Your Weekly Antics - Viking Funerals and Parking Tickets Edition...4-7-22

This week in The Antics we're going to talk about fork replacement, hiding of the spoons, Viking Funerals, recycling bins and why you should pay your parking tickets on time. Try to keep up...here's what I've got...

1. If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that we’ve been missing silverware here on our corner and we were down to 6 forks. Well I’d like to announce that I’ve added more silverware to the mix and am now the proud owner of 14 forks - count them - 14. Who knows how long we’ll be at 14 but as The Antics hit the presses we’re still holding strong at this number. Wish me luck…things can change on a dime around here and we could be back to 6 before we know it. If we could collect forks like we collect stray socks, I’d be all set.

2. Helping herself to a fork so she could dig into her left over waffle, the youngest Kap kid noticed we added to the utensil supply. She informs me that the addition to our silverware collection has no effect on her life what-so-ever because she has her favorite spoon and her favorite fork and as long as those remain in the rotation the missing silverware or lack there-of is not her issue. I asked her if she’s been hiding the favorite fork and spoon and she tells me, don’t worry about it…some people have teenagers who hide booze in the house, I have one who hides silverware.

3. The above spoken about left over waffle came from Charlies in Spencer where we met loyal Antics readers Vickie and Liz for breakfast last week. Little did we know that during this breakfast outing we’d run in to Nicholas Cage or perhaps, his look alike. Not only did we learn that you never know who you’ll run in to when leaving the 02, but that the youngest Kap kid has smartened up and can no longer be bribed into such things as asking our Nicholas Cage look alike for a selfie with the kid. It was fun while it lasted Liz, we’re going to have to come up with new ways to entertain ourselves and torture the youngest member of our crew.

Exhibit 1, Nicholas Cage & Nicholas Cage.

4. Came home from breakfast, go out in the yard to see what kind of havoc the dogs have created and wouldn’t you know it, chickens. Chickens have infiltrated the 02. Not ducks, but chickens, and not in my yard. They’re here people, apparently the rise in poultry and meat prices have everyone in a dither and going about their backyard business here in the city so as not to starve and/or break the bank…pretty soon we’ll have cattle in the Woo, yet Al won’t allow me to bring home some ducks. Exhibit 2 - go visit the middle kid at Rocco's on West Boylston Street.

5. Even on our way to breakfast, squirrels find a way to mess with me, and are clearly not aware of my driving record…I'm not sure what their problem is, but they need to stop running out in front of the mini van. Word to the wise…if one runs in front of your vehicle it would be in your best interest and that of your passenger not to close your eyes. That’s not saving the squirrel and it's not saving you. If they’re running out in front of you, gun it – it’s their own dam fault and slowing down while they run back and forth and back again trying to figure out what the hell they’re doing is just painful to watch and is only prolonging the inevitable. Just like we tell our kids, if they choose a life on the streets, you’re eventually going to end up squashed. if you don't want to end up this way, stay out of the road.

6. Should you run a woodland creature over during your travels, just keep it moving. As much as you’d love to partake in a Viking funeral, it’s not the time or the place and you’ll only bring unwanted attention to yourself. It’s frowned upon to set random things on fire on the side of the road. Try to stay on the right side of the law for crying out loud.

7. Viking funerals. If you’d like to have a Viking funeral held in your honor, go ahead and question me about dinner. Ask me again if there are other veggie options being served with Sundays meal. Go ahead and ask how the meal was prepared and its ingredients. I haven’t killed anyone with a meal I’ve cooked yet, so keep it moving. If you don’t like what’s being served, there’s the door. We are not a restaurant here, therefore, no special requests will be taken unless it's your Birthday, so I suggest you meet up with Nicholas Cage out at Charlies in Spencer and tell him all about it. I'm not making any exceptions and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll return my forks. Don’t mess with me.

8. Check this out…a new addition to the neighborhoods of our fine city. If you haven’t gotten one yet, have no fear, one is headed your way as it appears that the city has listened to the many complaints of its citizens regarding their dissatisfaction with the old recycling bins and have given us all upgraded bins with fancy tops attached. Please note in Exhibit 2 that these fine additions are not only shaped different than our last recycling bins but are also adorned with covers and a spot dedicated on the front to place your name and/or address in the event that they’re blown away, stolen, or more likely, run over by your neighbor. In addition to its zip tied cover attachment, there is also a code on the front should you determine the need to go high tech with your trash or that of your neighbor while you stand roadside admiring your new shiny bin. While you're hanging around out curbside, you can now scan that code with your iphones should you feel the need to contact or access the DPW’s website. I’m going to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to Lawn Mowing Joe, as I have a long sordid history of running his recycling bin over at the end of our shared driveway. Enjoy it while it's in one piece my friend.

9. Word to the wise. License renewals. This fine country we live in allows us the privilege to drive a motor vehicle. You take drivers ed as a kid, you hopefully pass your driving test, and bam, you have your license to drive anywhere you want. All you have to do is not drive like a lunatic and display a minimal amount of responsibility and self control. This includes parking. In the 30 something years I've been driving, I've been known from time to time to test the limits, make my own parking spots, move a cone or two, park illegally every chance I get, and believe it or not, go above the speed limit. As I've aged, I've become much more responsible and let's face it, I'm one step away from a handicapped plate. Even so, I generally follow all rules bestowed upon me from the RMV and the powers that be. So, when I do get a parking ticket that I believe is in error, follow all the rules, write all the correct letters and file all the correct appeals, still get denied, ignore that denial and appeal it yet again, and then am told despite my efforts I owe $140 in parking tickets and unpaid fines in order to renew my license, I'm not happy. I'm here to tell you people, I fought the law and the law won. Pay your tickets and screw the appeals, in the end you're gonna have to pay the man anyway if you want your license renewed. See you in 5 years RMV ... see you in five.

10. Dad jokes...it's not that Al hasn't been supplying Meri with daily eye rolling verses and anecdotes, it's that we've started to drown them out. This one however, could not go without comment. Once I got on the right side of the law and was again in good standing with the RMV, I was able to get on line and renew my license. I came upon all the standard questions including organ donation. Well of course I'm an organ donor because who wouldn't want a piece of this? I digress...I simply mentioned this question to Al to ensure he was still an organ donor. Al's response...of course I'm an organ donor, but I don't play the organ, I play the guitar.... Meri's eyes are still rolling ...

And last but not least, heed my advice people. Don't use your new city issued recycling bins to store your parking tickets. This won't end well - the RMV, and apparently now the DPW, know everything.

Have a great weekend!