Your Weekly Antics Expiration Dates are for Losers Edition...7-22-21

Well people, the rain continues – I hope you were able to get out and about during the extremely brief periods of sunshine that came our way and were able to do so without melting from the humidity. Yes, I’m complaining. Do I feel bad about it? No I do not. Can it be worse? It most certainly can, and according to NASA and their moon tilt/wobble theory it most certainly will as I mentioned in last weeks Antics. So kids, for those of you planning on purchasing yourselves a beach house for your retirement, you may want to reconsider. Between the rain, the moon tilt and Neurtogena sunscreen trying to kill us all, you may want to re think those retirement plans and purchase a home way up in the mountains. You don’t believe me? Google it. So, my PSA for this week, when you see the sun – get out there and enjoy it! Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Sunscreen – stay away from Neutrogena, it tried to kill me. Any rep from Neutrogena can come at me and accuse me of slander, go right ahead – I’m ready for you. I’m most definitely sure they owe me another entire weeks vacation, as well as a new external layer of skin. They suck. I’ll be taking my chances in the sun, when we have it, with any sunscreen but theirs, and/or wearing a long sleeved shirt and my all time favorite Red Sox hat that is older than my children. Thanks for nothing Neutrogena.

2. Here’s Murphy’s Law for you…we get ourselves a new Jeep with a soft top. We’re finally living the life without having to battle with the old top and the old jeep, can drive around and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, with a hat on because now I’m living in fear of sunscreen, but alas, no need to be concerned with sun exposure because it’s done nothing but rain. Fantastic. I’ve gotten used to driving around in the rain, and I haven’t melted yet, so bring it.

3. Pot Belly – not a happy camper no thanks to Mother Nature and the daily thunderstorms she has bestowed upon us here in The Woo. Poor Pot Belly Pig Dog not only wedged herself beneath my bed during one of our nightly storms, but managed to get herself stuck there. The battle between Josie and the youngest Kap kid continues. Josie became the under- the- bed- narc once she started clearing out everything and anything that Meri had stored, stuffed or tossed in the black hole that is the underside of Meri's bed. I would have otherwise not had any knowledge of this areas contents had Josie not decided to make herself comfortable and set up camp. Meri smartened up and no, she didn’t clean out beneath her bed, instead she strategically placed other items in such a way preventing Pot Belly from taking up residence under there. Disgruntled, Pot Belly had to move on to her second favorite spot to escape to, my closet - however, the door was closed. Out of options, her only choice was to squeeze her chubby self under my bed and then proceeded to get herself stuck. Anyone ever try to get a 65lb stuck dog out from under your bed? Not something you want to have to do at 3am, ever. My closet door will remain open until our New England monsoon season is over.

4. I was certain that some wild animal, or perhaps one of those pesky woodland creatures had found their way into my car last week and dropped dead. The stench inside the car was so gross and unbearable I was convinced it had to be a decomposing carcass of sorts. Investigating further, I thought I'd find one of Harley's nemesis's had met their untimely demise, and for half a second felt bad before deciding it would serve them right for getting in to my car in the first place. What did I find? The youngest Kap kids wet disgusting cleats tucked way in back of the jeep. No, not road kill. No, not one of those asshat chipmunks or squirrels – that smell originated from the youngest Kap kid’s cleats. It was indescribeable and in human - reminded me of the smell of home delivered meals on brussell sprouts and fish day, that smell never goes away and is ingrained in my brain forever. Exhibit 1 smelly cleats.

5. You ever wonder how some people are born in to the same family and have absolutely no similarities on some subjects? Take Sue Miller and my cousin Kelly for example. At Kelly’s house if any food item is so much as approaching an expiration date, it gets tossed. She doesn’t care what it is, where it’s been or what it’s used for, off to the trash it goes. In Sue Miller’s house all things have the shelf life of a twinkie – if it’s a non-perishable item, according to her, it lasts forever. I’m pretty sure Meri had sprinkles from Grammy’s last week that have been in her cabinet since the early 90's. When asking my Mother about it, her explanation was… ”the cover was closed, they’re fine, they’re not gonna kill you…”#expirationdatesr4loosahhhhs.

Exhibit 2...just a test to see if any of my cousins actually read The Antics....far right, that would be Sue Miller back in 1980 something...the left is Terry and Kelly, the Expiration Date Police. ( Kelly is the expiration nut, not Terry…and if it was Terry, I wouldn’t say so because she scares me - just ask Amy Bullett…)

6. Every household has experienced the forever unanswered question of what happens to our socks. You purchase them in pairs and keep them paired until the day they’re not. You let your guard down for one minute, all hell breaks loose and before you know it, you have the ultimate over flowing unpaired sock basket like we have here on my side of the hood. I’m not sure if we should consider exhibit 2 an example of what is being done with the unpaired socks, or if this is the reason for missing socks all together. You be the judge. Exhibit 3, Auggie the sock thief.

7. Not sure when or why, but Sue Miller has announced recently that she thinks Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are floozies…jury’s still out on Luke Bryan. If this little tid bit should get back to any of the three, I don't know what to tell them...take it up with Sue Miller.

8. Gramma Edie – Haven’t written about her for awhile because I remain on her list, and it’s not the good one. To go a long with the title of this weeks Antics, she too has informed me that she does not plan to expire any time soon as she just turned 99 last Month. In true Edie fashion, seeing as she's made it to 99 she feels she has earned the right to round up and tell people that she's 100 - as she put it, she's lived this long, so why not. I facetimed her for the momentous occasion that was the 99th anniversary of her birth and was met with, " why the hell do you bother calling me? I can't hear you anyway, so I'm gonna hang up..." And there you have it - apparently like all other things she seems to think I control, I am solely responsible for her hearing loss. Lemme tell you something, she’s living forever… Exhibit 4, Edie & her twin sister Ida circa 1940 something.

9. #allforme the new hashtag that has been assigned to my squad of 3 when partaking in shenanigans, canon balls and gin, not necessarily in that order and making plans to light stuff on fire in Andrea's yard...sounds like a good time doesn't it? So much fun that we've adopted the above hashtag so others will not steal our stuff, re: my buddy’s booze. Might even get this printed up on a t-shirt. #allforme

10. If you happen to venture in to the town of Milford this weekend peeps, you'll find the U14 Rockets playing softball. You may think that's Tom Selleck coaching 3rd base, but I assure you that Magnum himself has not taken over the team, it is still in fact, Coach Matt...he’s bringing the stash back … with some persuasion he may be available for hire for parties and impersonations - for a small fee - message me and we'll work something out.

11. And last but not least, I have a few things...a.) fruits and vegetables do have an expiration date and should not be ignored - I found this out the hard way in Marshall's fridge this week, and you guessed it, I'm blaming Dave...b.) Twinkies actually have an estimated shelf life of 25 days, so we've been lied to our entire lives, c.) apparently Coach Matt's mustache had an expiration date, because since writing #10, it has since been removed which is disappointing because now I'm going to have to find something new to make fun of him for...and d.) If you see the youngest Kap kid this weekend hanging out with stash-less Coach Matt, no longer Magnum look alike, be sure to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

Have a great weekend!