Your Weekly Pandemic Antics 3rd Week in August Edition...8-13-2020

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics 3rd week in August Edition….

Ok kids so I’m acknowledging that I’ve been a bit long winded in our weekly antics, so I’m going to try to keep it short and sweet this week, but I’m not making any promises. I’m dog sitting the Rem-dog next door and my main objective is to keep her happy, bring her to as many drive thrus as I can, watch our Netflix shows and exploit Joes electric as much as possible so National Grid sends him “ energy-use hate mail” for a change instead of me....so here we go ...

1. Went to mass this weekend for a wedding and I’m happy to report that I didn’t spontaneously combust and burst in to flames. However, I have not been to confession in some time and passed on communion. Shocker that one would be judged while attending mass. When getting up to get out of the way so others could receive, a woman asked, “aren’t you getting communion?” No, not today thank you. “Well why?” Oh, it’s ok, one less set of hands the altar server needs to spray with hand sanitizer… “Well you should really go and receive communion….” (Like she could see through to my soul…) I quietly replied… “Thank you, but go ahead...even the Eucharist isn’t gonna save me...” And if on cue, a siren blares past the church, she looked suspiciously at me and I said, “shhhhhh, you haven’t seen me…” and quietly slunk away…. NO, I don’t feel bad. Do you see why I need confession???? Please see exhibit #1 …no Marshall didn’t get married, he was a Groomsman.

2. Speaking of saving, and crimes and sirens…if you need a good defense attorney, hit my buddy Mike Erlich up…I’ve had him on retainer for years…I pay him in an endless supply of baked goods, sunflower seeds, and coffee, all in return for the freedom to call him in the middle of the night should I snap, and he keeps those kids off my bucket in our dugout. It’s a win/win.

3. So folks, it slipped my mind that Joe has a pet turtle living in the basement - good thing the Turtle sitter showed up when she did because a.) He would’ve starved, b.) Remy could’ve eaten him, c). there’d be a blemish on my pet sitting record of a turtle meeting his untimely demise on my watch.

4. A big shout out to Vanilla Ice this week who attempted to save me from myself and APS last weekend. Despite his efforts I was beyond help and his valiant attempts were unsuccessful. I’m happy to report that so far I’m still employed, but I’m thinking that’s only because no one else wants my job. It truly takes a village at ESW….

5. Meds and the Rem Dog - Remy is a 100 something lb Rottweiler. She is Bug Zapper Joes pride and joy and I’m pretty sure he likes her more than his wife and kids. When he tells me to make sure she gets her daily meds, I’m certainly not gonna disappoint my buddy while he’s sitting seaside on vacation. However, Remy is a medication ninja, likes a challenge and knows a fool when she sees one. They’ve only been gone two days and we’ve already gone through a half a pound of ham, 3 cheese sticks, pill pockets borrowed from Goose, peanut butter and a couple donuts. Wish me luck, this could be a long week. *** Update…since I wrote this we are now on 5 days since Remy’s family has been away. We’ve run out of ham and have moved on to bacon.

6. Bunnies … Rufus joined those that came before him in the Circle of Death. Yup, that’s a thing here on Asbury Road. RIP Rufus. This is why when my neighbors don’t see Al for a few days they get concerned…no one’s actually sure what I’ve got buried in the yard.

7. Fun fact…anyone have a “Universal Remote”? If you don’t, get one. Forgive me if we’ve touched upon this in past weekly updates, but I have to mention the fun and entertainment that the universal remote provides me, especially now as we are well in to our 5th month of being at home during this Pandemic. Joe’s in for a surprise when he comes home from vacation. I’ve programmed MY remote to work HIS t.v.. Initially I did this so I could change shows up for Remy during the day, because let’s face it, a dog can only watch PBS and PIXAR marathons for so long before becoming bored, and I have to work from my deck, with the oscillating fan blowing on me - I can’t spend all day running next door to change the channel. Be real people, she’s a dog, she doesn’t have thumbs. In an expression of true laziness, I can now change her shows with my remote from my deck. This will benefit me in later months should I become bored and decide to mess with Joe by changing his tv channels. Seriously though…what else is there to do???

8. Starbucks drive thru…I don’t know much about all the fancy offerings at Starbucks because I’m a black coffee kinda girl, (ya know, black like my soul according to church lady…) and, I cannot handle saying tall, grande, venti and trenti…I just can’t do it. I feel and sound ridiculous, therefore I refuse to do so…this is NEW ENGLAND people. How about small, medium and LAAAARGE…simple as that.

9. So I’m going through the Starbucks drive thru and I swear to you, the man taking my order had the melodious voice of a game show host or radio announcer -driving up to retrieve my coffee, I told him just that…that he’s missed his calling, needs to get on that and make himself famous. What do you think Reaghan and Meri did while this was taking place? They quietly sipped their beverages, un phased by the conversation because let’s face it, I’m their Mother…this wasn’t their first time witnessing such an interaction between me and the general public. You heard it here first folks…Ricki with an “i” will become a household name and will recall this story some night on The Jimmy Fallon Show.

10. Worcester Public Schools … it’s happening people…word on the street is remote learning for the first 10 weeks of school. The middle kid is also staying home and taking her classes on line. The oldest kid is the only smart one of the bunch and bounced. If you need me, I will be staying in Hotel Kia in the driveway of Asbury Road stealing wifi from the neighbors…don’t worry though, let’s not forget I’ve got Erlich on retainer should wifi stealing be at the top of the list of offenses that the WPD wants to waste their time with.

11. And for your bonus this week kids I’m going to leave this one right here…Al was just told he’s working from home until at least the start of January 2021. Please re read #9 so you’ll know where to find me in case I decide the shed isn’t working out.

Have a great weekend!