Your Weekly Antics It's a Stick Figure Christmas Edition...12-16-2021

Well kids, we are well on our way to Christmas. The weeks have flown by and for those of you who start your Christmas shopping in July, good for you, I don’t want to hear it. In July I’m at the beach and could care less about Christmas and Santa and his merry little Elves. For the rest of you who have just started your shopping or have yet to start, you are my people. I’m not a shopper, I hate the public - especially during the holidays because people are extra mean, and if your gift can’t be ordered online, bought from a local shop or made by me with love, you’re S**T outta luck because you’re not getting it. Ask the Kap kids, they’ll tell you I speak the truth. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. What do you do when your children are all grown up, have their own lives and are too busy to get together in the same place long enough to take a Christmas card photo? You improvise. This my friends is our Christmas card this year. I present to you, the Kap Stick Figure Family Christmas card. Irish Mothers guilt at its finest…Please see Exhibit 1.

2. My second option was this – Exhibit 2 – they make me nuts but will pose for photo’s without question any time I ask. This I can deal with – individuals who will do as I ask for food, again, my kind of people, or dogs, whatever, you all know what I’m talking about…

3. Woodworking and power tools. I learned early on that I have no business operating a power tool such as a saw or anything that I could potentially dismember myself with. Therefore, I rely on Al’s assistance when I need things cut for any projects I may be attempting in order to achieve my crafting goals. I have learned the hard way to take what you get and don’t complain if the pieces aren’t cut to my exact specifications or how I want things, because if I do, he’ll belly ache about how horrible I am and how I’m never happy with anything and then he’s reluctant to help me the next time I ask. Joe-Petto next door is my back up if I need top secret adjustments to whatever Al did for me…I was making Christmas stocking hangers and I thought they looked pretty good until Meri crushed her Fathers hopes and dreams by announcing that our mantel looks like Stonehenge landed…if that wasn’t bad enough, she then asked why Al made graveyard markers for the mantel. Don’t feel bad for him, as the Father of teenage girls, one would think he’d have toughened up by now. Exhibits 3 & 4, The actual Stonehenge and Meri's version of Stonehenge. I have yet to do with them what I intended, so Stonehenge it is.

4. In addition to never touching a mans power tools, there is another unspoken rule out there in the universe that sadly not everyone is aware of. Never mess with another mans Christmas lights. There was a vandalism incident at Leaf Blowing, Snow Blowing, Joe-Petto’s house this week. Some scrooge type individual cut the wires to the outside lights on his lawn. Let me tell you this. We are a kind jovial bunch down here on the corner until someone messes with our Christmas lights. Clearly the individual responsible is not aware that Leaf Blower Joe is also referred to as Joe – Petto and has access to all sorts of dismembering power tools. And, the two of us get bored this time of year and when not busy and left to our own devices, we improvise and have been known to occasionally get ourselves in trouble. It is not beyond us to sit outside in our lawn chairs with Remy, in the bushes, with the hose, to water down the culprit should they come back. Don’t mess with the lights. We’ll find you. Exhibit 5 in the spirit of Christmas and winter, here are my snowmen and mug that Woodworking a.k.a. Joe-Petto made for me.

5. Basketball – Donuts and Doritos were the snack of choice this week people, not necessarily in that order - although those food choices don't fall within our basic food groups, they certainly aren't slowing this player - who shall not be named - down. Who’s the player with the cast iron stomach you ask? Well kids, here at the Weekly Antics we often protect the identities of our subjects, therefore, I'm not spilling it. I don't want to mention names, but her initials may or may not be MG and she may or may not be our Forward, or Point Guard, but what do I know? Her family member may or may not be in Exhibit 6. I don’t really care about what’s happening on the court, I’m more interested in what this kid is eating and why she hasn’t gotten sick – seriously, it’s a gift. Exhibit 7 - who knew there were Dorito covered donuts out there?

6. Changes in the workplace. At the risk of sounding like the old employee who is set in their ways and who is resistant to change, I’m saying it. We have new electronic time sheets. What was wrong with the old timesheets? This is just one more thing for me to screw up and our fearless Leader, Parenteau, to correct. Not because she has to, but because she takes pity on me or more importantly, my children because let’s face it, I have to get paid. I’m having flashbacks of the days when we were expected to do our monthly stats. Parenteau finally got sick of me, decided I was just making more work for her, took those stats away from me to fix them one day and never gave them back…that was back in the early 2000’s. I’m thinking if I play my cards right, she may do the same with this stupid timesheet thing. If not, I’m moving on to Amy Bullett. I’ll make her help me.

P. S. To those in charge…I like paper. I do not like change. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it and all that. Call me a dinosaur if you will, but I like what I like. I have now turned in to the employee that I made fun of 25 years ago when we were transitioning from paper files to computer files and thought, geez lady, get with the program, times are changing. Well now I’m her and I’m embracing it people. Where ever you are, I apologize Joan. Give me back the paper time sheets!!!

7. Speaking of former employees/retirees/legends…last week I got to hang out with our not so retired Leah Hazard. I roped her in to participating in a Focus group involving the launch of a new housing website. Yes, this is fact. Dam shame of it is, there is no housing in Worcester to load on to this website, but that’s another story all together. Leah and I were in the same room participating and assisting in something involving computers and the internet. No, our fearless IT guy Gavin was not present to bail us out and fix our mistakes, we were on our own. We did so without breaking anything or shutting down the world wide web all together and did so with our people. Our people being elders. The average age of the group was 85 and all were fairly computer savvy. Now that I’m saying this out loud it’s come to me that if all else fails and I can’t get this stupid timesheet thing down and can't bully my oldest, lifelong, childhood friend Amy Bullett, I can always hit up one of my new friends I made in this group…I bet 95 year old Jane would be happy to help.

8. This brings me to the housing crisis in the Woo…okay, so I got myself started on this one. There is a special place in hell being saved for the Landlords in this fine city who are taking over properties and squeezing my people out. You’ve got a sweet 93 year old woman who’s been living in your 2nd floor apartment since 1980-something…don’t be a greedy asshat and raise her rent. She was already overpaying you to live there in the first place and if you think that I think you’ve done one dam thing to that apartment to update it, then I must’ve fallen off the turnip truck or am chronically concussed. I’m not a moron, and get this – neither is she. And while we wait for your number to come up to meet your crimson demise, I will make it my life’s mission to make it as difficult to evict her as possible. The End. Good luck and Godspeed. And another thing – you suck - Merry Christmas.

9. This has been the month of flim flamming. The easiest way to get me not to help you is to lie to me. Just don’t do it. I don’t have time for the flim flamming and shmuckery so just cut to the chase and tell me the truth. I’m going to find out sooner or later and the sooner I know, the less annoyed I’ll be, trust me on this. Don't tell me your bank account was jeopardized for me to discover after hours of work I invested in your lost cause, that you jeopardized it yourself by giving your buddy doing your packy run the pin number to your debit card. You know he just got out of the clink, how did you think that was going to turn out for you? Let's review... A. don't lie to me. B. don't give out your pin number to your friend who just got out of the clink and C. make better friends you can trust to go get your booze. Now that I mention it, what kind of friend are you putting your friend in that position in the first place? He's already struggling - he needs to choose better friends too. Bottom line, make better choices people - it's that simple.

10. Harley – my three legged friend. The woodland creatures continue to mock her and now those little bastards have upped their game. Harley has spent the past few days sitting out in the front room that used to be a three season porch. There's no foundation beneath this room, just the outside, that I suppose any critter would enjoy living under - we’ve come to the conclusion that they must’ve taken up residence under there. Harley's decided they've moved in under her room and under her stairs just to make her crazy. She sits. She waits. She sniffs. She’s been clawing at that stair like she’s going to dig it up. I half expect to come home this week to my hardwood floor dismantled and replaced by a hole that leads directly to the spot these critters are inhabiting. Should that occur Harley will be living with Sue Miller, and Barhdi Palla will be called upon to fix my floors. With that said if you have any home construction needs, Barhdi's your man, give him a buzz....Barhdi Palla of K & B Construction, 508-847-5764. Tell him I sent you.

11. And last but not least here’s what I’m going to leave you with…if you’d like to stay off of Santa’s Naughty list, don’t be an asshat Landlord, don’t lie to your Social Workers, and stay off the sauce. You’ll thank me for this great advice later.

Have a great weekend!