Your Weekly Antics The Unfortunate Life Cycle of a Housefly Edition...9-30-2021

Well kids, anyone who knows me well would be able to tell you that I like dogs more than most people - okay, I take that back - I like them more than all people. If my dog doesn't like you, I don't like you. If you don't like my dog, there's the door. Dogs love those they choose as their person fiercely and unconditionally with every fiber of their fury being. That was Lizzie and my Mom for the past 13 years. Right out of the gate she chose my Mother as her person and Sue Miller couldn't go anywhere or do anything without Lizzie knowing about it - God forbid my Mom tried to leave the house without her. Lizzie, although a fabulous dog, would get back at my Mom and let her know that she wasn't happy being left behind to ensure that she was taken on the next car ride or on her next outing. She was spoiled and loved, like all dogs should be. Sue Miller never sent out Photo Christmas cards of my Brother and I growing up, but they were sent out just about every year with Lizzie, and only Lizzie, front and center - and not just Christmas, the occasional St. Patrick's Day card was known to make an appearance in some of your mail boxes from time to time too. Sue Miller lost Lizzie this week. I understand some people may say she was just a dog, and to those who may say such, like I said above ... there's the door - you're not our people so keep it moving. This little bit I'm writing about Lizzie is the very least I can do. Rest easy sweet girl, thank you for taking great care of Sue Miller all these years. So, in the spirit of Lizzie Tish whose main focus in life was to keep my Mom smiling, here's what I've got...

1. Flies – they’re all pains in the ass I don’t care who you are or what you’re doing. Unless your job is working in a lab or the jungle or some wet and rainy swamp, I can’t think of anyone anywhere being happy to have them swarming around you. That brings me to the house fly. Doesn’t matter what you do, if you check to make sure your AC is securely in the window, all screens in-tact, yelling at kids and dogs for going in and out and in and out again, those little bastards find their way inside the house. So when you’re sitting at your work from home space trying to do the work of the people, know this – those sons of bitches have a life cycle of 15-30 days. So when you think you’re going crazy and suspect that it is the same fly fluttering about purposely to torment you, you are not hallucinating - it is in fact - the same fly - who has made it its 15-30 days life mission to do what he can to torture the hell out of you. You don’t believe me? Please see Exhibit 1, …

The life expectancy of a housefly is generally 15 to 30 days and depends upon temperature and living conditions. Flies dwelling in warm homes and laboratories develop faster and live longer than their counterparts in the wild. The housefly's brief life cycle allows them to multiply quickly if left uncontrolled. https://www.orkin.com/flies/house-fly/life-expectancy-of-house-fly

*** And for the rule following grammatically correct youngest Kap kid, this is the closest thing the Antics will ever come to a footnote…

2. The middle Kap Kid tells us that she saw a white butterfly this week. Without hesitation, the youngest Kap kid responds, " that was a moth, idiot." After some googling we determined that there are, in fact, white butterflies. We read further that often seeing a white butterfly signifies serenity, harmony and peace - so take that Meri - this of course caused the youngest Kap kid to hit the floor laughing because she believes her sister is none of those things. She may have told me to double check my sources.

Exhibit 2...

https://divineangelnumbers.com/white-butterfly-meaning

3. So, I guess I need to clarify something from last weeks Antics. The Spider killing. Yes, I know they’re good for the environment. Yes, I know that they make the world a better place. But let me tell you this – they are not doing anyone any bit of good hanging out in someone’s shower or attempting to weave their intricate webs so they land on your shoulder as this one attempted in exhibit 3, Just saying. Unless they are helping me out by catching those jackass flies I mentioned in #1, my normal catch and release mentality goes out the window. If it’s the middle of the night, and said spider finds itself hanging around causing problems it will be dealt with as I see most fit – this generally involves a shoe and a paper towel. Exhibit 3, the not so innocent spider making its way from the tree out front of my house in attempts to attack me - not the best photo and blurry because it was that close to me. Giant spider? Tarantula? Pre historic Pterodactyl? You be the judge... Sorry Jimmy Donahue, I will strive to be a better person...

4. Al ... “ I vacuumed the house and folded the laundry…”

Meri ... “ nobody cares…”

5. Big news people, it finally happened, I broke the shredder. So for those of you who may not be aware, apparently they mean it when the instructions happen to mention not to overstuff the thing. One would think for all the things I’ve accidentally shredded in the past 18 months, the shredder would’ve shown a little bit of loyalty and cut me some slack. Apparently it doesn’t work that way.

6. I went to my nephews football game last Friday night. Despite knowing his jersey number, I was having trouble seeing him on the field. Kiley says, Brycey – Pooh is the one with my Mother’s dish towel hanging out of the back of his pants...that’s twin love right there, never misses a chance at a dig...

Exhibit 4, photo evidence of the dishcloth in question swiped from his Mothers kitchen...

7. I was called very rude last week kids, imagine that? All while trying to help my client. If others did their jobs and did them efficiently to begin with, you wouldn’t have to hit rock bottom and get stuck with me, so take that Doctor so-and-so. I hope you have a long fabulous illustrious career – try not to kill too many people.

*** Update – I’m happy to say to the Doctor whose name shall not be mentioned, I was right, so take THAT - and my guy remained hospitalized. Apparently this MD must’ve skipped class the day they were teaching compassion and common decency. All you MD’s out there, for the love of all that’s holy, please start listening to your Social Workers – we may not have gone to medical school but we know stuff. And I know you're all stressed and overworked, but so are we, so let's play nice and work together...

8. Bats – Before any of you start complaining about going back in to your offices, the changes in office space, having to adjust your schedules now that we're back to being unable to be together in shared work spaces, feast your eyes on this. It could be worse people, you could be sharing your work space with this free loading Dracula wanna - be in Exhibit 5. No thank you. This fine specimen of creepiness and Helens worst nightmare can be found in an office building that is located within the limits of our fine city. I have to protect my sources people, you'll have to figure this one out on your own. All I know is you bet your ass I would've beat feet it right out of there in 2.2 seconds and never looked back - sorry Joe Burns, everyone for themselves.

9. My Public service announcement for the week…if you continue to hang anything and everything from the hooks on the inside of your closet door, it will eventually fall off the hinges making for a very disgruntled husband/handyman - you have been warned. Exhibit 6 if you look close you'll see Pot Belly Pig Dog hiding in the closet. It thundered this week kids, where else would she be? And go ahead and judge me for the conditions of my closet Phil - maybe I keep it like this so that Pot Belly has a place to burrow in her time of need to comfort herself from the many thunderstorms we've had in recent months.

10. Should the above occur, it’s recommended that you not critique your husband who is now saddled with the task of fixing the door. Perhaps you should not put in your two cents about his yelling at the Patriots on t.v. , letting him know they can’t hear him just in case he’s not aware of that. Also, you may not want to suggest he write Bill Belichick a letter with all of his comments and words of advice on how to run his team. Furthermore, I would suggest you not mention that if he knew what he was talking about perhaps he’d be on the Patriots pay roll, or at minimum, be Bill's free lance play consultant. Not that I would do or say any of this ever, but still, something to think about.

11. And last but not least, never mess with a mans Jell-o, or more specifically, Pa's Jell-o just don't do it - It won't end well for anyone.

Have a great week!