Your Weekly Antics Voodoo on the Basketball Court & The Human Barometer Edition...1-20-2022

Well kids, I hope you've all survived the full moon thus far, heeded my advice in last weeks Antics and weren't dumb enough to move any cones or chairs or whatever else was left curbside to preserve someone's shoveled out parking spot, you didn't clog up your snow blowers with the slush we had earlier in the week and if you had the day off in honor of Martin Luther King, that you used your time wisely and did something nice for someone. If not, it's only Thursday so there's still time - get your act together. Here's what I've got...

1. Getting your coffee prepared the night before. Fun fact… when going through your normal nightly routine and you are a bit agitated and over tired, pay special attention to what you’re doing. It won’t matter how well you prepped the night before so that your morning routine goes off without a hitch unless you remember to put the coffee pot back in its place so that you don’t end up with a counter and kitchen floor covered in coffee at 8am. Not a good way to start the day.

2. Going to school in the pandemic. Masks are supposed to keep us safe from germs, but again, when not paying attention, they can be a hinderance. It’s fabulous that we can make faces and mutter things under our breath and 95% of the time our mutterings go unnoticed, but these masks will not protect you from gum. So if the no gum chewing in school rule is violated, but you think you’ve got it all under control and are getting away with something, think twice before you blow bubbles with your mask on. Dumbass. Not only will the interior of your mask be covered in gum, but so will your face, and unless you want to rat your own self out, you’re sitting like that until the class ends and you can beat feet out of there to fix yourself. Don’t be a dope. Exhibit 1, faces made prior to the bubble gum incident.

3. Don’t underestimate our elders people. There are plenty of computer and smartphone savvy peeps out there and if they get a hold of your email, look out. I have a 95 year old elder who lives alone in her own home and is a retired office manager of a large business here in the area. Her entire kitchen is set up like an office and she does not mess around. Don’t tell her you’re working on something or that you’ll take it from here, because she will not only tell you to stick it where the sun don’t shine, but she will also make you look like you’ve never before laid eyes on technology. Fact is, Sylvia doesn’t need me at all people, she’s my newest all time favorite client and if the reports continue to come in as fast and furious as they have been, I may give her a side job to do all my paperwork. I'm pretty sure she'd work for free because she's made it perfectly clear that she feels I’m too incompetent to do my job and she'd be far better at it. Have at it Sylvia, I don't doubt that for a second. Welcome to the PS Department.

4. If you have a kid in the Worcester Public Schools and you want the inside scoop on snow totals, icy conditions, time start delays or snow days, don’t wait for the automated call from the Superintendent. Give me your number and I'll hook you up with Marshall and his no school call list. He's more spot on with the weather than the news meteorologists or any app you could possibly have on your phones. Now that these kids are back in school, no longer home schooling and weather and snow days apply to them, he's back in the game. He's got a year and half worth of pent up weather energy and predictions stored away in that over active brain of his so he's more accurate now than ever. Chance of precipitation that makes you wonder what your morning commute will be like? Call Marshall. Wondering if the temps will be too cold for your kid to stand out at the bus stop? Call Marshall. Want a prediction on how much snow is going to fall? Call Marshall. Meri doesn't bother with the snow day calculator app anymore, she's got Marshall, the human barometer.

5. Here’s a tip…if you’re going to pretend you’re the Chief of Police, don’t call the Police station, identify yourself as such, and then ask to speak to the Chief of Police. That will raise suspicions and your cover will be blown. And by the way...I'm the Easter Bunny.

6. There may be some photo’s circulating this week of me hanging onto some of our trusty public servants while out on home visits. I am now officially 100 years old and live in chronic fear of eating pavement and taking a digger while out doing the work of the people. The walkways and stairs have been treacherous and I'm sure you'll all find it hard to believe, my cat-like reflexes and legendary athletic skills are not what they used to be. Now when I hit the ground I stay there for a bit waiting and hoping for my bones to settle and have my chiropractor on speed dial. I'm not ashamed to admit I've called her directly from the ground on more than one occasion and Meri has set that fall indicator thing up on that narc of an apple watch I have that continues to try to tell me what to do. These fall concerns aren't just for my own well being. I'm also taking in to consideration all of the paperwork and trouble a fall on the job would be for our HR department should I take a header down a flight of stairs. So listen up Jack Frost you son of a bitch, work with me. As for my trusty walking assistants this week who kept me on my feet, thank you. However, I would suggest those incriminating photo's be destroyed if you'd like to remain on the cookie list...you have been warned.

7. One of the many reasons why I love my job as the Crisis Worker at ESW is this. All the fabulous people I meet including the occasional celebrity. This week for instance I met a lovely gentlemen who took it upon himself to sign all of the paperwork required of him as JFK Jr.. Later in the day he called to invite me back over to visit with him when his good buddy Michael Jackson stopped by. For you conspiracy theorists out there, mystery solved. Both according to this guy, are alive and well living their best lives here in the Woo. You’re welcome.

8. Speaking of celebrities, take a gander at this…perfect example of New Englanders and how we role with the weather. One day It’s -20 with the windchill, the next it’s a balmy 18 degrees and to us it feels like spring so we’re throwing the windows open for some fresh air. Good excuse to hang out and converse with your across the driveway neighbors. Exhibit 2, Remy’s Mom Jen.

9. I was out on visits and realized that I broke my ID and was walking around with only half of it. An easy fix. I just stopped back in the office and grabbed one of the stash I have of Leah’s old ID’s. Problem solved. With the state of the world today, do you really think anyone was going to stop to question me? No one really cares who the hell I am anyway, why not be Leah for the day? Exhibit 3, one of Leah's ID's I lifted.

10. Voodoo and the basketball court - In case you’re wondering, according to Kiley Miller if your basketball team continues to take shots at the hoop and the hoop and the ball just don’t seem to want to cooperate and that ball won’t get in the basket, it is not the players fault. It’s a sign from the basketball Gods that the hoop is cursed. Some spell, or voodoo or some other kind of black magic has been cast upon it, and you may be required to take matters into your own hands. So, if you go to one of Kiley’s games and she smells like garlic or sage that means she’s got it on her person in hopes to set that hoop straight. It's working for her, so just go along with it. Exhibit 4, Kiley on the court.

11. And last but not least, be careful out there people. Have a great weekend!