Your Weekly Antics - Bunnies of the Hood Edition...8-19-21

Well kids, this week started off with a bang. This should surprise no one anywhere, that I came home from Dr. Leanne Berard (508-753-0503) trying valiantly again to fix me on a Monday morning to find a rabbit on my lawn. No, not one of the thousands of wild city rabbits that have taken to the streets and yards of the Woo – this was no Gangsta rabbit, this was a domesticated house rabbit who had absolutely no business wandering the streets of the 02. The hood’s not safe for all fury creatures, especially not the likes of this little critter who had absolutely no idea what the hell he was doing. However, as I write this I have to admit that he must’ve had some idea what he was doing because he eluded capture for 6 hours. SIX HOURS running up and down and all around until we finally smartened up, listened to our bunny peeps via facetime Cathy and Vicki, and set Have a Heart Traps full of scrumptious treats for the little bugger. After messing with us and not taking the bait we started to give up and later found him on the inside of our fenced in yard having gotten through a downed picket (thank you Pot Belly Pig Dog…). He most likely fell under the spell of the chipmunks, squirrels and all other woodland creatures who have taken up residence here on Asbury Road, followed their unsolicited and very poor advice luring him in. The dope hopped right on in to our yard and eventually found himself in our trap - BAM - and off to the Worcester Animal Rescue League he went. Sorry buddy, the Inn here is full. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. When you run away from your rabbit home you will run the risk of being caught, and then given a name that you will most definitely not grow in to…sorry little mini lop friend…despite my efforts, the good people at the Worcester Animal Rescue League named you Bumblebee…not the bad ass name you probably feel that you deserve now that you did time on the streets. But this is what happens when you stray far from home and wind up wandering the hood – let that be a lesson to you. In your next home, stay put. You will not survive the streets of the Woo with the name Bumblebee. Exhibit 1 Runaway rabbit finally captured.

2. Okay, so maybe little Bumble Bee wasn’t a stray after all. Maybe he didn’t escape due to the negligence of his owner who may have left his cage unlatched. If you want to know the truth about it, I think the little guy was dumped in our yard. Wouldn’t be the first time an unwanted pet was left in the yard of the Kap house. Just ask Colleen Gagne who became the owner of a saved Hedgehog caught in our yard by the now oldest most seasoned Kap dog Hannah, way back in 2015 ish. Not only did she take the little guy in but took such good care of him that he lived for 5 or 6 years. A Worcester Gangsta Street Hedgehog who was rescued and brought into the good life despite his time on the streets. RIP Hedgehog whose name I can’t recall - Peace out. Exhibit 2 - not a hedgehog, but instead my Brother being surprised while working the bar at Quinns, by his nephews who are now all of drinking age. They too spent an afternoon loitering around harassing the bar - keep, much like the hedgehog had loitered in our yard.

This brings me to pet responsibilities…if you’re going to get a pet let’s get a few things straight. Those fluffy cuddly little critters you purchase on impulse thinking they'll make the perfect Christmas, Easter and Birthday gifts…they grow up. They don’t stay that size forever and will get bigger. They need to be fed and sheltered. Some need to be brushed. Some need to eat a quality diet that doesn’t include bologna, lettuce or outdated deli meats. You can’t just feed them crap. They need to see a vet. And then you have to provide them with shelter, appropriate housing. Do you want to live in a house with a leaky roof? No you don’t, well neither does your rabbit that you leave housed in a hutch in the blazing hot sun with a friggin hole in the roof. Cats, although as a general rule hate us, like clean litter and food and water. Dogs like attention and on occasion like to see you at the other end of their leashes while out on a little stroll, or at minimum, out on a ride, their ears flapping in the wind, embarking on a trip to the Dunkins drive thru for one donut hole - this of course would be in addition to the quality diet you’ve already provided him that day. Just ask Billy Parenteau. When I die I want to come back as one of his dogs…Porter and Quinton get pancakes and chicken and McDonalds – again, after their well balanced meals. Get it together people. If you can’t provide the basic necessities, keep it moving – you don’t deserve these creatures. You can’t just dump them off because they’re starting to mess with your sock basket...please see exhibit 3 and move on to #4.

4. Auggie…all 4 ½ lbs of her has quite the sock fetish. No thanks to her obsession with socks and the dreaded sock basket, I finally pulled the trigger and addressed the sock situation once and for all because I was sick of finding stray socks everywhere. I spent more time than I care to admit, matching socks and then all I couldn’t find matches to I threw away. And you know as well as I do that as soon as I threw the stray socks away, the others started popping up everywhere. Ridiculous. Please see exhibit 3 – the sock pile that once was the sock basket that eventually found its way to the sock trash.

5. Please see Exhibit 4. This is Rosie. Rosie has had a few shout outs here and there in the Weekly Antics, and dammit, she deserves another. Rosie lives the good life under my Brother and Sister in Law’s roof, and let there be no mistake about it, they like her more than their kids. Don’t feel bad for their well adjusted teenage children, they are perfectly aware of this fact and are totally okay with it. Because this dog is loved so much, she is allowed to participate in pool basketball and my Brother supplies her with 5 gallon Home Depot buckets on the regular. Why you ask? Because she likes them and they make her happy that’s why. Quit asking stupid questions.

6. Mice. Don’t be surprised by this fact that I’m gonna lay out for you – mice do not discriminate. They don’t care where you live, what kind of house you live in, what color you are, what kind of clothes you wear, or what language you speak. All they care about is what you’re serving for dinner. After the mentioned rabbit incident that took up my entire day off, Al comes home from work. Al does his man of the house duty and lights the grill. ( you light the deck on fire one time, and all of a sudden no one wants you working the grill...) Thankfully he opened the cover prior to lighting it and then proceeded to scream like a 5 year old girl. Inside the grill, sitting comfortably on the grates, looking as stunned as Al was, was a baby mouse. You'd think the mouse would've learned the first time, but no, of course not. Next day I come home, go to light the grill and luckily opened the top to check first and here the little bastard was, brazen and unafraid. He actually sat there longer than he should've trying to decide if he was going to vacate. You wanna play cat and mouse with me? Go for it because I will no longer check before lighting her up. No mouse was harmed, he beat feet out of there before the grill was lit, however as I mentioned, no promises for tomorrow. Exhibit 5 - I was able to snap this pic because I was ready for the little bastard this time.

7. Again, not sure what’s happening here on this side of the hood, but the happenings can be viewed in a few different ways. a). perhaps those nasty chipmunks, squirrels and other woodland creatures have decided to band together and call in reinforcements, b) the dogs who live here really are a bunch of free loaders that can’t keep critters away or catch the stray critter who finds its way into my yard, c) it’s finally happened, I’ve lost my mind and am hallucinating all of it, or d). all of the above. Exhibit 6, Rosie and her 5 gallon bucket - why am I putting this exhibit here you ask? Because I was running out of room and who wouldn’t want to watch a video of her antics in the yard with her bucket?

8. The Row. Although things were busy around here trying to catch dumped rabbits, deal with mice harassing me from the grill and the normal shenanigans that go on here on my corner, I was able to meet up with the originals of The Row. For those of you not familiar, The Row, according to us, was the coveted place to sit in the PS department at ESW where all the fun and Tom Foolery happened. See exhibit 7 - Kelly and Elvin! significant others were not included in this photo because they aren't part of this elite group The Row. And quite honestly, they could've cared less, going about their conversation while we were snapping selfies...

9. Next time you find yourself at the Starbucks on Park Ave, order yourselves a large black iced coffee…or venti or grande, or however the hell you order it. If you’re lucky, you’ll get Tyler as your drive thru order guy. When you ask for said coffee, he responds, tall and black, just like a cat…or, when you ask how he is on that fine day, he says, you know, same oatmeal different bowl…or, good morning, Sherriff Tyler, what can I get you today? - can't blame the kid for messing with people...his responses make up for the ridiculous amount of time you wait in that line for your coffee. Then be cheerful when he hands you what you ordered, and for crying out loud, smile at the kid and give him a dam tip. It’s hard being cheery when you’re dealing with anyone ordering anything at a drive thru fast food joint. Don’t be a jerk. We love Tyler - you better treat the kid right.

10. In this weeks episode of you can’t flim flam a flim Flammer… sucks to be you rabbit - if I’m jumping through hoops you better do the bare minimum of what I ask of you - if I'm working towards helping you get out of the stupid situation you got yourself in to, you better get your act together and take my advice, grab the line I'm throwing you, or hop in to the safety of the trap the youngest Kap kid has set. This applies to Bumblee Bee the house rabbit gone rogue as well as some of the cases I've been working on - had the dumbass bunny gotten in the dam cage at 9am instead of making us chase him all day he would've been set up in his new air conditioned digs by noon. If anyone ever filled out a housing application when I told them to, they too would be set up in their new digs sooner than later instead of setting up camp on a park bench where air conditioning is not provided ... Help me Help you.

11. And last but not least…if you don’t want your pet, don’t dump it on the side of the road. If you ring my bell or call me or text me or email me, 9 times out of 10 I’m taking it in for you because I’m a fool and don’t know how to say no. Don’t set it free to be eaten by hawks or dogs or run over by one of your poor neighbors who’s innocently pulling out of their driveway to hit Cumbies for a gallon of milk. Or, if in Worcester, call the Worcester Animal Rescue league at 508-853-0030, or your local Animal Control Officer, who in my opinion, do not get the credit they deserve. And for crying out loud, listen to your Social Workers - believe it or not, we actually know what we're talking about and are wicked smart. Don’t be an ass - we're tired, overworked, under-paid, under appreciated, sweaty from this summers heat, sore from climbing the stairs of the three deckers here in our fine city, hoarse from advocating tirelessly for you, unfortunately unarmed, running out of patience, have been around the block a few times therefore know all your games and tricks, so quit trying our patience. You're smarter than that.

Have a great weekend!