Your Weekly Pandemic Antics...1st Week in December Edition...(12/2/20)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics…1st week in December Edition…

Well folks, we’re in the final month of this lovely year. I hope you all had a fabulous holiday, as it was definitely the weirdest Thanksgiving ever…and that you were all safe and well fed. If you haven’t put your Christmas and Hanukkah decorations out as of yet, get your acts together. Only 7 days until we can start celebrating our 8 crazy nights, and only 21 days until Christmas Eve. So here’s what I got….

1. Let’s start with Exhibit # 1. Apparently this is how turkeys who were lucky enough not to be on someone’s dinner table, celebrate. These scary creatures were wandering around on Route 9 on Friday afternoon. It was like a turkey celebratory parade…wander free another year peeps – crazy bastards. As extra added entertainment, also see exhibit #1A.

2.

Back to Christmas decorating…Thanksgiving weekend we donned our not so festive face masks and off we went to the Christmas tree farm. Very Norman Rockwell-esque as you can imagine, or Griswald-esque, depends on your perspective. It was unseasonably warm, so as only New Englanders can, I complained that I was hot and my mask was sweaty. Those rotten kids made me walk up and down hills and then we came upon the perfect tree. Despite me having a perfectly capable 21 year old son, my husband still insisted on cutting down the tree while the three kids and myself stood around talking, and next thing you know, Al says, “ is anyone holding the tree???” as it ceremoniously fell on top of the middle child (of course) just about knocking her to the ground. Fa-la-la-la-la. Please see exhibit #2

3. Now’s a good time to tell you all about Blueberry. Blueberry is our 10 year old black cat. You don’t generally hear about Blueberry because to be honest, she’s pretty awesome, low maintenance, dog-like, (that’s why she lasts here…cats and I don’t have a good history…) and is never any trouble - until we bring our Christmas tree home. Blueberry temporarily loses her cat mind during the month of December, channels her inner feline and gets a little crazy. She climbs inside or under the tree and just hangs out there waiting for the poor dogs to unsuspectedly walk by so she can launch herself out of the tree at them. Poor Goose is deaf, and not too bright, and doesn’t stand a fighting chance. Not to mention, we haven’t had a decent breakable ornament on our tree since 2010.

4. As many of you know, I like to bake. If you’ve been the recipient of any of my cookies during this pandemic and I’ve dropped them off to you at work or at home, check your Tupperware/plastic ware containers. Should any of them say “Sue Miller” on them, fair warning, she’s coming for you. My Mother is crazy about her take out containers and loses her mind when she thinks I haven’t returned them to her. If you have any white corningware dishes around with black trim, those are hers too…put them aside for me. I heard all about my alleged Tupperware theft on Turkey day as she packed up my left overs in 1 gallon zip lock bags – true story.

5. The toaster. My husband interrupted the youngest Kapacziewski kid today during her class time because he couldn’t get the toaster to work. That’s right folks, college educated professionals who can’t work a toaster. The pandemic has fried our brains.

6. Washing machines. We had a front loader for years, after I just had to have one. Well, it came and I liked it for about ten seconds before declaring I wanted my top loader back. Al finally got sick of hearing me complain and got me a top loading washing machine. You’d think all was right in the world now, correct? Well, careful what you wish for people…now I need a step stool to reach the bottom of the washer. I’ve turned in to a client.

7. Speaking of clients, and assistive devices and holiday decorations. Shocker that my family would make fun of me when in my infinite wisdom, I ordered one of those “grabbers” off of, you guessed it…AMAZON… BECAUSE I used that bad boy to hang my outside decorations all over my magnolia tree… who’s laughing now? My tree looks FABULOUS. Please see exhibit #3

8. Leaves. Well, the street sweepers came people. The Pot Belly Pig Dog lost her ever-lovin-mind. And again, if our cars got broken in to, she wouldn’t make a noise. Poor Rufus is unearthed on numerous occasions from his untimely grave, not a sound. I fall and am lying in the driveway, not a peep. The leaves get picked up and she thinks we’re being robbed.

9. Glitter. Glitter has been banned from this house since 2001 when the oldest kid managed to get covered in it and I swear it took me weeks to get all remnants of it off his body. To this day, I’m still finding it in the cracks and crevices of this house. Low and behold, I pick up ribbon for my outside decorations, before realizing there’s glitter… all over it. Well, I’m certainly not going back to the store, I’m lucky I went there in the first place, so now I have to use it right? How bad can it be? Well, I’m here to inform you that despite my using said ribbon outdoors the dam glitter still followed me indoors. IT. IS. EVERYWHERE, and I’m not happy about it.

10. Back to Goose. It’s not just people who are bored and losing it a bit during the pandemic. Goose has taken to stealing the bathroom doorknob. Not sure what that’s all about, she gives a whole new meaning to “eating glass….” Please see exhibit #4

11. And for your bonus this week…I’m wondering why no one has taken my suggestion in the work suggestion box for the Holiday party activities…what’s wrong with setting stuff on fire in your yard while on teams or zoom or facetime or whatever we’re using these days? Setting things on fire is therapeutic. AND…gives the neighbors something to talk about, so it’s a win – win. Fun for you, and provides the neighbors with free entertainment and a subject to discuss over dinner.

Have a great weekend!