Your Weekly Pandemic Antics...1st Day of Fall Edition...(9-23-2020)

Your Weekly Pandemic Antics…1st day of Fall Edition….

Well kids, we are well in to month 6 of our work from home situation. It’s getting cooler out, many kids are home learning remotely, hopefully you’ve all stopped stealing office furniture…we’re plugging along. Here’s what I’ve got for you…

1. Starbucks. Went through the drive thru for an afternoon pick me up, and I’ll start this by saying, serves me right, because I had perfectly good coffee all brewed at home. You all know I get confused placing my order with all the fancy lingo, so why would this time be any different? I ordered myself a large black iced coffee and thought I’d be nice and ordered Al a pumpkin iced coffee. Their response, “a cold brew?” No, thank you, iced please. “Okay, so that’s a cold brew correct?” No, iced please. “So you want a pumpkin cold brew, yes?” NO. I DO NOT WANT A HOT COFFEE, I’D LIKE A PUMPKIN ICED COFFEE. God love that poor kid. He finally said, “Miss, the cold brew is iced…it says cold right in the name…” I drive up, I pay, I get my coffees and the guy says, “thank you, drive safe.” I said, Thank you, you too...just another example of how some days I shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house.

2. That brings me to the fabulous season of fall. We all have to get outdoors and do all sorts of authentic New England-ie Autumn-type things, like go to the pumpkin patch and apple picking. We all torture our families, friends, significant others, pets, to get that perfect fall photo showcasing the joy that these events bring while spending quality time together…Norman Rockwell-like. Let’s get real people…we’ve all been trapped together for 6 months…you and your photo’s are not fooling anyone…unless those photos were taken on a hay ride, in the dark, while partaking in the consumption of frosty alcoholic (pumpkin) beverages, we all know there was someone whining, complaining or crying in those pictures, and that someone may have very well been you.

3. With fall comes pumpkin everything…pumpkin cookies, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin beer, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin candles…the pumpkin is like the Marsha Brady of the Vegetable world…Marsha Marsha Marsha, pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin. The pumpkin is probably the youngest child and hated by veggies everywhere.

4. Speaking of candles…despite my better judgement, I found myself at TJ Maxx the other day looking for a gift. In the candle aisle a man says to me, can I get your opinion? My wife sent me to buy her an autumn scented candle but said it can’t smell like pumpkin, or cinnamon, or apples or vanilla. It can’t smell like leaves. It can’t smell too “earthy”. It can’t be orange. I said, are you sure she wants a fall scented candle and isn’t just trying to buy herself some time and keep you out of the house? Good luck and God speed my friend…buy her a scentless candle and switch the labels with one that says fall on it…that’s all I got.

5. Gramma Edie…saw her this week at the nursing home where visits continue to take place outside due to the pandemic. She was annoyed that I dragged her out in to the cold. She said to me… “I don’t know why I’m living so God dammed long…I’m 98 years old for chrissake….” That pretty much sums it up.

6. As you’re all well aware, the temperatures are changing and it’s getting cooler outside. Earlier in the week when it was a balmy 33 degrees here in The Woo, my remote learners already started complaining and asking to put on the heat. I told them they’ve all lost their minds if they think the heat’s going on any time before November 1st and all are welcome to head on over to Grammy’s to home school there, as her house is a steady 75 degrees all year long.

7. The Pot belly pig-dog and I are going to blows sooner than later. Now that she’s gotten super stealth, she’s much harder to chase and takes off at lightning speed when protecting us from anyone who walks by the house… All. Day. Long. She barks at the slightest movement of anyone passing by, yet the neighborhood cars can be getting broken in to and she sleeps right through it. This dog needs to get her priorities straight.

8. Goose…Goose clearly isn’t liking when we go out and do people things that dogs aren’t welcome to do. She’s not a fan of the crate and has certainly made that point clear… please see exhibit #1.

9. The stand - off between Harley, the chipmunks, the squirrels and all woodland creatures continues. She is not happy with their foraging around and collection of items to get them through the winter. I believe she sees this as an outright threat and thievery and she is exhausted from standing watch well in to the night time hours. Her work is never done here, especially as she has to pick up the slack of Pot belly and her useless barking.

*** Update…as of 9/23/2020 the score is now Harely 1, Chipmunks 100. She finally caught one and it wasn’t pretty.

10. Kevin…if you’ve been reading, you’ll remember he was recently named my favorite kid…well, he’s been demoted. He asked me to pick him up at the airport yesterday, he was coming home to surprise his parents…well, good luck with that Kevin, because your Mother is like a Government Operative and nothing gets by that woman…so of course I tell him, sure, anything for you Kevin…until I realize his flight was coming in to Logan at 7am. So off I went at o-dark-hundred to pick his sorry self up in BOSTON when we have a perfectly good airport within walking distance of my house. #theworcesterairportneedstogetthemselvestogether.

11. And for your bonus this week kids…in case you’re wondering, Kevin did not surprise his parents, because like I said, his Mother is like an undercover Government Operative who knows all…she said she woke up at 5am because she had a “feeling” something was up. I swear that woman has Spidey Senses and why any of these kids on Asbury Road would try to get away with anything on her watch is beyond me…makes my parenting job way easier and I like it.

Have a great weekend!!!