could…please see exhibit #2. (and please note that I actually followed HIPAA protocol…)

11. And for your bonus this week kids, the holiday’s are upon us. Hope you’re getting your cheer on the best you can. I’d like to publicly thank the neighbor on my street, who shall not be named, who has an inflatable 5 foot Christmas Yoda on their lawn. While Harley’s vacationing and resting during the winter months, the Pot Belly Pig Dog is not. She has made it her personal mission to sit in the front room mucking up my windows, while protecting us from Yoda dusk til dawn.

Have a great weekend!