Your Weekly Antics Keep Your Clothes on Edition...10-21-21

Well kids - we are well in to the throws of October and have another full moon upon us, the Hunter's Moon for anyone who cares. Air‘s crisp, sun shining, people are out and about doing all things fall-like while sipping their pumpkin spice latte's or whatever the case may be. You've picked your apples. You've been yard-sale-ing, craft fair going, leaf peeping, driving up and down and all around and doing all your fun fall outdoor activities. While doing so, you may need to stop and use a public bathroom. Well people, I'm happy to know some of you actually read The Antics, but then some of you send me video proof which is even better... and as much as you'd love to know who sent me this tid-bit, I can't reveal my sources. For you loyal readers, please see Exhibit 1 - please note, that the ripper of paper towels is not following directions, as he/she is only using one hand, and the ripper is abusing the good stuff - Scotts - not even the generic sandpaper type paper towels which makes this video all the sweeter… Here's what I've got...

1. We tolerate a lot doing home visits in the community and I personally don’t think loo it’s a lot to ask for our clients to keep their dam clothes on. I don’t get paid enough to see certain things and I’ve been told it’s medically not wise to try to bleach your own eye balls in attempts to un see things. If I wanted to see naked people, I would’ve gone to medical school or joined a nudist colony. There’s a lot to be said for keeping the areas of your body covered that only God should know about. While out doing the work of the people I was greeted at the door by a naked 85 year old man. Not because he was confused and didn’t know any better, he just prefers to be nude. He invited me in while wearing what God gave him and said, should I put some pants on before you come in? My response … “Yes, that would be a great idea…” and then I thanked him, because if you think about it, it was his house so who am I to tell him he should get dressed?

2. Does anyone else have a kid or kids who abuse the disposable water bottle? The youngest Kap kid is a direct violator. Not only does she leave them all over the Kia, but 9 times out of 10 they’re half full or half empty, however you want to look at it. And I take that back, it’s not just the disposable water bottles, it’s all water bottles…there are plenty of those, now full of mold, rolling around back there making the Kia sound like I’ve got bodies or who knows what hiding in the back. So I get home, pull into the driveway and decided I’d had it, I’ll buckle and will clean out the van. After struggling to get as many bottles as I could in my arms because it would’ve been far too easy to go inside and grab a trash bag first, I think to myself, why am I taking all these bottles out of the van? I dropped them all on to the passenger side seat determining I’d send the youngest kid out to retrieve them because we all know each and every one of them had belonged to her at one time or another.

Side note - I forgot to send the kid out to clean up the mess. Al used the van the next day. He thanked me for leaving the trash can on wheels at his disposal. His OCD self couldn’t handle having the trash sitting beside him on his drive to work so he cleaned it out. Another win for the youngest Kap kid. Meri somewhere near 100 by now, Al 0.

3. Speaking of naked…my kids ( okay, middle kid…) - always harassing me about getting tattoos – not for me, for her. Listen, I’m not going to judge, I’ve seen plenty of really cool tattoos, they’re just not for me. I always tell my kids, it’s your body, do what you want, but lemme tell you this. I’ve seen a lot of 80, 90 and even 100 year old bodies in my day and I’ll tell you what… 1. You better think long and hard about where you’re having your new ink placed, and 2, I suggest that you take careful consideration of what that particular part of your body will look like in 20, 30, 40 or more years. You may be cute and adorable and in shape now, but after life hands you whatever it has to offer, such as child birth and menopause, a Dad bod or a beer belly, you better make sure that part of your body is going to remain the same shape, size and in the same place as it was when you had it tatted up. Once a tiny sparrow when you’re 20 may turn in to an Ostrich or some prehistoric looking type bird by the time you’re 60…just saying. Father time and gravity aren’t friends people, keep that in mind.

4. Softball. Yes I’m aware that it’s only October but Coach Matt never rests. Meri was chill – axing on the couch the other night when the Team App alert sounded on my phone and Meri’s softball and Coach Matt induced PTSD kicked in. Before the alert sound was even finished, she said, “ Oh noooooooooo….” Poor Coach Matt, so misunderstood. As a Parent I’m thinking I really should figure out a way to harness that alert and the effect it has on her. Sort of like Pavlov’s Dog. Maybe rig something up so that when the alert sounds Meri will automatically put her dishes in the dishwasher or take all of her crap out of the van.

5. Sue Miller update. She’s made two batches of cookies and zucchini bread for her buddies Walter and Angel recently. I failed in my delivery duties and didn’t deliver them in a timely manner therefore, the zucchini bread got eaten, but I smartened up and put their cookies in the freezer. Listen up, I’m not Uber Eats, I don’t have any ratings or satisfaction stars next to my name, and I do what I can do. It’s not always easy to track those two fools down when they’re out and about trying to improve the lives of those less fortunate. Walter informed me that my inability to deliver the goods to them in a reasonable amount of time is reflecting poorly on them and not keeping them in Sue Millers good graces. Well welcome to the club. He admitted it people, he’s afraid of all 5 feet of my Mother - get in line Duffy, you’re not the only one.

6. Dead fish water. I’m not a fan. I went to Marshalls apartment to get him some more clothes and thought I’d empty the dirty water from his fishless fish tank. I should’ve known better than to attempt this because of course I ended up wearing it. I was covered in nasty ass dead fish water. Soaked to the bone and gagging from the smell I had no choice but to rummage through Marshalls clothes and find a replacement tshirt. The only thing I could find that I had any chance of fitting in to because Marshall is the size of a Smurf, was a Toronto Blue Jays shirt. I considered staying in my fish water shirt and even considered driving home shirtless but I had to stop at the grocery store and figured no need to get picked up for public indecency at Shaw’s and spend my weekend in the clink. So, on it went, despite the risk I was taking of my skin spontaneously bursting in to flames in attempts to reject and destroy the Blue Jays gear that I had to forceably put on my body. I got outside and back in my car and was heading to S&S Farms on West Boylston Street before they closed and just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to risk the chance of being seen in public in that shirt. I passed S&S and went directly to my least favorite store, Wal Mart in West Boylston where Jack McGrail hangs out, and bought myself a Red Sox tshirt. Paid for it at the self- check out. Got outside and threw that puppy on locker room style and drove home. Now, here are a few important points. This debacle all took place last Friday, just prior to game 1 of the ACLS play-off game between The Red Sox and Houston. No way in hell was I going to be caught dead in that shirt and then held personally responsible for a potential loss in that game. Yes, I understand it was a Toronto Blue Jays shirt and not a Houston shirt, but that doesn’t matter, it still wasn’t a Red Sox shirt and I’m loyal to my team. Second, Al’s favorite team is the Blue Jays and under no uncertain terms was I going to go home and let him see me wearing that shirt because I’d never live it down. Third, it was just bad karma for my team all around. For those of you fellow New Englanders and Red Sox fans, you know what I’m talking about…. *** Update – I’d like to publicly apologize to Mike Kinosian, Mike Nowicki and the middle Kap kid for jinxing the team … Laugh it up Frank Skinnnahhhhh.

7. And another thing – imagine something happened to me and I dropped dead wearing that? I could have potentially gone through all of eternity wearing a Toronto Blue Jays shirt – my ghost outfit - spending my eternal existence trying to explain myself to my dead relatives and fellow Red Sox fans how I managed to take the dirt nap sporting the Blue Jays logo… or worse, them all assuming that’s what caused my death in the first place. Ginna, Uncle Billy and Rie would be thoroughly disgusted and refuse to be seen with me -I dodged a bullet people - that could’ve been my hell.

8. Pick up and look under – words of advice given to my Brother and I from Sue Miller when we were kids. You looking for something? Move things around. Your lost item will not pop right out at you just because you’re looking for it. I’ve said these same words time and time again to my own children as well as to my husband and they still ring true. No, the last unused city trash bag has not been stolen, none of us used it just to mess with you. No, we did not hide the drill bit or whatever God forsaken tool type item you are looking for, you might have to actually look around for these things. Better yet, put things back where they belong and you wouldn’t misplace them in the first place. Words no one in my family likes to hear…you better hope I don’t find it before you do because I’ll set fire to it on the lawn just out of principle If I get to it first…

9. ” We can cripple a generation using script and stick shifts…”

Andrea Lucy Allen 10-16-21.

This my friends is the Gods honest truth. Have you left any of your kids a note written in cursive lately? Or better yet, left them any kind of note in hand writing, on paper, rather than via text? If you want to mess with them, not only leave them a hand written note, but do so in cursive. They’ll have no idea what the hell is going on, think you’ve been abducted, lost it, or all of the above.

10. Stick shifts – another fun fact. Not only do these kids not know how to drive a stick shift, but the automotive industry only continues to dumb it down for this up and coming generation. Everything is automatic, and now most cars have the push button start. Pretty soon these kids won't even know what keys are, just saying.

11. And last but not least – if you’re having a rough day stop in and see Sue Miller. She’ll offer you ice cream or peanut butter crackers or coffee or m&m’s or twizzlers or a tomato sandwich or butterscotch candies or tonic water or a bowl of American Chop Suey or some Beef Stew. According to the youngest Kap kid Grammy will tell you that a bowl of ice cream can fix anything. Go see Grammy - she’ll fix you up!

Have a great weekend!