Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Another Trip Around the Sun Edition...(4-8-2021)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Another Trip Around the Sun Edition….(4-8-2021)

Well kids, I’m here to say that this week I started my 50th trip around the sun, and you know what…it’s not that bad. 50 is the new 30 or so I tell my knees every – flippin – day in hopes that one day they agree. With that said, I’m just happy to still be on the up – side of the dirt, I’m luckier than most and counting my stars that everything so far is so good…heard from many friends near and far, spent a great day with my family, sun was shining, and work adventures did not disappoint so that’s always a plus. I hope you all enjoyed your Easter and got some much needed time with all those crazy relatives you didn’t realize how badly you missed. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. The Irish Goodbye. No one has mastered the Irish goodbye like Sue Miller. Picture this...out on the deck – enjoying the sunshine at the McGrails house. Sue Miller sneaks inside and next thing I know I’m getting a text saying “I’m out”. At least she texted before scurrying out of there like she robbed the place - clearly her time spent with the Grandchildren during lock down was well spent, as now she’s “down” with the lingo when announcing she is over us and vacating Easter. She ya on the flip side Susie…

2. I started my Birthday morning wandering Lincoln Street looking for one of my newer clients. When found, I was offered a beverage to start my day…Smirnoff nips….Breakfast of Champions. It pays to do the work of the people.

3. I’m going through the credit union drive thru to get the cash I need to pay my debts to Parenteau. I opt to use the drive- up teller instead of the ATM because the line was shorter. The drive- up teller has the “tube”. I write out my slip, go to put the tube back in the slot and the entire bottom of the tube falls out. My slip, the pen, my ID, and a variety of screws that hold the cap on the tube, all of it. The other fools thinking they were shaving a few minutes off their time and found themselves behind me, are all now unceremoniously screwed stuck in line because I’m pulled up to the tube- sucker- upper- thing so close that I can’t open my door. Despite what you all think, I am no superhero with super stretch arms, therefore I have to drive out of the drive thru leaving behind the contents of the tube, including my license. Of course the unlucky bastard who has the misfortune of being behind me during this debacle has no idea what's going on. He just sees this nut (me) now approaching his vehicle to ask him to remove himself from line so I don’t have to crawl under his big ass truck to retrieve my license and all the contents of the broken tube. He moves, I am now holding up traffic for the next guy. I get my license, the withdrawal paper, the pen, parts to the tube and all its screws. I am being instructed by the teller through the speaker at the station of the tube- sucker- upper- thing, to walk over and stand in the next drive thru line, hand him the parts to the broken tube through the drawer as well as my withdrawal slip, and then wait in the drive thru line - on foot - like I'm holding the place up, all for a lousy 20 bucks. Those Smirnoff nips I was offered for breakfast were starting to sound pretty dam good at this point. This of course all happened in hour 9 of my 50th year of life.

4. Turkeys. I’d like to acknowledge that lately I’ve been mentioning birds a lot, which is strange, because although they’re lovely little creatures, I like listening to them and having them around, I’m not likely to open up a bird sanctuary or anything anytime soon. What I’d like to know is if they have wings, why is it that they don’t use those things to fly over the road instead of walking directly in it, across it or head down the center line in to on- coming traffic. If I had wings you better believe I’d beat feet out of traffic especially if that traffic was heading right at me. The unfortunate turkey I saw on Rte 9 last week clearly had other things on his mind when he met his untimely demise...* Lots of fun but not so interesting facts about turkeys can be found on mass.gov, audubon.org and nationalgeographic.com should you be so inclined to want more info on which turkeys do and do not fly and don’t know well enough to stay the hell out of the road. #RIPTURKEY #ATLEASTYOUWONTBEDINNER

5. Why was I out of the Woo and the 02 and travelling Rt 9 you ask? I thought I’d be nice and join the middle and youngest Kap kids on their venture to the Natick Mall where upon arrival I was told nicely I could wait for them in the jeep while they went about their business. That's no skin off my nose as I hate anything and everything that has to do with shopping, particularly malls, and clothing, and sales and people. So I’m sitting in the lot thinking of all the things I should be doing and decide I’ll take a gander over to Wegmans. Yes people, there is a Wegmans in the Natick Mall. After some self- convincing I decide I can handle this. I can get in and get out with the 10 items I need to prep the food I’m contributing to Easter. I’m a grown up. I was almost a half a century old at that point, so I got myself together and went in. I wander around. Just when I get brave and think this is a total breeze I realize the reason why I can’t find the produce is because the produce is on the 2nd floor. THE 2nd FLOOR! Not only is there a Wegmans at the dam mall, but there’s a second floor to it with escalators for you and a separate escalator for your cart. I couldn’t wrap my head around the laws of gravity, therefore no way in hell was my cart and already carefully picked out items being trusted to the cart escalator, that’s just unnatural. I left the cart, asked the lady cleaning the escalator not to allow anyone to steal my cheese and bamboo toothpicks and off I went to the 2nd floor to gather all my items cart-less. NEVER AGAIN.

6. Nothing like bonding and family time like that displayed during our annual Easter Egg hunt. I don’t care how old these kids get, they will participate until the day I die. Age range this year was 13 to 28. One would think the older they get the more civilized, but not with this crew. There were a lot of elbows thrown, pushing and shoving, general thievery and some choice words all in the name of forced family fun. Joke was on them because most of those eggs were filled with “tickets” giving the winner of said egg assigned chores to be completed BY them FOR the rest of us. My favorite wins were those that will force these kids to continue to hang out with me or do such things as power wash Jack McGrail’s deck, take Sue Miller’s trash out, pick up take-out for Pa, or clean Terry’s kitchen…please see exhibit 1. Exhibit 2 is a snip- it of what I could show you that they won’t kill me over.

7 Now that I’m 50, I’m older, wiser, and perhaps more devious. Anyone ever hear of those glitter confetti filled eggs called Casarones? Well Kelly Labonte has, and she thinks she’s a riot, giving those to my children to glitter up my house. I don’t think so. Those eggs made their way right over to the McGrail’s house where they were handed out to the Easter Egg hunt participants. Confetti and glitter everywhere…the gift that keeps on giving. When Terry gets a hold of me, I’m dead where I stand. Orrrrr the kid that won the “clean Terry’s kitchen” ticket is extra screwed when she cashes that in and makes them de-glitter and de-confetti her house and deck.

8. “If she doesn’t answer her door or phone and her car’s there, she’s home and she’s dodging you. Grab a broom or a mop from the gazebo located right outside of her back door. Push the empty milk carton up to the railing to the right side of the door, use that to step up on. Lean over the railing but not too far because you may slip and fall into the gulley below between the house and the stairs, and let's face it – if that happens, no one’s coming for you, and she’s certainly not calling anyone to help you, because she doesn’t want to see you in the first place. Knock gently on the window - if you knock too hard you may break it, but keep knocking, she’ll eventually answer.” Excerpts from conversations on any given day, time, week, or season on how to access our clients involved with the PS Department. #imgettingtoooldforthis

9. Be careful what you wish for…my guy, who may or may not be the same person who offered me nips at 8:30am on a public street in the presence of public officials was instructed to remove all unwanted people and items from his home and from his yard, disposing of them properly. I’m pretty sure that by removing those items from inside your home and yard and then placing them in the street, you’re not doing yourself any favors. Yes, I will acknowledge that those items were stacked neatly up against the city pole at the edge of your property. Yes, I am recognizing that you were being thoughtful and courteous by placing those items in such a way that those you’ve told to vacate your property still have a comfortable place to sit, sleep and hang out, but I’m pretty sure that is not what the instructions you were given meant. Ever hear the expression don’t poke the bear friend? Well, you poked him – and I don’t mean me, someone far more important than me and way above my pay grade so good luck and Godspeed because, can we say it together people??? You can’t flim flam a flim Flammer. Help me Help you. And for the love of God and all that’s holy, get out of your own way… God as my witness, I cannot make this stuff up.

10. Leaf Blowing, Snow Blowing Joe has stored away the snow and leaf blowers for the season and has moved on to charging his bug zappers to keep those little pests away as we frolic in the driveway, work on the deck and work in Joe's garage. Joe has big plans this summer kids that are gonna require you all giving me your old, no longer used, taking up space in your basements, wooden baseball bats. Gather them up and drop them off because Joe, who I will now refer to as Gepetto from time to time, has big plans for those bats. Get it together people, you're tripping over them anyway, you wanna break a hip? Get me a bat and I'll give you the scoop.

11. And last but not least...one of the best Birthday wishes I received this week came from an old friend... #halfacenturyneverlookedbetter 50 is looking pretty good so far kids, I highly recommend it. Age is just a number, and if you're all worked up about how old you feel or how old you are, just remember... if this past 13 months has taught us anything, it's that if you're still lucky enough to be here, then you're lucky enough. Take it all in stride.

Have a great weekend!