Your Weekly Antics - How to Get Uninvited to Thanksgiving Edition...11-18-2021

Well kids, we are almost at Thanksgiving...my PSA for the week leading up to Thanksgiving is this...if you continue to screw up the assigned dish you've been appointed to bring to your Host's table for the holiday, they eventually just ask you to bring the fan favorite, dinner rolls and apple cider - or nothing at all because you may or may not have forgotten to pick up the cider or bring the rolls in holiday's past. This is a skill that I have been working on for years, and can now say with confidence that I have mastered it. And because it's the season of giving, I've compiled a list of tips on how to get out of bringing food to any future Thanksgiving day gatherings...see below...

a. Make the mashed potatoes the night before. When you heat them up on the day of, put a little too much milk in them, you'll get the consistency of glue - better yet, bring potato salad with eggs in it. If you want to look 100% incompetent just throw boiled potatoes in a bowl with diced up hard boiled eggs. No mayo, no seasoning...call it Potato Salad au Naturale.

b. When assigned another favorite, celery with cream cheese and olives on top, replace the olives with hot pepper pieces. Then sit back and enjoy - the facial expressions of those indulging in this delicacy will provide you with entertainment during the commercials while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

c. Instead of using that plain scrumptious chocolate cake in that truffle of yours, mix that cake with day old coffee grounds...you know those mints that used to sit in bowls at hostess stations at restaurants? I'm sure you can find those on Amazon...throw those in there too just for good measure and to keep your relatives guessing.

d. Replace the inside of a chocolate truffle with brussel sprouts - actually, bring brussel sprouts of any kind, and insist on cooking them in your hosts kitchen. The smell alone will get you kicked out.

e. Creamed spinach, need I say more? This can be substituted for any creamed vegetable....

f. Make an apple pie and when doing so, put meat in it. Not just any meat, I'm talking hamburg, bologna, those gross precooked breakfast sausages, any kind of pork product. When someone slices in to that pie and questions you on its ingredients, tell them that you were on the fence if you should make an apple pie or a meat pie and you compromised in the most efficient way possible, and made both...in the same pie.

g. Chinese take out - go ahead, I dare you.

h. If you want to be banned from Thanksgiving all together, specifically from the McGrail's house, make Gramma Edie's sweet potato casserole recipe - Jack will banish you from ever attending a meal with him again, because according to McGrail, miniature marshmallows and pineapple have no business being in sweet potatoes - ever.

*** This list is not just Thanksgiving specific. It can be adjusted for Christmas and Easter as well.

Update...as of 11-17-2021 at 2:58pm I've been asked to bring mashed potatoes and a dessert...clearly I have not done a good enough job in years past and have my work cut out for me...I'll keep you posted. See Exhibit 1, Turkey day instructions.

Here's what I've got...

1. Forgive me if I’m a day late and a dollar short, but I've noticed several Diet Coke commercials in the past few weeks…these commercials state that one should “listen to their elders”, and “drink what your Mama gave ya…” implying that one has to be old, or over 50 to enjoy an icy cold crisp refreshing diet coke. Curiosity got the best of me so I started googling Diet Coke ads and came across an interview with a 104 year old Michigan woman who in 2018 credited her longevity to drinking one can of Diet Coke a day. Looking in to this further, I couldn't find her obituary, so maybe she's still going? Is Diet Coke really the elixir of the Gods??? That's great and all, but still, since when does one assume that if you enjoy the occasional Diet Coke that you are now old. What in the fresh hell is that all about?

2. Way to go Worcester – awesome timing in regards to the neighborhood leaf removal. Exhibit 2, the leaves that fell the day after the street sweepers and dump trucks came to remove the miniscule piles of leaves the fine residents of The Woo had raked and placed on their curbs. Clearly no one in any position of authority over such things listens, pays attention to the weather, or our weathermen who informed us weeks ago that the fall foliage season was delayed. Look up people. Are your trees still full of leaves? Mine are. This my friends may send Leaf Blower Joe and Al right over the edge.

3. Okay, for my critics out there, I’m one step ahead of you. Yes, I’d be complaining if the leaves had not been removed before our first snow fall. I admit it. But as a hearty New Englander, where would I be if I didn’t complain about the weather? With that said, anyone who lives on a corner in the last house on their street knows what happens when the snow comes before the leaves are removed. The snowplows come, plow all the snow covered leaf piles to the end of the street, The snow melts. The wind comes. All the leaf piles from the entire street end up in your yard to be dealt with come spring. So, I guess I should quit my complaining because either way we're screwed. The trees continue to shed their foliage, people keep raking and leaf blowing said foliage to their curbs. Street sweeping season is over, bring on the plows, so everyones leaves are heading here anyway. While writing this I've decided that the moral of the story is, don't bother raking your leaves.

4. Maybe Santa will bring me a chain saw so I can cut down all the trees on my corner. That’ll solve the leaf raking issues going on around here.

5. Let’s talk about Remy. Remy is not my dog. Remy is Leaf Blowing, Snow Blowing Joe’s dog. Remy is my driveway companion who was moved right to the top of my favorite dog list over my own dogs because she’s the only one who cares what actually goes on around here. I may or may not have taken a bit of a spill earlier this week resulting in my landing unceremoniously in my yard at the bottom of the ramp that leads to our shed. Did any of my dogs bark? No. Did they all just stare at me from the deck not making a sound? Yes they did. Did they alert anyone for any kind of help? No they did not. Remy sat with me and howled into the sunshine in attempts to alert Leaf Blowing Joe who was raging war against the leaves- or the middle kid who was home - to my distress. My dogs suck, Remy does not. Friday Dunkin Donuts runs have been cancelled indefinitely for The Kap Pack. Exhibit 3, The Rem-Dog

6. If anyone’s looking for Andrea, she can be found driving up and down Park Ave and wandering through Institute Park looking for the dumb ass deer that ran out in to traffic last week and straight in to her car. Get with the program Andrea, the deer has put you in his rear view, literally, and most likely has no recollection of the incident - well probably because he's concussed, but no, really, he's fine, or well, maybe dead, but don't feel bad, it's not like you sought him out to run him down ... or did you? Although word on the street is the deer in question has been identified as one of Santa's star reindeers, I'm sure Santa will pull it together and have his top flier replaced so Christmas will carry on ... if Christmas is cancelled this year Andrea, Santa will be coming for you... Exhibit 4, my interpretation of the events of Park Ave last week...

#irishguiltworksatchristmastoo

7. If you’re going to throw DVD’s out of the oversized DVD filled bins at Wal Mart at unsuspecting customers, it doesn’t matter how old you are, the police will be called. There may be a method to your madness, but I assure you, it's not acceptable to start throwing the movies you don't want or like at passing customers in the electronics section at your local store. This may shock you friends, but this behavior is frowned upon. More important, how many of you still own a DVD player?

8. Exhibit 5. Sue Miller. Caught red handed trying to smuggle her 20lb turkey into the house, by herself, without us knowing about it. Now, this is America, and it’s Thanksgiving season. Issue isn’t that she can’t get herself a big ass turkey to feed the neighborhood the day after Turkey day, the issue is her carrying that beast by herself into her house. Dr. Jimmy, are you reading this?!?!?!?! . It's not like she hit and killed a turkey wandering down Park Ave. like Andrea hit that deer, then brought it home to store in her freezer, that’s not the problem. Problem is, she has 6, count them - 6 grandchildren and countless nieces, nephews, and oh yeah, two kids, neighbors

and a priest who lives across the street, who would be more than happy to transport said turkey from her vehicle to its resting place in her house. Get it together Sue Miller – those sunglasses do not hide your identity…we all know who you are, you’re not fooling anyone.

9. With that said in #8, Sue Miller’s Granddaughters are a bunch of clowns and are afraid of her basement. Listen up girls, no one has been swallowed up by the boiler, or eaten alive by zombies or harassed by ghosts. If Grammy needs you to run to the basement, you better get your asses moving.

10. In thinking more about my tips for Turkey day I'm realizing I probably should've added this little tid - bit to my list of what to bring to Thanksgiving if you'd like to never be asked back. According to my partner in crime midst Pandemic home delivered meal delivery days Taylor McGrail, she determined and stands firm on her declaration that adding red dye or some unidentifiable sauce to a corn dog, does not make that meal an ethnic meal. Get it together Allen. 😊 If McGrail says it, it's the law. Exhibit 6, Goose shmoozing Grammy for scraps, no red sauce was served.

And last but not least, in all seriousness folks, I hope you're able to enjoy your family and friends next week and have a great start to the holiday season. Appreciate your people and when someone does or says something to irritate you I hope you remember that this time last year we were all wishing we could be together. Take it all in stride. If you are so lucky to share the upcoming holidays with people you love, or at the least like a little, pay it forward and do something nice for someone else less fortunate...it'll make you feel good and will come back to you ten fold when you least expect it.

Have a great weekend! 😊