Your Weekly Antics If it Looks Like a Duck and Acts Like a Duck, it Must be a Duck Edition...7/29/21

So I started writing up some words of wisdom as a result of some recent shmuckery and meanness I’ve seen out there in the world, but then remembered that the last time I took that approach I was getting phone calls and texts asking if I was okay and/or if I’d finally lost it. To keep things easy for you all, I’ll stick to my usual format of pointing out the stupidity that surrounds us, because let’s face it…there’s a lot of funny stuff out there that’s being overlooked. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Here’s a standard one for you – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Quit being judgey and opinionated about things that are not your business. Keep all that to yourselves, there's enough negativity out there, no one wants or needs to hear it. If you don't have something nice to say, keep your mouth shut, it's that simple. Unless you’re writing stuff down in a weekly blog in attempts to entertain your friends and co- workers - then, all bets are off.

2. Let’s revisit you can’t flim flam a flim Flammer. If you’re trying to pull one over on me, heads up, I’ve probably already pulled that line or trick myself, so I’ve got one up on you. When backed in to a corner, I am like a flim flamming bs’ing professional.

Exhibit 1, my cousins Margaret and Glenn who became Grandparents for the first time last week. I'm throwing that out there because it's pretty flippin exciting if you ask me...

3. Don’t ever say you’ve heard it all. This will come back to bite you, trust me on this. I took a report last week and one of the main concerns was the individual in question likes to collect and hoard road kill…and this person was not a taxidermist. True Story.

4. Some of you may have heard about the great corned beef incident of 1990. In attempts to prepare a scrumptious meal for Sue Miller who had worked a long day, I pulled out what I thought was a steak from the freezer, let it defrost and proceeded to marinate it in Italian dressing. Later that night I threw it on the grill where it cooked and cooked and cooked and when Sue Miller came home I told her I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t cooking. Her very calm response was, “that’s because that’s not steak – that’s a corned beef, jackass…” Could’ve been worse – if I was like the person in #3, it could’ve been anything cooking on the grill.

5. Kill with kindness – people expect that less, automatically go on the defense assuming you’re going to act like a jerk, therefore, they’re not ready for you to be kind, and don’t see you coming. In the end, that’s way more fun for you. It’s a win – win.

6. You see a mess, clean it up. Don’t just keep walking over it, around it and by it. It’s not going to pick itself up. For the love of God – clean…it…up…there is no friggin Fairy Godmother or Smurf or cleaning wizard who lives with you. Unless of course this is road kill, then you really should air on the side of caution and call the DPW. For my Worcester peeps that number is 508-929-1300 then follow the prompts.

7. Don’t argue with the Umps. Just don’t do it. You’re not going to win and then you spend the rest of the day looking like a jerk. You’ve got Coaches to question the Umps and they too should do so respectfully. (Disclaimer…this is not a dig at Coach Matt – you’re more likely to hear Coach Matt say something like, “that’s how you take it Smalls…” as our Catcher gets beamed off the head, or “that’s okay Meri, you just take your time running out there….” than you’ll ever hear him yelling at the Umps.

8. Don’t go out to Chinese food with Molly Donahue if you don’t expect to eat with nothing other than chopsticks. She doesn’t care how old you are, she’ll make you do it. Exhibit 2, Pa & Molly.

9. Comfortably humid…heard that one on a quick news break in between innings of the Red Sox / Toronto game last night. That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Comfortable and humid are two words that have absolutely no business being in the same sentence. Get it together.

10. Last week visiting one of my more noteworthy clients who hates me, I’m pretty sure says Novena’s hoping I go to meet my maker sooner than later, and may or may not have a Voodoo Doll with my name on it, decided last week I wasn’t so bad and let me in to visit her. I was feeling quite accomplished until I realized she had absolutely no idea who I was. Now before you all pass judgement, thinking to yourselves that’s terrible, the poor thing, you’re taking advantage of her confusion, lemme stop you right there. I most certainly was taking advantage of that confusion because it’s the only way I can get in there and try to help her out. She could think I’m the Queen of England for all I care, whatever gets me in the door. And that my friends is how you turn lemons in to lemonade. We’ll see how long it takes until I piss her off…If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck…

Exhibit 3, Puddles, Splish & Splash who can be followed on instagram ... @just_ducking_around

11. And last but not least, here’s my PSA for the week…If you’re going to get a name, word or phrase tattooed on your body, you better make dam sure you’ve got the spelling correct - respectful is not spelled respectfool, unless of course you're Mr. T and it would then be positioned, respect, fool. Ink is a big commitment, you don't want to have any Regerts, so be mindful of your word positioning and grammar.

Have a great weekend!