Your Weekly Antics - Sifted Onion Dip and The Onions Cousin Edition 9-23-2021

Well kids, last Friday night we ushered in Septembers full moon with a Surprise 50th Birthday Celebration for none other than the infamous Helen H. Bibeau. Helen is the sister, cousin, oldest friend, Coach, Aunt, Trainer, Godmother, honorary Aunt to all of our children, partner in crime, partaker of all shenanigans, mentor to so many, and the best friend of many of us who have been fortunate enough to grow up with her and despite knowing all our secrets, she’s kept us around. We are all a lucky bunch and far better people for knowing her - to continue her Birthday month and the celebration of her 50th trip around the sun, I’m going to share with you some of the best things HB that are too good to keep to myself in addition to my usual nonsense...Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Onions. Onions and any relation to the onion are not a friend of Helens. It doesn’t matter if it’s a white onion, yellow onion or purple onion, an onion’s an onion. She will sniff out any onion or onion derived product in a prepared dish no matter how you may try to disguise it. Trust me on this, I’ve foolishly and unsuccessfully attempted this and have failed. No one anywhere can make any part of an onion small enough for it to be undetectable to Helen H. Bibeau. This also applies to scallions who according to Helen, is the onions cousin.

2. Onion Dip. Helen loves onion dip and this is one of the many staples she will bring to any party or gathering. Now one would think if she hates the onion and any of the onions relations how and why would she be the maker and transporter of onion dip to such events. Well people I’m here to tell you she sifts it. She sifts the onions right out of that dip each and every time - that’s how she gets it done. Ask Bryce, he’ll confirm this fact - True story.

3. Spanks. For you regular readers out there you’ll remember the Edition that I wrote about Helens closet and the amount of clothes she has that actually broke the closet rod thing-ie that you hang your clothes on. Well, because she is the keeper of all fancy clothes, of course when her Aunt was in need of an outfit, she went to Helen. In addition to helping her Aunt Henrietta pick out the perfect attire for her event, she introduced her to Spanks. For you men or non fancy dresser uppers out there, Spanks are a fashionistas’ magic, the keeper of all things, the manager of unruly areas that one would like flattened out and remain hidden beneath your fancy clothes. In short, as Helen put it, Spanks are a commitment because once you’re in them, you’re in for the duration of your event. Once you pull them up to your armpits they're too dam hard to take off for such mundane things as using the bathroom. Once they’re on, they’re on and you’re in it to win it. You better be good and dehydrated or you're gonna have a long night.

4. Helen like Reaghan, is the middle kid. The youngest Kap kid is now at Doherty so naturally will run in to some of the same teachers that her older Brother and Sister had, and with a last name like ours, it’s impossible for this relation to go undetected. Youngest Kap kid mentioned a few teachers that she has this year who have asked her if she was Sam’s younger sister and if so, to pass along their hello’s. Reaghan was quick to point out that even in regards to school she suffers the plight of the forgotten middle child - she too had these same teachers and not one of them seems to have made the connection or has asked if she was Meri’s relative. #theforgottenmiddlechildeverywhereshegoes

5. Speaking of middle kids...today is one of my favorite sort- of- middle- kids Birthdays... Taylor McGrail - my partner in crime who I dragged around with me every day early pandemic delivering home delivered meals to the elderly citizens of our fine city. She ran up those three deckers without complaint even when she was being recorded and timed, managed the horrific smells of brussell sprout and fish day with a smile, and assisted in harassing Allen and Jim in the Nutrition department when it was hot dog and beans day just because it was fun. She even made 3rd floor Joan happy which is quite the feat because I'm pretty sure Joan hasn't cracked a smile since the late 60's. So if any of our Main South hoodlums and hangers - of -corners that we met and delivered meals are readers and just so happen to be out and about this morning, please crack open a luke warm Natty Daddy in honor of Taylors Birthday and for always being willing to come along with me for the ride. Poor kid never knows where she's gonna end up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR ROSE!!! Please see exhibits 1, 2 & 3. Just a bit of a recap of Taylors Home Delivered Meal adventures...

6. Spiders – spiders are another of Helens least favorite things and may find themselves listed second in line after bats, as her most despised creatures who manage to torture her on the regular. Any spider who’s stupid enough to cross Helens path will find itself squashed. Not by her, but by one of her closest friends who gets that call of distress in the middle of the night.

7. Bats – I hate to mention them because they are the worst most dreaded creature on Helen’s short list of living creatures she dislikes. Should one show itself at Helens cozy abode she’ll tell me I jinxed her for not only speaking of them but worse, for documenting their presence in writing. Despite what she does and any action she’s taken over the years to bat proof her house, one stray bat always manages to breech the perimeter and make its way into Helens home. This is why we all keep baseball and softball bats, the occasional hockey stick or tennis racket, catchers helmet with facemask, baseball or softball gloves, brooms and oven mitts at the ready. Yes, we follow all the protected species rules and the laws protecting bats, however, we will take any means available to us to safely chorale and remove a bat from her house that threatens the well being of HB. You don’t ask questions, you just do it - please note, no bat has ever been harmed during one of these extractions and relocations - we're not criminals, give us some credit…

8. Spiders and bats and mice do not discriminate. They don’t care if you’re rich or you’re poor. If you are a neat freak or never clean at all. They don’t care if your house smells good or smells bad and will invite themselves into your home no matter the pains you take to keep your home clean to the point of chronically disinfected. This would be Helen. Helen has the cleanest nicest smelling home of anyone we know. She’s got candles and matches to be lit if there’s the slightest odor that may offend your senses and she washes and scrubs until things shine - as Kiley put it, she scrubs and rinses that sink until all the water and suds are gone and the sink dried out leaving no evidence of ever being used. Exhibit 4 the cleanest kitchen sink you'll ever find.

9. Keys. Most of her closest friends have keys to her house. Not because she gets locked out, but we may get the occasional call or text asking if we can check to make sure she unplugged her iron, turned off her stove, or needs an elderly deceased cat removed from her yard. Here’s where I should mention that Helen doesn’t have a cat, never has had a cat, doesn't plan on every getting a cat, but that didn’t stop said cat from making Helens backyard it’s final resting place. I speak the truth people, I wouldn’t lie or speak ill of the dead... people yes, animals no.

10. Keys again - another reason we all need keys is when one needs to gain access to Helens home during a spider or bat invasion, there is no way in hell Helen’s leaving her bedroom to let you in. You best use that key to gain access to her house, remove your shoes, and then kill or remove whatever has found itself in her house, secure the premises and then when vacating, lock up behind yourself.

11. And last but not least, if you’re on someones short list of people who gets that call in the middle of the night to assist with bats or spiders or squirrels - or because the caller stayed up too late watching scary movies or some especially gruesome 48 Hours episode - or she's just calling to check in and see how you’re doing or to make a last minute plan that is always something epic - you are lucky beyond lucky and should consider yourself a fortunate being. Count your blessings people - friends and family like these are a gift. Happy Birthday HB!!! Happy Birthday Taylor Rose!

Have a great weekend!