Your Weekly Antics - Those God Forsaken Elves & Eight Crazy Nights Edition…12-2-2021

Well kids, I hope you all survived your first full traditional holiday since pre COVID and none of you snapped and knocked off a family member. If you did and you’re now in the clink lemme know and I’ll organize a letter writing campaign so you’re not too bored while adjusting to your new living accomodations. We are on Day 5 of those 8 crazy nights, so Happy Hanukkah, I hope you’re being good to each other. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Let’s just say this…just because we should have all been thankful for having the good fortune of gathering together for the first time since 2019, doesn’t mean that human nature wouldn’t get the best of us presenting us with the possibility of falling back in to old habits. Would it really be a traditional holiday if we didn’t aggravate each other or weren’t completely annoyed by Thanksgiving all together? Probably not. Sometimes all that tryptophan and family bonding is enough to make you speak truths such as this…

Me, “ Kiley, how was your day?”

Kiley, “Great. I ate pasta and bread. I hate turkey and everything that goes with it...”

Me, “Don’t be afraid to tell me exactly how you feel…”

*** And this my friends, is how I know she is truly my niece.

Exhibit 1...Turkey cookie lifted from Terry's house stashed in Kolby's glove compartment.

2. For you over- achieving Christmas decorators who start putting up your lights and lawn ornaments as soon as Halloween is over, I hope you’re happy because you’re responsible for killing Santa’s Elves. According to my cousin Molly Donahue, her tall tales, legends, urban myth, and plain old solicitous lies she’s been known to spread to keep us in line, this apparently is a fact we should all be aware of. She reports that every day you put your Christmas lights on before December 1st, Santa murders an Elf…” Seriously folks? And you wonder where I get it…Clearly John Brissette does not abide by this rule, please see Exhibit 1, John Brissette, the master of all things Christmas who is apparently solely responsible for the untimely demise of Elves everywhere...his lights have been up and on for weeks…too bad this myth doesn’t apply to the Elf on a Shelf too…

3. The stellar Parents that we are, Al and I decided to completely ruin the magic of Christmas for the Kap kids this year and went out and bought ourselves a fake Christmas tree. I’m old. My knees hurt. I fall down a lot. I’m tired. AND no thanks to the youngest Kap kid we’ve got this crazy ass cat to contend with who would’ve just climbed it and knocked it down anyway spreading pine needles throughout our house like drunk Elves spread Christmas cheer. If you want to see an adorable kitten enjoying her Christmas tree, talk to Taryn Turgeon who adopted Auggies sister, a much nicer, friendlier version of our beast that I'm still not entirely sure is actually a cat. She is about 5 lbs of fur and rage and is not exactly in the holiday spirit. Clearly Auggie isn’t the brightest bulb and doesn’t care that the tree is a fake. She likes the lights, but I’m not so sure how long the lights will like her. Exhibit 2, Auggie tempting fate with electricity – stupid cat. *** Side note…I may or may not have seen John McDonald and Agnes out and about looking at fake Christmas trees last Saturday too - cat’s outta the bag McDonalds. If I’m going down for ruining Christmas I’m taking my friends with me. AND this is also a test to see if my Brother reads The Antics. If he really is a dedicated Antics reader, he will take one look at this and start blowing up my phone to bust my chops for getting a fake tree. Fa la la la la.

4. “You know, this tree will end up paying for itself…” Al justifying to his children the economic benefits of the purchase of the fake tree. Me? Well I wasn’t that concerned. I could lie to you and say that this purchase was for the greater good and to help the environment by saving a tree, but I‘m not a liar - I speak the truth and the Gods honest truth is, this purchase was all for convenience...I’m looking at it as quick clean up, stick it in a box and throw it back up into the attic on December 26th. When you’re all still vacuuming up pine needles come Easter don’t come crying to me.

5. My goal every year is to beat my sister in law Tina Miller and get my tree down and out of the house before she does. I’m not gonna lie, I fail miserably at this every year. In record time she has their live tree de-Christmas-ed, undecorated, out of the stand, and hoisted out their front door by 8am on December 26th, as if Christmas never happened at the Miller homestead. Now no one‘s perfect, especially when you are totally over Christmas, the merry making and spreading of good cheer. There have been years when the Miller tree has found itself on the lawn on 12/26 still in the stand with a few straggling decorations clinging to it - hanging on tight until they join said tree in the wood chipper. I'm thinking maybe this year I stand half a chance at beating her at this game as all I'll have to do is pack that puppy right back in the box and toss it in to the attic. I doubt it, but one can hope.

And no, I don't think this is blasphemous...by December 26th Christmas is over people, move on. We have St. Patrick's Day to start thinking about by that point. Exhibit 3, a dismantled tree of Miller’s Christmas‘s past…

6. Exhibit 4…a photo explanation of why one should never listen to Marshall when he insists that he needs quarters for the laundry or whatever the hell else he was doing with them. This my friends is $159 in quarters, nickels and dimes. Just to irritate him, I’m going to send all this through one of those coin star machines at the grocery store so that he loses 8 cents for every dollar counted, just out of principle. Then I'm going to tell him I'm donating it all to charity. Go ahead, file a PS report, I triple dog dare ya.

7. Marshall told me that his gift of choice for Hanukkah this year is scratch tickets. Well let me stop you all there. I’m telling you right now that if he thinks I’m buying him scratch tickets so that he can hit a million dollars just to have it paid out in ones and nickels so that I spend all eternity counting it, he’s out of his mind. And in case you're wondering, the Mass State Lottery does not have any Hanukkah themed lottery tickets, I looked. Here's all I found. Exhibit 5

8. With the start of the Christmas season brings out that God forsaken Elf on a Shelf. For all of you Parents out there who stupidly bought in to this tradition, lucky for all of you there are plenty of ideas on the internet on how you can maneuver that little bastard around your house making your kids think he’s magic. I’ll tell you this…those kids eventually grow up to be teenagers and with that comes some twisted minds and ideas for that stupid Elf. Let’s face it, at this rate I’m lucky I remember to take him out of hiding from his off season housing arrangement in the top drawer of my linens. I could care less if he magically moves through my house unless he magically manages to throw in a load of laundry. I have no more room for free loaders. So with that said, the Elf’s magic has now been taken over by the youngest Kap kid and let me tell you, she has been blessed with some dark gifts - that kid has tricks up her sleeve that are way beyond her years. This may be concerning for some, and you may be reading and thinking, hmmm dark gifts is a blessing? Get it together, glass is half full people. As long as you’re not on the receiving end of those dark gifts, you'll be all set so smarten up and stay in her good graces. I’m looking at it like this...no one’s gonna mess with her or her siblings and God help them if she finds out about it, so you may not want to cross her. Or Kiley. Don't cross that one either. Or the both of them at the same time because then you'll really be screwed. You have been warned. As for Charlie the Elf…well, he’s on his own. Exhibit 5, The Big Dog hated that stupid Elf too...

9. AND was anyone aware that this Elf existed? Who knew??? Clearly the Elf creators don't care what religion you are or what Holiday you celebrate - they're in it to win it, preying on the suckery and buffoonery of the American shoppers everywhere who don't know enough to say when, insisting that we do all that we can to make the holiday season as magical as possible for our offspring. I speak the truth people - stay strong and don't give in. Although this little guy is kind of cute, don't be a sucker, walk away or you will regret it. It'll just be one more thing to add to your daily tasks - you will routinely forget to move that little jerk who masks the evil that lies beneath that festive get up, resulting in your little angels broken hearts, again. Trust me on this. And don't even get me started on the flippin Tooth Fairy, she sucks too…a vixon with wings is what she is. Exhibit 6, I present to you, your Hanukkah Elf, like the Elf on the Shelf, torturing parents everywhere.

9. According to my buddy Mike Margolis the choice of Hanukkah songs is pretty bleak - you've got Adam Sandler and this…one of my all time favorites as well as The Bare Naked Ladies who offer up the seasonal Hanukkah songs. One would've thought that singer/ songwriter Irving Berlin who created White Christmas and Happy Holidays would've helped his people out, but who am I to judge? Here's the link to my all time favorite, as well as some from BNL for your listening pleasure...because who doesn't love a little Bare Naked Ladies to celebrate Hanukkah??? Please note, in addition to the word buffoonery used in #8, I have to credit Margolis with that little tid bit on Mr. Berlin as well as BNL.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX5Z-HpHH9g

And last but not least - in keeping with our holiday theme this week giving Hanukkah the much needed love and attention it deserves while also paying homage to my buddy Marshall, I've decided that the word of the week is Meshugena. *** Meshugana is Yiddish slang for a person who acts in a crazy or nonsensical way. It can also be used as an adjective to describe such a person, or as a noun meaning nonsense. *** I suspect if one chose to look further in to these definitions one would find Exhibits 9 & 10, Marshall Margolis.

Learn it. Live it. Use it.

That's all I've got kids... have a great weekend!