Your Weekly Antics...Unleash the Hounds Edition...10-7-2021

1. Well kids, we are off to a good start for October. Just to add to our confusion over what the hell season we're actually in, it is indeed October and it is in fact fall, despite the leaves not backing you up on this one. The majority of trees still full of lush green vegetation, leaves hanging out waiting on Mother Nature to get her act together, are taking advantage of her negligence and untimely changing of the seasons. Cut her some slack, she's been busy trying to snuff us all out with the heat and humidity of the summer and when not doing that, trying to soak us in as much rain as possible. But don't fear, according to our local weather watchers, we are having a late fall foliage season. The transition of the falls vibrant colors will happen people, so if you're a leaf - peeper, keep it together, it's coming. In the meantime, enjoy the cooler days, the gorgeous sunshine we're having and eat and drink all of the pumpkin themed treats you can find. Breathe deep and try not to lose it on anyone because I don't care who you are, how much you love fall and fall colors, none us look good in prison orange, so let's just try to stay out of the clink. *** Update - according to a reliable source, (Billy Parenteau), our local jails do not offer orange jumpsuits. Instead, grey sweats and jeans - now I ask you this … does that sound like an incentive to stay out of the clink? You can commit crimes, get locked up and still wear your comfy jeans and sweats? Sounds like my dream job...Here's what I've got...

1. Al was home last week kids, which meant that he was left alone to his own vices while some of us tried to work. One of those vices is music. Al loves music, all kinds, all genres. Doesn’t matter that he’s a 50 year old man and that he knows it’ll make his 14 year old Daughter nuts that he has Dua Lipa blaring through the house when she comes home from school…in fact, it just makes him play it louder as she’s walking through the back door. To this, the youngest Kap kid had no reaction other than to go directly to her room in complete and utter disgust. Dad 1, Meri 0.

2. Only thing that makes #1 better is when the kid comes home and Al is playing the electric guitar to T-Swizzle. Yes Al, you have been exposed.

3. Clearly the individual we spoke of last week who shall not be named, continues to think he can control the Patriots, Belichick and all of Gillette Stadium with his mind. Couch Coaching continued last Sunday people and I was told that I should probably vacate the living room with minutes left in the 4th quarter because I was ruining his concentration and I was going to jinx the team or as he referred to it, break up the band…whatever, still didn’t work out for them, did it? Don’t quit your day job Al.

4. Speaking of controlling things with your mind. Let’s talk about Goose. Goose is the youngest Kap dog in the pack, is hearing impaired, and to put it mildly, is a big chicken, and yes, I realize despite my dislike of most birds, she has been pegged with two bird references. Goose doesn’t like the rain, or the snow, or high winds, or leaves falling. God forbid an acorn drops or one of those unruly squirrels hucks a pinecone at her, because she will hit the ground and try to make herself invisible, becoming one with the grass so fast you find yourself looking around for her as if she‘s vanished. When it rains, she thinks she’s being attacked - you can wave a porterhouse steak in front of her and she still won’t budge. She looks at you with nothing but disappointment because up until then, she thought you were the best thing since sliced bread because after all, you have thumbs and walk upright, so she expects a lot from you. Her little chicken self sits and stares through to your soul just waiting for you to work your magic, stop the insanity that is the rain, the snow or whatever else is falling from the sky, so that she can go out and return unharmed. Poor Goose. We let her down every time it rains. It’s a lot of pressure when your dog thinks so highly of you. She has absolutely no idea what the hell is going on.

5. Okay people, pay attention, I don't want to hear it that you can't follow a long and I'm not clear - if you pay attention, this will all make perfect sense. In our house we have the front yard, the side yard and the deck. The deck is located off our back door, on the driveway side of the house. One would assume this is our back yard, correct? In actuality the back door is located off of our front yard which is located right off of the driveway. Our front door is located at the front of the house and leads to our side yard. No one ever uses the front door because why would we walk all the way around to go through the front when the back door is located right off the driveway? Matter of fact, I couldn’t even tell you where our front door keys are or if we even have any. Unless you are specifically looking for the front door, you wouldn’t even know it’s there. So, when the dogs are already outside on the deck and we ask them, do you want to go outside?, we have to let them in the house to let them back out of the house to get to the side yard. You following? Try to keep up...

6. #5 becomes especially fun and entertaining when the Amazon driver or some other unsuspecting fool comes to our back gate on the deck. We call the dogs in, let them inside the house just to let them out the front door. The front door opens and they proceed to storm the yard like they're on fire barking and wreaking havoc. This whole scenario happens in about 3.5 seconds and is generally met by the horrified look from the Amazon driver who is re thinking his life choices, and all those times he left our packages out in the rain. I imagine things going through his mind go something like this...1., this lady’s nuts, (ok, that’s fair…), 2. Weren’t her dogs just outside, why is she letting them inside while asking them if they want to go out? And 3. Son of a bitch, how did they get back out here? #unleashthehounds.

7. The dishwasher. I know teenagers everywhere will find this shocking, but it’s a little known fact that the dishwasher does not load or unload itself. The loading and unloading of the dishwasher is a fairly standard practice that does not require any particular skill set or expertise. In fact, in most cases it’s just as easy to open the dishwasher door and put a dirty dish inside than it is to dump the dirty dish in the sink. The youngest Kap kid who I consider intelligent and respectable, cannot get this simple task mastered. Clearly she is experiencing some type of mental block that does not allow her to remember to place all of her dirty dishes in the dishwasher because on the daily this kid leaves her dishes throughout the house, often not even making it to the sink. I’ve informed the youngest Kap kid that I have established my next plan of action to assist her in breaking this lazy habit and overcoming this unfortunate mind block. The plan is this…I will eventually crack, collect her dirty dishes, drive myself and all of her dirty dishes to the main office of her school where I will ask the office staff to call Meri down because she forgot her lunch. Upon her arrival at the office I will not be giving her any lunch what – so – ever, and instead will hand her an entire dish drainer full of her dirty dishes. She knows not to try me on this, just ask her Father. He will recount the great paper towel incident of 2002. This my friends will start a long over due dirty dish revolution banding Mothers together everywhere. Don’t mess with me. Put your friggin dishes in the dam dishwasher.

8. For any of you who have worked in social services or in any form of public service, I’m sure you can all attest to the fact that at this stage of the game our families and loved ones don’t believe a word we say when we try to tell them about things that happen at work. They look at us like we’re coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs and that on most days we have got to be making this stuff up. Sometimes it takes your people witnessing first -hand what we’re talking about. This is exactly what happened to my bleeding heart husband who didn’t take my word for it that I had tried everything under the sun to help a certain individual who likes to hang out at a local coffee shop Drive thru. He asks me why I can't do something to help her, like I just spend all my time driving around ignoring people and harassing the likes of Angel and Walter all day long. He asks, where does she live? Why can’t you find her housing, decent meals, somewhere to sleep? Check, check and check again, you're preaching to the choir my friend. His good Christian self just had to give it a shot instead of sticking to what he knows doing whatever the hell it is he does working for the phone company. He sees this poor soul at the drive thru. He pulls up. Rolls down the window with Pot Belly Pig Dog in the back seat losing her mind. He says hello. This person asks him for money. In response (God love him…) he instead offers her my business card and says, “call this person or anyone at Elder Services, they’ll help you”. As she’s throwing the card back at him, she responds, thanks but no thanks, unless you’ve got some “dough“ for me. Youngest Kap kid in the back seat says,… “Seriously Dad, how did you think that was gonna go? This is why Mom should have printed help me help you on the back of all her business cards…"

9. Parking. One of these days Al will realize that I park crooked in our driveway ever so slightly and on purpose because I know it makes him nuts. Day in and day out he goes out there and re parks the car, he just can't help himself. Doesn’t matter that it’s not really crooked to begin with and he puts it right back where I parked it in the first place. Leaf Blower Joe Wrixon is my witness.

10. For you Red Sox fans out there, I’m writing this early. Tonight (which was Tuesday...) is the wild card game vs. the Yankees and wouldn’t you know it, the mass lottery numbers that came up this week were 1-9-7-8. For those superstitious and die-hard fans out there ( Matt Noponen...), this number has them all jacked up recalling Bucky Dents famous home run in the tie breaking game between the Sox and the Yankees on October 2, 1978. Ultimately the Sox lost that game no thanks to Dents famous three run homer that opened up that game, paving the way for the Yankees win. Not that Red Sox fans everywhere are bitter or anything - ever - about anything regarding the Yankees. All I remember about 1978 is the Blizzard. What can I say? I was 7. Mike Nowicki are you impressed that I know this kind of information??? *** update – the Sox won…how ya like us now Frank Skinnnnaaaahhhhhhh???

11. And last but not least, a Marshall update – my skinny - pants too big for him friend - is doing well folks. He continues to be the Mayor of where ever he lands, making friends everywhere he goes like the true celebrity that he is. It has become his new favorite pass time in between calling Chad to harass him about anything he can think of, to send every single pair of pants I buy him back for me to return. As an added bonus, he’s only fired me from being his friend about 17 times this week and hasn't called any of the Kap kids or Al to rat me out for things I haven't even realized I've done yet. But keep in mind, it's only Thursday. :)

Have a great weekend!