Your Weekly Pandemic Antics Al Goes to Wegmans Edition...(2/24/21)

Well kids, we are finishing out February this week and March is right around the corner. Let Mother Nature have her fun and let it snow on and on and on and get it out of her system now, because come mid-March, we have all had it with her Tom Foolery and weather nonsense. The ultimate traitorous act she can bestow upon us is if she decides she’s going to send snow our way come St. Patrick’s Day Parade Day, because then all hell breaks loose and parade goers near and far get disgruntled. Oh but wait…there will be no parade this year – thank you COVID – not that any of us are bitter or anything. But still, Mother Nature needs to wrap things up by mid – March. Get the snow and the cold gone already. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Sundays at the Kap house…Al gets up at o-dark-hundred and sneaks out to go to the grocery store. Some people go to church, Al goes to Wegmans. Now, please note that during the week when he’s up for work, he’s up puttering around and we can all hear him. None of us are sure what he’s doing, but he’s making noise and even the dogs get annoyed. On Sundays, he scurries out of this house like he’s committing a felony, as not to break the cone of silence, so he can sneak off alone. Jokes on him because first off, I hate the grocery store, and the days of his daughters getting up to go with him are long gone, so no need to sneak away. Second, sometimes if I’m feeling especially devious, I get myself up, ready and caffeinated to go with him. Don’t jump to conclusions, this is not to provide him with some company and to show my appreciation that he completes this dreaded task, more accurately, and for those of you who know me already know this, I do so to annoy him. It’s the little things that keep me entertained.

2. Now that you all think that I’m spoiled because I am not responsible for grocery store duties, please know this. Being exempt from this chore has its perks, but also has its downfalls. When Al comes home from Wegmans, again, still at o-dark-hundred because he leaves when the sun comes up, the girls and I get to hear all about it. What was stocked, what wasn’t. Yogurt’s gone up 2 cents. They were out of lettuce. He had to substitute something for something because whatever it was he was looking for was out. Why did I put coffee on the list when we have enough coffee at home -and riddle me this – why would he play that game of roulette and chance our coffee supply being low, or worse, gone, and live with me decaffeinated? How much he loves the self check out and Wegmans app…we hear about that one all – day – long …And why for the love of God and all that’s holy did he buy more cheese and yet another 5lb bag of potatoes. Looks like Marshall will be getting mashed potatoes all this week – with a side of corn.

3. In case you’re interested, the Big Y flyer says they have eggs on sale this week, 2 dozen for $5. I have no idea if that’s a good price because if you’re paying attention, you’ll know I don’t do the grocery shopping. Wegmans doesn’t have a weekly ad…does that seem suspicious to you??? I think it does.

4. These dogs know that Al’s on his way home and turning down our street as soon as the front wheels hit the corner of Asbury Road and May Street. They sit at that back door all excited. Because they love him? No. Because he’s the guy who buys the food.

5. Now would be a good time to clarify, for those of you new comers to the Pandemic Antics, that Pot Belly Pig Dog, is not really a pig, but in fact a dog. Her real name is Josie, but we call her The Pig. Please note the capital “T” in The and “P” in Pig – because this name has been given with the upmost love and respect. She has been coined this as she possesses all the traits of a pot belly pig. She runs around snorting, rooting, digging up my yard, wheezes like she smokes 3 packs a day, and is a low rider with those stubby little legs of hers. She makes me nuts barking, breaks my fence, and I’m pretty sure in good weather she’s in the yard digging my grave, but other than that, she’s a good dog. She spends her days barking at all passers-by, protecting us from nothing, or as she sees it, from Dr. Gonzales and all woodland creatures that dare to roam our hood. She’s a good Pig.

6. So I may have temporarily lost my mind last weekend when I stopped in to The Bean Counter, at its new location over near the office, to get myself a cup of coffee. I’ve given up on Starbucks, felt like I couldn’t handle myself appropriately waiting 45 minutes for a coffee, and wanted to support my local business. I go in. There’s a guy at the counter picking up his cake and another couple minding their own business trying to buy something behind the counter. Cake Guy…he’s lucky he made it out alive. For starters, he kept hassling the girl giving him his cake. One, she didn’t bake it sir. Two, she’s not the one who wrote on the cake, and apparently this guy wasn’t satisfied with the “font” used to write on the cake. THE FONT. What the actual hell is wrong with people? It’s script. It’s script you idiot. The baker wrote what you wanted in SCRIPT, with icing, you know, sugar/butter/milk concoction used to decorate cakes, the cake wasn’t run through a scanner. This girl at the counter deserves one of Mary P's gold stars because how she didn’t launch herself over the register at this guy is a mystery. I thought about punching him myself but remembered I was already in trouble for cooking shephards pie on Ash Wednesday, so I pulled it together. But seriously…IT’S FRIGGIN FROSTING YOU MORON.

7. After getting my coffee at the Bean Counter, I took a sip and a nice deep breath and went about my business. It was one of those days that was made clear to me as soon as I left the house that the safest thing for me to do, and safest for everyone else in the free world for that matter, was to return to the solace of my own home and not to leave the house again until I could adjust my attitude. Very mature of me, don’t you think? But alas, no. I decide to stop at CVS and putz around and grab a few things. Who ended up in front of me in line you ask…the friggin Cake Guy from The Bean Counter. WWWHHHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

8. Do you think perhaps the above went down and I was being tested because I cooked shephards pie on Ash Wednesday? According to Marshall, who’s Jewish by the way, I’m the worst Catholic ever and should go to confession for my meat cooking incident. Listen up Marshall, is that the best you can do? I have an Irish Catholic Mother… I’m immune to this stuff… Go ahead, try me.

9. And speaking of grocery shopping and this being Al’s weekly task…wouldn’t it then technically be Al’s fault that I made shephards pie on Ash Wednesday? After all, he provided the ingredients. This may be a stretch, but I think I may have some wiggle room on this one…

10. And, after I finished up this weeks antics, Lost in the Supermarket from The Clash come on the radio…I’ll take that as a sign that I served you all well this week people.

11. And…last but not least … I was going to rant on about the city of Worcester, Polar Park, and the city needing to be nagged, harassed and called out time and time again before they could get their acts together to clear the turf fields for the WPS high school students to start their sports seasons. But…I’ve decided to spare you all, for now, and will save that for future antics - I feel secure that they will do something else to irritate me sooner than later. In the meantime, I may get t-shirts printed up that say GET IT TOGETHER WORCESTER and wear one while sitting outside Polar Park in my lawn chair on opening day or during the next school committee meeting. Stay tuned.

Have a fabulous weekend!!!