Your Weekly Antics - The First Antics of the New Year Edition...1-6-2022

Happy New Year people, or not, you decide. In this very first week of January 2022 things are happening, if you can’t keep up, I don’t know what to tell you. We got big news this week kids…BIG NEWS…so look alive. And please remember…Saturday is January the 8th...Elvis’s Birthday… Here’s what I’ve got…

1. It was a cold and dreary Tuesday morning - 11:11am Tuesday January 4th to be exact. This is not to be confused with, As the snow flies on a cold and gray Chicago morning…the lyrics from Elvis Presley’s 1969 song The Ghetto, originally entitled "The Vicious Circle"(you’re welcome Kolby Miller favorite oldest niece of mine…) I got the call. The dreaded call we all knew was coming. It was actually a teams call, or skype, or zoom or whatever the hell you call it from none other than Mary Parenteau. I initially thought, well todays the day, I’m either getting the can or my funding's run out and I’m being shown the door. Instead, the news was worse…Parenteau is hanging it up. She’s retiring. God help me as she has single handedly kept me gainfully employed for the past 27, soon to be 28 years and apparently retirement is not a package deal - therefore I will continue to do the work of the people, doing my best to ruin lives one day at a time, alone, through my tears, from now until July 1st.

2. Word on the street is that the next chosen one… and I say chosen one because who wouldn’t want to work with our phenomenal team… will also be assigned the daunting task of supervising me. Now don’t panic, you will all be given the opportunity to present your plan of action - to me - on how you plan to keep me funded and employed for the next decade. This will happen during my personal prescreening process outside in the parking lot in the visitor parking spot right outside the agencies entrance. No, I’m not picking the visitor parking spot to make it more convenient for you, I’m doing so because I know it’s against the rules and it will annoy Amy Bullett...this will be just a mere glimpse of what your next decade or more will be like taking on the likes of me. Don’t worry though, if I don’t like the looks of you or your ideas I’ll cut you loose right out of the gate and you won’t have to bother completing your formal application. This is not suspect at all, of course this is all going to be on the up - and - up. What can I say? I’m a giver. Exhibit 1 - Speaking of being a giver, this is Kolby at Quinn's doing the work of the people. Go on up and visit, tell her I sent you.

3. My Inner Ostrich…the great Laura Leblanc dubbed this phrase and I interpret it as such… “ When one prefers to ignore reality and pretend things aren’t happening…”

I’m all in, sign me up. This phenomenon is due to that mentioned in #1 .

4. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Parenteau announced her retirement, the universe also had to mess with us and determined that we, the people, no longer deserve Betty White. This has sent a ripple through the universe people - RIP Betty.

5. There’s still a chance that Mary may follow in the footsteps of our one and only Leah Hazard who retired, then came back, then retired, then came back, then said she’d never come back and came back again… Exhibit 2 I'd like to formally thank Laura and Mary for putting this stupid song in my head.

6. Seeing as we’re all kind of taking a few steps back with this virus, who does not deserve to be spoken of, it got me thinking about bears. I think that bears are far smarter and intuitive than given credit for. Let’s take for example, hibernation. If we all hibernated from now until spring we wouldn’t have to worry about masks and testing and social distancing. We wouldn’t have to keep up with the daily changes in rules and protocol and concerns. We’d eat. We’d sleep. We’d stay in. We wouldn’t have to talk to people. Now that I’m writing this that pretty much sums up the past two years though, doesn’t it? Check out Yellowstone’s 5 Fun Facts about Bear Hibernation here…

https://www.yellowstone.org/bear-hibernation-5-fun-facts/

7. Apple watch, I- watch, whatever you call it…let me tell you something. I don’t need anyone or anything else in my life that thinks they can bully me. I was gifted said item for Christmas this year, very fancy and lots of things it can do. What I don’t need it to do is tell me to work out or what my heart rate is, I’ve got enough to worry about. You wanna tell me how I can make a quick million? I’m all ears, other than that, I don’t want to hear it. Clearly this thing needs to get to know me - listen up watch, you’re not the boss of me.

8. You’d never see a bear with an apple watch unless of course he accidentally ate it. Just saying. Again...fat, happy, lazy, gets to lie around until it’s nice out without judgement from others or some high- tech watch - doesn’t have to shower or clean or cook or forage for food. He’s got it going on. Find a cave and be like bears people. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

9. Speaking of boss’s and bossy. If Robyn Foley wants to misspell words, for crying out loud, let her do it. This is America people, not a country where one should be persecuted for the occasional misspelled or misused word. Made fun of by her closest friends and co- workers, absolutely, but persecuted by strangers, absolutely not. If she wants to tell you that she through something out and was surrounded by Mormons instead of morons, so be it. Let the girl live… and not for nothing, she through a good meat raffle…keep an eye out. If all goes well there should be another one in the spring. Exhibit 3 Robyn and her dog. Take caution should you choose to police her grammar, her dog does not appreciate it.

10. America’s Guest…here’s a term I haven’t heard in a while - in so long in fact that Helen H. Bibeau had to clarify its meaning for me. Urban dictionary defines it as such… To freeload or bum off of friends, with the assumption that you never have to carry any form of payment again, ever. Here’s what I’ll tell you…Sue Miller has America’s guest living in her basement and it’s in the form of a woodland creature. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to get gone hopefully by the time this weeks Antics are out. Hit the bricks buddy. I’m not playing. I’m jaded, bitter, still detoxing from the cheese and chocolate I ate over Christmas, and being harassed by this stupid watch. I don't have time for you or your foolishness. You have broken in to Sue Millers bag of potatoes one too many times, now I’m coming for you….

11. And last but not least…Get in line, everyone’s got a story…words to live by. If you’re going to exploit me and my good nature you better do it sparingly and it better be worth it. If you’re whining because you didn’t take the free cab I set up for you and did not exploit it wisely, that’s on you. Maybe next time instead of using it to get to the Package store, you’ll think first and play the long game - maybe use it to go to the bank, as it was intended, set up your direct deposit, get yourself a debit card, then you can use that debit card to order yourself your booze and your butts over the phone and get that stuff delivered to your door. Come on, be smarter than that.

That's all I've got...Elvis has left the building...have a great weekend!!!