Your Weekly Antics, Breaking Bread Edition...10-14-21

Well kids, I hope you all enjoyed your Columbus Day weekend and haven't had your days too screwed up as a result of having Monday off. I'm here to tell you that today is Thursday and hopefully for all of you, tomorrow will be the end of your work week. Here's what I've got...

1. Directions…When on a trip and your wife pre-emtively puts the location of your destination on the GPS, don’t tell her to shut the GPS off saying you know where you’re going. All wives everywhere know that you don’t. You will ultimately ask her to pull the directions up before you’ve reached your destination just to check something. What we all know is you don’t know where you’re going and you should’ve just kept your mouth shut and let her keep the GPS on in the first place. #whatwivesaresayingallacrossamerica

2. Sam-gry. This is the technical term that the middle and youngest Kap kids have coined when referring to their brother once he begins to exhibit signs of hunger. Despite his being 22 years old the girls offered to start carrying single serving packs of cereal to proactively stop Sam-gry symptoms once they begin to emerge. It takes a village.

3. Some people get together and break bread, others get together and beat the crap out of each other with it. While sitting in traffic in the center of Ogunquit last weekend, the middle and youngest Kap kids and I witnessed what we will refer to as the Great Bread Battle of Ogunquit. Being in the right place at the right time, we observed three boys, approximately 12-13, at a storefront in the middle of the foot traffic of a busy sidewalk on the Saturday of a long holiday weekend. Each kid armed with his own individual loaf of French bread. They weren’t eating this bread, instead, they were beating the bee-geezes out of each other while innocent passersby tried to make their way to the shops. While beating each other with abandon not one kid seemed the least bit concerned that there were people trying to navigate their way around this spectacle while falling victim to the remnants of bread pieces being tossed through the air. So let’s talk about this. For starters, it was hysterical. I’ll admit these kids made my day and I’m not ashamed to admit it. They were just doing what the rest of us wish we could do and get away with without getting ourselves locked up. (If that should happen call Michael Erlich, Criminal Defense Worcester 508-791-9001…)

4. Back to #3. I’ll admit it, I was envious. Imagine being able to take your aggression out on someone who’s been aggravating the hell out of you by beating them with a loaf of French bread? I’d be stopping at the Big Y Bakery daily on my way in to work to pick up at least a half a dozen. Then I’d go about my day hucking bread at people out of my moving car. Even better, I’d save this fun filled activity for nice days when I’m driving the jeep with the top down, easier to hit your target when not confined to the interior of the minivan.

5. Fast forward several hours later. We enter a restaurant at the other end of Ogunquit to meet the rest of the family. Much to the youngest Kap kids horror, we walk in and who do we see, but the same three boys walking in ahead of us. While Meri began begging me under her breath not to speak to or make eye contact with them, the three walked in and were greeted with disdain by the teenager-ish kid who was working the host station. The host immediately began shooing them away as they began peppering him with questions and asking for someone named Matt. Maybe Matt was their bread supplier?

6. Hours later. It’s dark. Same kids barreling through the center of Ogunquit on their BMX bikes up and down the street and sidewalks on their way to cause who knows what kind of havoc. Riddle me this…where were their parents? Where the hell did they keep getting those loaves of bread? And if I kept seeing them everywhere how many of their Parents friends had and were ratting them out? Clearly not many because it looked to me as if these shenanigans were a day long activity.

7. Ever see a bad ass muscle guy with an equally bad ass neck tattoo driving a white moped? I did – almost as funny as The Bread Biker Gang. Had I met him at a stoplight, I would’ve told him that the rest of his brethren could be found back in the center of town telling him all he had to do was look for the kids with the bread. Had he continued to tail gate me with his intimidating wheels and then unceremoniously eaten the spare tire on the back of the jeep, I would’ve most definitely gotten out, told him to get it together and get in my vehicle so I could drive him back to meet the lot of his little kid friends. Dude – that moped is too small for you. Next time you buy or rent one perhaps you should ask for one that comes in Mens Large.

8. If you know me well you’ll know that I am a magnet for anyone over 60 so why would being out of the 02 for the weekend change that? Meri and I met a lovely 90 year old woman and her daughter walking from a little town store. The Daughter was given the task of carrying the items they purchased, a bag of Lays Potato Chips, a box of Ritz Crackers and a bottle of wine. The elder kept up a good pace while ambling behind a bit using her cane. I was impressed with her stamina and told her so. She told me she was on her way home to celebrate. I asked her what the occasion was and she proudly told me that it was her 90th Birthday and quickly went on to say she could not believe she had lived to see her 90th year. I asked her what her secret was - she responded, “simple…Ritz Crackers and wine.” There you have it folks…the elixir of youth. My kind of lady.

9. After our run ins with a variety of individuals on two wheels, we ran across another with two wings. What does one do when you’re driving down a dark road and see a poor defenseless owl standing in the road? Why would you need to ask me this? Of course you stop. You slow down, you observe, then you stop to help it out, that’s what you do. If and when I take the dirt nap and come back as wildlife lost in the middle of the street one of you better stop and help me or you bet I’ll be haunting your asses for all time. Don’t be a jerk. Stop and help. Someday it could be you.

10. The youngest Kap kids tom foolery and torment of her Father continues. Her siblings were quick to point out that she’s not that bright as you’ll see in Exhibit 1. Here she thinks she’s being super smooth by putting a chair up against the doorknob of the bathroom door thinking she’s now locked her Father inside the bathroom. Her siblings did not waste any time pointing out that the door opened in, so all she would accomplish is presenting her Father with a fall hazard. Good thing she wasn’t trying to protect herself from a serial killer.

11. And last but not least…I hope you’re all getting out there enjoying this beautiful fall weather, I told you that the leaves would start to change to their glorious fall colors. I'd like to say that's because I'm wicked smart, but really people, all you have to do is watch the news during the weather segment, but thanks for assuming I'm fabulous. Get out there and enjoy it. Before we know it it’ll be freezing and snowing giving us all something else to complain about.

Have a great weekend!