Your Weekly Antics Bitter and Jaded Edition...5-12-22

I Hope you’re all having a good week and are staying out of trouble. Continue to fly under the radar people, that’s the only advice I have for you this week. Keep your nose clean, take care of yourselves, don’t depend on people not to suck, be stupid and purposely irritate you, and you’ll be fine. And just to make matters worse, or perhaps explain the level of stupidity we've been dealing with, we do, in fact, have a full moon upon us May 15th as well as a Total Lunar Eclipse- here's some info on the Lunar Eclipse, when it starts, when it ends and when and how to watch it...check out this link...

https://www.space.com/15689-lunar-eclipses.html

Do with this information as you please. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Know this…we at The Antics have a select few whom we consider in high regard, have adopted them into our inner circle and feel about them as we do our own children. You wrong them, upset them, belittle them, any wrongdoing what-so-ever and we’ll find out about it. When we do, we’re coming for you…or specifically me, I’ll be coming for you, so get it together. Now that we’ve addressed that, let’s move on…

2. Speaking of parenting and kids and teaching people stuff…here’s this…who needs to parent when you have google? No need to tire ourselves out with any personal relationships when we have the internet. Let’s just continue to contribute to society’s lack of social skills and please note I said society, not kids or children or young adults…I’m talking everyone. No one actually speaks to each other anymore, so why not? You’ve got a question? Don’t talk to me, google it. Wait until we’re all in the Nursing Home, we’re really gonna be screwed – no one has any social skills anymore; we’ll all be set up in front of our tablets with virtual made up friends and visitors. Or maybe that‘ll work out for us - how many of you have people in your lives that you think to yourself, ya know what? I wish I had an off button to shut this person up… that’s the solution, virtual friends and acquaintances. We don't just spew nonsense here at The Antics, we are also problem solvers.

3. If you are going to come to me for an answer or advice, do me a favor, and listen every once in a while. If you’re going to not take my advice and continue to do what you damn well please even if it’s wrong, illegal and bad for you, then don’t waste my damn time asking my opinion. Google someone else's opinion and answers ya jackass – save us the headache, we can’t get that wasted time back. I could’ve saved myself the trouble of trying to save you during my in person visit and gotten myself a coffee instead. Get it together.

4. If you’re going to get a dog for the love of God and all that’s holy, take care of it. Bring him to the vet. House train him. Teach him some basic manners. Then if he or she is still a jerk from time to time like Pot Belly Pig Dog, at least you can say it’s not for lack of trying to be a good dog parent and doing what’s right by getting her proper training. Dogs are like kids…if you don’t teach them things like basic manners and how to act in public, they will grow up to be inconsiderate assholes, it’s as simple as that. Sorry if you don’t like it, but I speak the truth. If one should think that any of my dogs or children are acting like assholes, please bring it to my attention. Once I assess the level of assholery, I will do what is necessary to correct the problem. If I have determined that those on my end are not at fault, and you, are in fact the wrong doer, I’ll let you know and you can go about your business fixing your own behavior or whatever disgruntled feelings you may have; then you can go about your business and leave the rest of us alone. You're welcome.

5. Sitting with one of my lovely children, who shall not be named, this past weekend on Mother’s day no less, I asked this particular child of mine if I could share the big comfy chair with the kid. The kid says, nah, I’ll just move to the couch, it’s more comfortable. Do I even need to tell you what I said? I’m sure you can guess… well, I was uncomfortable for 40 weeks, but whatever, I’d hate for you to be uncomfortable while sitting through the last two innings of the Red Sox game with me, your Mother, who gave birth to you and almost died during that process – wherever you’re most comfortable, don’t worry about me, you do you. Yup, I went there.

6. Some days later…sitting around watching yet another game, probably basketball because you all know how I feel about that never ending God forsaken season – sitting with the youngest Kap kid, she decides she’s going to have herself a snack. I could see her trying not to make eye contact with any of her 4 legged friends who live here who make it their life mission to shake her down every chance they get. One would think I’d know better, but of course I called attention to the situation by sharing my own snack item with one of them. This of course caused a frenzy of bad dog behavior earning me the stink eye from the youngest Kap kid because like seagulls, once you feed one, chaos ensues. You’d think I’d know better by now, but every once in a while even I slip up. Hard to believe I too participate in bad behavior now and then, but it's true.

7. Have you checked on your people lately? Now that things are getting back to normal, whatever the hell that’s supposed to look like now - doesn’t mean that some people aren’t still struggling. So check in. And if you tend to be the checker – in- er of your group, be sure to check in with yourself. As we tell our caregivers here at Elder Services, self-preservation goes a long way people. If you give too much of yourself you’ll have nothing left to continue to give and nothing left to keep yourself afloat. Give wisely of your time and your efforts or as a wise woman once told me, “ be careful who you share your special gifts with…”. That’s our burn out prevention lecture for this week kids. It’s okay not to be okay and to take a break. Take care of yourselves.

8. Life’s hard people, harder for some than others. So instead of being an ass and contributing to someones bad day, be nice. It’s not that hard and it’s free. I’m not saying that you always have to go out of your way, after all, I just preached self preservation in #7. Say please. Say Thank you. Someone’s trying to pull out in traffic and you’re not in a total rush? Let them in and do so with a smile. This is basic information that was attempted to be taught to us way back in the day when we had young impressionable minds. If you weren’t taught this or for whatever reason did not absorb this lesson, there’s still time and some dogs do learn new tricks, so give it a shot. If you can’t be nice and improve the life of someone else just by being kind for 5 seconds out of your day, do the world a favor and stay the hell home. Come back out when you’ve changed your attitude. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a time out because even you have recognized you’re being a jerk for no good reason. This is a basic life skill – practice it.

9. Ok, so here’s where we’re going to talk about cutting our kids some slack. Those of us with college age children, they’re all starting to trickle in and make their way home for the summer. Some are thrilled to be home, some not so much, and really why would they be? They go from running their own show, coming and going as they please despite all of us parents knowing exactly where they are at all times no thanks to their find my iphone shared location thing or whatever it is…to this day Kelly Labonte still knows where I am at all times just incase I wind up abducted and thrown in someones dirt basement…hang in there and remember it takes a few weeks for their still developing minds to remember that not only do you in fact run your house because you pay the bills and keep a roof over their heads, but that you are in fact, in charge, therefore have a right to continue to expect them to follow those rules you have put in place. And don’t be too hard on yourselves when you realize that by the time they’ve figured all this out and you’ve chosen not to kill them that it’s time for them to pack up and head back to school.

10. And for you kids out there who read the Weekly Antics, because why wouldn’t you, we’re a lot of fun…cut your parents some slack, be respectful, and remember to pick up the dam phone when they call you. When you don’t answer the phone, especially after several attempts, we always assume the worst, start trying to figure out how much free cash we can collect quickly for bail, which favors we can call in if necessary, or we think far worse. AND, we all track your phones so unless you want your Mother and her friends to roll up on you in the middle of the night with the Beastie Boys playing at the highest level possible, to collect you from wherever you are, answer the phone or call or text and tell us your whereabouts. This is a simple courtesy and know that this request is attainable as you all have your phones attached to you at all times. The simplicity of open communication will vastly improve the quality of your summer. And while we're at it and talking about picking things up - pick up your laundry. Don't leave it in a sweaty heap on your bedroom floor. You're independent now, remember? You did your wash while away at school, well surprise, we still have a fully operational washer and dryer at the family homestead that you are free to use at any time - I'd hate to find your pile of clothes on fire on the front lawn. Do your laundry.

11. And last but not least…enjoy the nice weather that’s heading our way, but don’t be a fool and act like you’ve never been to New England before, and unpack your variety of all season clothing items out of the trunks of your vehicles. Just because it’s expected to be a high of 83 on Saturday doesn’t mean it can’t possibly drop to 55 by sundown where you will then be cold and miserable because you would have gotten yourselves sunburned from sitting at the softball field without sunscreen all day. The Antics can’t be everywhere people, so plan accordingly.

Have a great weekend!