Your Weekly Antics - Driving in Circles through Triangle Edition...4-28-22

1. Well kids, as you know, I work in Geriatrics. On many occasions I have brought to our elders what is referred to as the “File of Life”. This little do-dad is a small vinyl holder with a magnet that you keep on your refrigerator. It holds ones pertinent medical and emergency contact information in the event that EMS should respond to your home and it must be accessed quickly. In order for this to work efficiently, the paperwork inside should be completed with all of your important information, and then using the magnet, keep it on your fridge. This will not work if the interior paperwork has been eaten by your dog. Exhibit 1- an example of how a File for Life can be used inefficiently. If your dog eats it and you have an emergency let's hope your dog speaks english or knows sign language and can relay all necessary information to emergency responders. If not, you're out of luck. Should anyone need a File for Life for your own use or someone else's, please give me a call and I'll get you one.

2. In case you didn’t know, I’m a great wing man, partner in crime, I'm the Bert to your Ernie, your ride or die, as long as you’re in charge of the wheel and leave me to act as your entertainment director or occasionally assist with adjusting your GPS while sitting in the passenger seat. I’m not going to lie, I've been known to doze off from time to time when taking on this role so it serves me right that I woke up to this, please see Exhibit 2. Someone's idea of messing with the public - if given the opportunity I too would hook a truck up to be towed making it look like it's driving directly at you the wrong way in traffic...

3. Triangle, NY, not to be confused with the Bermuda Triangle... Ever hear of it? Neither had I until the GPS started messing with us on our trips to Cortland New York. According to the 2019 census, it's estimated that this farming town hosts a population of 2,772 people. It's back country roads full of farms and livestock is a pleasant drive as long as you hit this part of your trip before the sun goes down and not in the event of inclement weather. If it's snowing or raining or God forbid the roads are icy, it makes for treacherous travel. In beautiful weather when travelling through this quaint little town after dark, all bets are off and even the seasoned traveler of this road has been known to report such things as abandoned school busses or clowns, or both, on the side of the road. I will admit that I am speaking the words of a tried and true city dweller and I mean no offense to the settlers of Triangle and certainly don't want to upset the spirits of this cute little town either; it's beautiful in daylight but once the sun leaves you and all is dark, it has the makings of the perfect set for a horror movie. I speak the truth. Plan your road trip accordingly people. There is no need to make this part of your trip in the dark.

4. We always seem to run across a character or two when on any road trip, but particularly when we’re heading to upstate New York. This time we didn’t run in to the Ted Talk lady and her lectures about the worlds misuse of paper towels in public restrooms, but instead ran across a disgruntled cashier whose name tag identified him as Steve. Steve was easily annoyed and didn’t have any problem expressing such. Having formerly done my time working in retail and my continued life’s work dealing with the public, I can sympathize with Steve and his feelings that the general public sucks. However, when I’m being nice and the youngest Kap kid is being nice and Steve decides to be a jerk, he will be renamed Angry Steve. I’m willing to bet that Angry Steve never worked at Spag’s. If he did, he would’ve been a lot nicer or would at least have the common decency to pretend he’s nice and liked his job. Come on Angry Steve…get it together.

5. Speaking of disgruntled. For all of you concerned that I was going to single handedly kill off the bird population in the 02, the bird feeder has been removed. I'd like to think that was the sole reason for removal of the bird feeder, but it was mostly due to that fat bastard squirrel who spent all his time making eye contact with me while rummaging through the bird seed, mocking me from the other side of my window. If any of our local birds drop dead, it's not because of me, I can't handle that kind of guilt. This is why we can’t have nice things people.

6. Nice things – it came to my attention that one of the very last flip phones in existence has been taken off the grid, retired, and an updated cell phone has been set up in its place. That flip phone may even be considered an antique. I’d like to formerly welcome Juan Perez to 2022, his modern cell phone, and pass along my condolences as he lays his flip phone to rest. Please be kind to Juan kids - not only did it take some kind of miracle to get him to retire that trusty device, but he did so on his birthday. If having to learn how to use a new cell phone wasn't bad enough, after years of torment bestowed upon him he made good on a bet he lost to the youngest Kap kid - who knew that then 10 year old Meri would hold him to it? Exhibit 3, Juan sporting his new cell phone.

7. When making a toilet paper run to the front desk of your hotel at midnight, one should not do so by sliding down a stairway bannister…just because you want to do it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea. Things to consider prior to committing such and act… A.) Do you bounce? B.) How badly do you need your bones to function properly? C.) Who’s going to be around to witness said event, to believe you did it and did so successfully, or to be there to pick you up off the floor? D.) if you injure yourself you're going to need more than toilet paper. My recommendation? As fun as you think it's going to be, don’t do it, and no, it wasn't me.

8. Fun fact - I've recently been told if you find a half a horseshoe in your yard, that's bad luck. Makes sense I suppose if a whole in tact horseshoe is considered good luck. More important, if I find any portion of a horseshoe in my yard here in the Woo I'm thinking I've got bigger problems such as, why would I have half a horseshoe in my yard in the first place? If there is an old horseshoe in my yard was there a horse living here at some time or another? And if there was a horse living here at one time then why the hell can't I have a duck?

9. When in a small town that closes up at 5pm, you may run in to a situation that involves having to buy some necessities at a local gas station because there's no where else to go. You may feel as though you're being robbed once you part with your hard earned cash to retain those necessary items. Case in point - have you ever spent $14 for a case of water? Or $2 for a package of 6 band aids before you find the First Aid kit you always keep in the van that was no where to be found when you needed it? To make that highway robbery complete would have been to find Angry Steve had migrated and was working behind the register.

10. When ordering take out go with your gut and don't order from an establishment that has the word Hair or Hairy in the name. I don't know who came up with the name Hairy Tony's but I'm thinking they didn't think that one through. Stick with Brix, Brick Oven Pub. You can accidentally smack a guy and they'll still take your order.

11. And last but not least...don't let your guard down. Just because your Mother is fully clothed doesn't mean that she won't knock you in a hotel pool and quickly follow that up with a cannonball. One would think all of my children would know that, but that must've slipped the youngest Kap kids mind - rookie move.

Have a great weekend!