Your Weekly Antics The 1st Full Moon of 2022 & Living It Up At Wegmans Edition...1-13-2022

Well kids, we are on the cusp of this years first full moon (1/17) and I'm here to tell you that would explain a lot, including my rantings below. Some refer to the first full moon as the Wolf Moon, the Ice Moon or even the Moon after Yule. I don't care what you call it or what anyone says, a full moon's a full moon no matter what month or season it lands in. That giant glowing object in the sky has the ability to stir up all kinds of trouble near and far when you're not paying attention and least expect it. Here at the Antics we pride ourselves in keeping our readers informed and warned of such phenomenon so you're aware, ready and prepared to keep your tempers in these trying times, in check. So before you make any hasty decisions or throw your lawn chair through the windshield of the person who stole your parking spot on one of our snowy overcrowded poorly plowed and sanded side streets, take a deep breath, relax a bit and ask yourself, what would Jesus do? Would Jesus lose his cool and huck that old broken kitchen chair through that windshield, or would he drive away and wish peace and love upon that bastard who stole your spot? And then, please let me know how that worked out for you. Don't get locked up. Here's what I've got...

1. For those of you who know me, you know that I hate to shop. I hate stores. This goes for clothes shopping, car shopping, grocery shopping, the pharmacy, you name it. I have no use for it. Why bother when one can purchase literally everything you could possibly need on- line. Despite all that, I agreed to join my family on their trip to the Natick Mall. They looked at me funny, assuming I was concussed or temporarily lost my mind and would eventually come to my senses, the latter of which I did. We park and end up entering the mall through the Wegmans entrance. Meandering through Wegmans eventually reaching our final destination, the mall and its stores, I snapped out of it. Whatever temporary hex I was under was lifted and I got myself together. There was absolutely no reason at all that required me to participate in this foolishness called shopping and I decided no way, I’m not doing it. You people go about your business without me. See ya latahhhhhh - come get me on your way out when you’re done.

2. I send them on their way and happily return to Wegmans to get myself a coffee, that I didn’t need by the way. While in line, I’m looking around checking things out and GET THIS…they offer draft beers of all varieties in this café that one can purchase and enjoy in the Wegmans seating area. Do people legally drink and grocery shop? Is this a new phenomenon? Who knew…No fun to drink alone, therefore me and my coffee found ourselves a place to sit and people watched while waiting for the fools I arrived there with to come back to retrieve me. Exhibit 1 The Buzz - organic coffee, not beer, served at Wegmans.

3. I’m alone with my thoughts, which is always dangerous…I get to thinking. It’s a dam good thing a place like Wegmans with their fancy draft beers didn’t exist in the early 90’s or I may have ended up at Betty Ford. Then I decide, perhaps Wegmans can be a retirement destination. Rent myself a big ass apartment that’s located above Wegmans in some warm climate somewhere preferably near a beach. I can walk about the mall in the AC on days when it’s hot or power up my scooter and tool around in that. Helen will have moved with us too, so she can run her gym work outs for those who feel a walk in the mall just isn't doing it for them, in one of the many oversized walkways found in the mall. I can peruse the Wegmans aisles when I want a snack because you know dam well I’m still going to have my groceries delivered, I don’t care if they’re located directly downstairs below my apartment or not...and I can pop in for some cheese and crackers while I wait in line for my cool and refreshing draft beer. This could be a new more affordable assisted living type arrangement. If you’re low on cash and need to supplement your social security income, get yourself a part time job in the wine & cheese department…that’s Colleen B. Mahoney’s plan and I’m all for it…I bet you could also score yourself some free samples. Amy & Diane, this could be our new and revised group living arrangement.

Side note...According to Wegmans official site, they have locations in New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, and North Carolina. I'm sure you can find yourselves a sunny beachside retirement destination in Maryland, Virginia or North Carolina that has a Wegmans location where you can take up residence. Exhibit 2 Wegmans Pub...yup, it's a thing...

4. Or…if you’re feeling super stealthy and not quite ready to commit, most of these malls have mattress stores in them. You can hide out, get your snacks and your last draft beer before the café closes up, hop on your scooter and then head down to Mattress Warehouse or whatever, sneak around til it closes, find the mattress of your dreams for the night, and sleep there. You’ll be retired by then, not necessarily elderly because 65 is now the new 50 and God knows you’ll be up at o-dark-hundred anyway, because anyone over 65, retired, and/or elderly doesn’t sleep past 6am - you’ll be up and outta there before the mall opens. No one will be the wiser.

Exhibit 3 Mattress Store Sleep Number located at the Natick Mall - it also has a 5 star rating according to google who as we all know, knows everything...

5. Okay, so I’m sure you’re all thinking, hmmm, what about security and security cameras? I’ve thought of that too. We’ve all watched enough movies to know that we can easily tamper with the security cameras so that the video at the mattress place plays on a loop. Seeing as I can‘t even remember my daily passwords to log on to the computer I use every single day to do my actual work, I have no faith in myself to pull this off on my own. Therefore, if all else fails, which it will, I have a back-up plan. I’ll be calling my computer savvy friend Matt Noponen to hook me up so no one will be the wiser that I’ve taken up residence in the super plush king sized mattress section of said mattress store in the mall. I’ll be catching my 8 hours of zzz’s because whoever's watching will be looking at noon time on that camera all night long. No way anyone will be able to tell the difference because there’s no natural light in those stores. It looks like noon time 24 hours a day. I'll also have Billy, Angel and Walter to consult with...they'll be looking for a side hussle by then, so it's a win win.

6. Bathrooms…I’ve got that covered too… If you’ve been to the Wegmans in the Natick Mall they have these Jetson – type new age no touch doodad type sinks. There’s a metal bar that has the soap, water and hand dryer all in one. Very fancy. It does however, go against anything that we’ve been taught about keeping the hair dryer, or in this case hand dryer, away from running water so that you don’t electrocute yourself, but who am I to question science and engineering and whoever else was responsible for such fancy bathroom equipment. This contraption will work in a pinch until you’ve decided to commit to more permanent accommodations. Showering you ask? By the time I retire, there’ll probably be some contraption invented that will convert that sink in to a shower in no time. Be patient people, it’s coming. Better yet, to prepare for this way of living, hit up a camping section in your local Dick's or Wal Mart and buy yourself a camping shower that can attach to those sinks, you can come up with something that works effectively and efficiently if this is truly bothersome to you. But, let’s face it, you’ll be driving your scooter around all the time, how often will you really need to shower anyway? Think of this as doing your small part to save the environment and conserve water. Exhibit 4 Fancy Wegmans bathroom

7. Health Care…Wegmans has a Pharmacy and offers vaccines, and did so even prior to the Pandemic. You want your flu shot? Get it at Wegmans. Shingles shot? Wegmans again. COVID booster? You guessed it, Wegmans. In a pinch the pharmacist can point you in the direction of the appropriate over the counter med in addition to refilling your prescriptions. We’re all still doing telehealth visits anyway, so no need to even run to the Doctors office. Buy yourself your own automatic blood pressure cuff and you’ve got that covered too. If you care about your weight at that point in your life and feel you’ve been consuming too much beer and cheese and wine and chips, grab yourself a scale, again, in the medical equipment aisle at Wegmans. They’ve got it all.

8. Pets…you know I’ll still have a dog. If I decide to do things on the up-and-up and actually rent one of those fancy apartments above Wegmans I’ll register that mutt as a comfort animal. Or, perhaps to keep my mind sharp and fine-tuned my dog and I will fly under the radar and have a little fun, messing with building management. And this will be a big dog too, not one of those little purse dogs, just to keep it interesting. When asked by management if I have an animal living with me I’ll say, dog? What dog? I will access any and all stories that were told to me by my clients over the years while working at ESW who refused to admit they had a dog or a cat or a squirrel or a ferret or what have you, without consent, living with them in elder housing. And of course all food, toys, leashes, bowls, beds, etc. can all be purchased at, you guessed it – Wegmans. And if you're worried how I'll access veterinary care for my dog, I have Liz who will provide me with all of my veterinary needs. I have it all figured out. Exhibit 5. Ruby Bullett

9. Television. Does anyone watch regular television anymore? By the time these grand plans of mine come to fruition, I’ll have given up on T.V. all together because there’s nothing on TV anymore anyway. I’ll finally have given in and gotten on board with what kids all across the globe are doing and that is watching everything on line, on their phones, tablet, streaming, whatever the hell they call it and by then I'm sure it will be the norm more so than it is now. I'll be able to watch all my shows and programs on my phone or on any one of the devices I've mentioned thus far. No need to watch the news, it’s too dam depressing and with all our apps and internet, we don't need the news for the weather anymore either. By then I'll be retired and living in Wegmans in the mall so will it really matter what the weather is outside? I'll have nowhere I have to be so every day will be a good day no matter what that vixen Mother Nature brings. Exhibit 5 all the reasons why we can live without a TV

https://medium.com/be-open/10-reasons-you-dont-need-a-tv-anymore-b33cc268aa6

10. Entertainment…We’ve covered booze, appetizers, entrees, exercise and leisure time, transportation (scooter), bathroom breaks, health care, pets and sleeping accommodations. Let me be the first to tell you that the Wegmans at the Natick Mall also has a great music selection. While waiting for the Kap kids to finish up their shopping, sipping my java and considering all of the above, I was listening to some fabulous 80’s tunes being piped in over the airwaves. First I was enjoying a little If You Leave by Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, that was soon followed by Prince’s Raspberry Beret. I look up and there’s the middle Kap kid dancing on the escalator. I knew that pulling over and kicking all three Kap kids out of my car forcing them to walk home on April 21, 2016 would stick with them and eventually pay off. That day would be the first and last time they would mock me for being upset over the untimely demise of Prince. And before you get all uppity about this, they were 16, 14 and 8. One, I didn’t leave the youngest Kap kid alone, she was with her older capable siblings, and two, let’s face it, Meri has been 100 years old since the day she was born. AND guess what? They found their way home. That escalator moment was a parenting win...I can't be that bad. #PRINCE4EVA

11. And last but not least, think ahead people. Get your besties together and come up with your plan. And as the battle cry of the girls of The First Weekend in March Forever state … YO - %$#%^&* - LO… You only live %^&*$#@ once, so you better make it good.

Have a great weekend!