Your Weekly Antics Thanksgiving Day Edition...11-25-2021

Well kids, once upon a time we waited in anticipation for the Thanksgiving Day Edition of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, so you could peruse through the ads and plan your retail assault to kick off your Christmas shopping, but times have changed – now you all sit at the edges of your seats waiting for the Thanksgiving day Edition of the Weekly Antics, admit it…well it’s finally here. If you left your homes on Tuesday or Wednesday to head to your Thanksgiving destination, there’s a good chance you’re still in your car and stuck in traffic. I’m sorry I didn’t have the audio version of the Antics up and ready for you to listen to while driving home this holiday, there’s always next year. If you're stuck in traffic and bored, gimme a call...I'll read them to you. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. The Prodigal Son. Okay, let’s not discriminate, the Prodigal children. If you have siblings, you all know what I’m talking about, and this fact is at the forefront when the holidays start rolling around and the Prodigal children begin to make their way home for the Holidays. For those of you disgruntled siblings whose lives are about to be upheaved when the apple of your parents eye makes their presence known, buckle up, you have 6 weeks of this nonsense, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and usually by the time New Years rolls around one would think the newness of the Prodigal childs return has worn off, but not entirely, let’s not fool ourselves. And just to be clear, one does not outgrow this role. There are plenty of 40, 50 and even 60 something year old Prodigal children out there, you know who they are…thoughout this weeks Antics you will see Exhibits of some of my favorite Prodigal children…

2. Should you be seated next to the Prodigal child during todays Turkey Day feast, you may be able to get away with flinging mashed potatoes in their general direction and then blaming a younger sibling, a cousin or even an elderly relative for this act. Just a slight flip of the wrist will get the job done. I've included the elderly in this one because who in their right mind is going to yell at or correct Pa or Sue Miller if either are caught throwing food across the room? This doesn’t matter how old you are – young or old, although frowned upon, throwing food at and across the table is very satisfying. So position yourself next to or near the person who will be your best bet to place blame for this act and try it. I would never steer you wrong.

3. Crazy relatives, we all have them, or you may just be that nut we all speak about. I’m not afraid to admit that I may be the family nut, who knows – my family just knows better than to voice this out in the open because they know I’ve got all sorts of dirt on them tucked away in the vault that I will have absolutely no problem unleashing on them holiday or not – you know who you are and of what I speak. Again, keep in mind kids that this time last year we were all sitting around bored eating our meals with our immediate families, those we had been forced to stay quarantined with for over a year, and at that point had run out of things to say to or about each other. And look at it this way…spending time with your extended family again will only give you more material to talk about between now and Christmas. Think about that for a minute, genius right? You're welcome.

4. Friendsgiving – this new age gathering of friends you’d prefer to spend the holidays with instead of your family. Listen up kids, we serve plenty of booze at our family gatherings too, so suck it up, I don’t know what you’re complaining about or why you think you can’t make it through a 3-4 hour time span with those you are biologically related to – get it together. You can drink your way through the holidays with your families same as with your friends. Seriously, have I taught you nothing???

5. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If you can survive a large Irish family gathering, you can survive anything. Is it too loud? Too bad. Did you have to fight your way to the table? Sure you did, suck it up. Did you go hungry? Absolutely not. Did you have to listen to the same stories over and over again? Probably. Are you 50 years old and still eating at the kids table? Again, quit your whining, it’s more fun at that table anyway. If you play your cards right you'll be able to live out your entire Thanksgiving existence at that table, being begged to stay put and out of the way - you won't have to lift a finger. Trust me on this - it's a win win.

6. Do yourselves a favor, do not talk politics or religion at the dinner table. This is just common sense and if you don’t know better than to keep your mouth shut, I don’t know what to tell you. Again, I thought I taught you all better than that. It’s one meal people, get it together.

7. You don’t like the way the napkins are folded, do it your dam self. Taylor and I are putting our foot down this year - You’re not the boss of us – said no one to Terry, EVER Or....maybe Taylor and I will up our game this year and really mess with people and come up with something like this. Check out this Exhibit ...fancy napkins. This has Pinterest fail written all over it...

8. Beet update – I got a text from Beet earlier this week letting me know where she’s gonna land for her Turkey Day meal. She's informed me that she’ll be having roadkill casserole and moonshine for Thanksgiving while visiting friends in Little Rock Arkansas. I was sure to text her my recipe for Potato Au Naturale in case she’d like to add that to the delicacies being served. Now that I mention it, she hasn't sent me any pictures she's retrieved when out and about walking her neighborhood lately...Beet, get on it - we need photo evidence of your holiday shenanigans.

9. Butter. Get a load of this exhibit. That’s right, you should all be jealous. This is a much sought after addition to any Thanksgiving day table and is what makes our traditional Turkey day complete. You know you all wish you had this as the centerpiece of your table, because who wouldn’t want turkey shaped butter staring dead at you while you’re scooping up your squash. Not only is it a functional and delicious addition to your meal, but it makes the flinging of that spoon full of mashed potatoes all that more satisfying when you can do so with the lopped off turkey butter head strategically placed on that spoon. Who needs a centerpiece of flowers or a bread cornucopia full of veggies when you can have Turkey shaped butter? Admit it, you're all wishing you had the inside scoop of where to find such a thing to add to your festive holiday table next year. Sorry, it's top secret...Maryellen Moore....

10. What would the Thanksgiving day Edition of The Antics be without a Dad joke? Anyone remember Carl the dog who lives on my street? The middle kid has taken on the role of Carl’s dog walker, taking him on his daily stroll. As one would imagine, the middle kids dog Harley is not impressed with this arrangement and has been giving Reaghan the cold shoulder. Al has decided to take this one step further and feels we should have t-shirts made up that say, Walk Harl, not Carl. It’s safe to say that the youngest Kap kid has not left her room since this statement was made because she feels that Al has hit rock bottom. Another exhibit for you - Middle kid walking Carl, not Harl.

11. And last but not least, count your blessings kids. Those crazy relatives who make you nuts at the holidays every year… take it in stride. Remember, the more time you spend with these people the more material you’ll have to use against them at Christmas or at a later date. And, if the last year hasn't taught us anything, I hope that it's taught us that we never know what lies ahead so we best embrace the time we have to spend with each other while it's right in front of us. These are your people and you’re dam lucky to have them - with all their quirks, repeat stories and corny jokes, their bizarre dishes and personalities that they bring to the table - many out there have no one and may be alone today and many days, so don’t be a jerk. Be tolerant. Be patient. Be kind. Not just today, but every day.

Happy Thanksgiving! 🍁 🦃