Your Weekly Antics - Who Gives a Quack Edition...3-31-22

Living vicariously through others and not giving a quack. That’s where we’re at these days kids, it’s as simple as that. Just going about our business trying to make it through the day, biding our time getting through winter and the cold spring. Spring brings tulips, green grass, baby bunnies and ducklings…I myself am envious of the little ducklings I recently met. They’re getting their three squares served up to them tub side while they float about in a nice warm bath, watching whatever the latest series is on Netflix, while stealing food from each other and living their best lives. When they outgrow their tub side accommodations, they’ll move outdoors to their coop with their chicken and turkey friends as well as sharing their living quarters with their soon to be besties, the goats. Life on the farm, it’s sounding better and better. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. While thinking of these lucky ducks I found myself channel surfing and got hung up watching some crime thriller type shows and thought to myself, there’s no way I could live a life of crime. Not because I’m a good person, but because I couldn’t keep up. This got me back to thinking about the free loading feathered ducks floating about, who despite what their Duck Mom has named them, I now refer to as Mac and Cheese. I came to the conclusion that these ducks are living a better life than me, floating their feathered selves atop the warm water of their indoor bathtub, and decided to come up with some reasons why I would never fair well living a life of crime…I’d make the worst criminal ever…and here’s why…

2. For starters, I’m not running. I’m not running from you, from him, from her, from the police, a fire, an angry hungry bear, a pack of wolves, and I am most certainly not running for pleasure. So you won’t see me committing a transgression that involves me running away from the scene of the crime. I am far better off on the right side of the law.

3. I’m no computer whiz - Gavin and the rest of our IT department at Elder Services can attest to that, therefore, I would be of no use to any kind of cyber-crime gang, instead I would be a liability, so that leaves that out.

Exhibit 1, Gavin.

4. I have Irish guilt running through my veins at all times, so despite me being the worst Catholic ever, you’d find me banging down the doors of St. Peter’s Church begging Monseigneur Scollen to hear my confession, and Parenteau would have to dedicate an entire rosary and all its beads just to me. Forgery wouldn’t be my thing because I don’t have the patience - Bottom line, I would find it far too stressful to live a life of crime. I’m lazy, too old to start something new, have a chronic guilty conscious and the attention span of a fruit fly - striving to be a decent human being and just get through the day is hard enough – no need to complicate things.

5. Movies – while surfing through the channels last week wondering what Mac and Cheese the ducks were watching, we came upon the movie 2001 A Space Odyssey. This film was apparently made in 1968 and some will say that the graphics and special effects were far beyond this particular films years and can be considered a classic. I mean no offense, but I am not and will never be, this movies biggest fan. According to someone who shall not be named, apparently the fact that I had never viewed this movie is unamerican and a crime in itself. Despite this, I still refused to watch it just out of principal – it's just not my cup of tea and all of the sound effects in it grate on my last nerve - this of course is only my opinion and the opinions expressed here in The Antics are not representative of the opinions of all of its readers…carry on.

6. Now, if I were to get myself a pair of ducklings, that would be illegal here in The Woo. Apparently owning ducks in the 02 is frowned upon. So if I got myself some ducks, harbored ducks, made myself a pond in the yard to entice ducks to hang out here, that would be against the law, so I would assume I would be accused of some kind of duck crime. A duck criminal I would be.

7. Here’s what I want to know…if we had a large amount of rain and a huge hole in my yard that just happened to be lined with a baby pool or coy pond liner, and just happened to fill with rain water and some stray ducks and ducklings just happened upon my yard and its accidental duck loving accommodations, and they chose to take up residence in my yard, is that against duck laws? I wouldn’t technically be adopting or purchasing ducks, they would be independently finding their way to me. I wouldn’t own the ducks, they’d actually be using me and my yard to land for a while, and it would be mean to do anything to prevent them from taking up residence here on my corner, don’t you think? So technically I wouldn’t own the ducks, therefore wouldn’t be breaking any laws. So again, still not a duck criminal.

8. Lily’s a Crook – Gramma Edie’s been complaining for months about Lily, another one of the residents at her Nursing Home, telling us that she wanders the halls of the Nursing Home stealing things from other residents rooms. She’s like Goldilocks and the Three Bears…she walks the halls wandering from room to room, if there’s a vacant made up bed, she stops for a quick lie down, tests it out, and off she goes. I thought, well Edie, that’s not exactly stealing, she’s just wandering around keeping herself busy, until I saw for myself. As Gramma Edie reported, while Lily is going from room to room, she’s swiping stuff off of other residents trays and dressers. During this weeks visit I sat back and watched Lily in action, collecting a wide variety of things...a chocolate pudding cup on a residents tray, gone, she swipes it. Carton of milk, she takes that too...Plastic utensils and napkins, shoved in to her sweater pocket…a tiny bouquet of flowers, gone...all within minutes and with a smile on her face. Harmless really, and entertaining. According to Edie however, these are all crimes against humanity and Lily is no better than a common criminal...with that, Edie adds, this is what I subject her to when placing her in a Nursing Home that is actually in fact prison.

9. Then there’s highway robbery of the coffee variety - Starbucks. I haven’t talked about Starbucks for a while because I’ve found myself some new coffee joints. However, a friend of Elder Services has not heeded my grand advice and continues to subject himself to their nonsense and trickery, recently falling victim to their wrongdoing. He placed his order, he stood in line for his entire lunch break from doing the work of the people, got his overpriced watered down iced coffee, only to realize after all that, his order was incorrect. To add further insult to injury, he reported it tasted horrible and out of disgust, used that full brand new fancy over priced iced coffee to water the dirt in the parking lot. I was witness to this event and I have to say, it was sad, so one would think he'd learn from this experience, but no...read on...

10. Starbucks take 2…because the first time wasn’t enough to teach him, he thought he’d ignore his wise friend and test fate…despite my efforts, he took a gander and hit up another Starbucks. He claims the wait this time around was about half of his last visit so he became foolishly optimistic, thinking things were looking up. The order he received was correct, however, the cup and its lid were faulty, lid not securely in place and as a result, his overpriced super fancy iced coffee ended up spilling down the front of his jacket, first sip in. Word to the wise friend, you’re now $13 down and still decaffeinated. Maybe you should start taking the sound advice of your coffee knowledgeable ally and take the trip out to Sweets N' Java in Holden, or Roots and Press in Tatnuck Square? You would’ve gotten three coffees for the price of the two unsuccessful Starbucks Venti Brown Sugar Oat milk Extra Smooth Iced Coffees that Starbucks denied you. Listen to me. I know stuff. And yes, that was his exact order. Please see Exhibit 2, proof of the fu fu type coffee order.

And last but not least people, take it all in stride. Be like Mac and Cheese and live your best duck lives - try not to let yourselves get aggravated over such things as the wrong coffee order and stolen pudding cups...let it all go like water off a ducks back.

Have a great weekend!