Your Weekly Antics - Better Late than Never, Last Week of the Year Edition...12-30-2021

Well kids, we are in the last week of 2021 and all I have to say to 2021 is good riddance. This may be harsh, but it is what it is and I’m just saying what the rest of you are all thinking. I’ve never been one to say I can’t wait for this year to be over because I don’t believe that by 12:01am on the 1st day of the New Year that anything will miraculously change, but I will not be sad to see 2021 hit the bricks. Despite this stupid virus continuing to haunt us, I hope you were able to gather with your inner circle to celebrate Christmas and will be able to do the same to safely invite in the New Year. If you’re sick, stay the hell home and keep your germs to yourselves. Wash your hands and wear your masks…we can’t wrap ourselves up in bubble wrap after spraying ourselves down in Lysol, so that’s all we can do. Be smart. Open some windows and enjoy the fresh air. Here’s what I’ve got…

1. Returns. Here’s my deal. If I bought it and gifted it to you, too bad if you don’t like it. You’re lucky I went to the store in the first place. If you don’t like it or it doesn’t fit, there’s the door. Have at it, good luck and Godspeed in the return lines. You will find all necessary receipts neatly lined up on the table waiting for you. This isn’t because I’m Scrooge, or despite what some may think, the worst person ever, I am only doing the general public a service by avoiding all stores at all times. I hate any and all stores on a good day, what do you think I’d be like on 12/26 people? You’re welcome.

2. I did not go out on December 26th to get all the bargains for next year. Wrapping paper, gift bags, bows, tissue paper and all the festive wrappings that make up Christmas…I don’t care what kind of nifty little storage container you offer me to store such items to keep safe for next Christmas, I’ll still lose or ruin all of the above so it’s a big waste of my time, money and energy. And guess what people, that 75% off they claim to be selling it at… it’s all lies.

3. So maybe I have in the past bought ahead, fallen into the trap of purchasing gift wrap and such at their BS 75% off then got pissed off come July because I was sick of tripping over it, finding a place to store it and then threw it all outside in Lawnmower Joes firepit. Just so you all know, these actions came back to haunt me this Christmas Eve like the Ghost of Christmas past when I ran out of wrapping paper, gift bags, useless tissue paper, you name it at 10pm on 12/24. This is what happens when you have a gift wrap meltdown mid-July, destroy all saved Christmas paper products and wait until after store hours to wrap. Please see Exhibit 1.

4. My Brother tells me that he could hear his son wrapping gifts in preparation for this fine holiday. He asks him what he could possibly have to wrap because he didn’t have any money saved to buy presents. He said he was wrapping presents for his Sisters. Again my Brother asked him how he was able to buy presents without any cash. My nephew informed him that he didn’t need cash for his sisters gifts because he had gone in to their rooms, took some of the stuff they already owned and was wrapping up their used items for them and presenting said items to them as their Christmas gifts. #smartestkidevahhh

5. In case you’re wondering, the items lifted by Bryce from his Sisters rooms and then re gifted to them were, a used cap-less bottle of perfume for Kiley and a diffuser for Kolby that she apparently didn’t know she owned and she described as some weird little humidifier thing that blows out nice smelling air…The kid is brilliant.

6. With Christmas comes snooping, I don’t care how old your kids are. Whether they’re getting the packages you’ve ordered and delivered to your door before you get home, or good old fashioned closet snooping, the curiosity is there. One niece who shall not be named, but who has a twin Brother, may or may not have reported that such an activity occurred in their house. She may or may not have made reference to the items she found – Nike, Polo, Nike, Polo - and identified them as such to confirm my theory I spoke of in The Prodigal Son Edition a few weeks back. What can I say girls? Maybe you're Brothers got the right idea? You’ve got to start aiming higher and asking bigger…

7. That brings me to aiming low. If you ask me for special socks from Dick’s that you absolutely love, of course I’m getting them for you. Keeping them away from Auggie is a different story all together – you’re on your own – that cat’s nuts and if she wants to spend all day every day carrying your socks around keeping them from you so you can’t even wear them – I don’t know what to tell you. Take it up with her – and Good Luck because as I’ve already mentioned…that cat’s crazy.

8. The woodland creatures do not rest people. Despite the winter months, those bastards continue to torture Harley and I. Harley and eventually the others in the Kap Pack started sniffing around the stair to our front room that is formerly a three season porch. She sits. She waits. She attempts to rip up my hardwood floor, and she listens. First the sniffing started so our hackles were raised and suspicions grew. But then - then the noises started. Subtle at first, but grew louder and more frequent. We all hear it, except Al of course because any kind of noise or broken part or anything that requires attention stops once he’s around making us all look like we’re hallucinating. Christmas morning he’s up before all of us and the noises start. He admits first to Harley, and then to the rest of us that he did hear the noise. I ask, what do you think it is? He tells me, “I don’t know, but it’s big….” The End. No resolution because of course the noises stopped which means of course problem solved - they resumed as soon as he left for work on Monday morning...

9. With the above said, if any woodland creature or vermon or intruder of the outside decides to make its way inside the Kap house, let there be no mistake about it, all 4 dogs and Al will need to be rehomed. The least they can do is channel their inner dog and man of the house instinct and keep those sons of bitches out. As far as I’m concerned, I heard the noise. I pointed the noise out to someone more capable than myself to eliminate said noise. Now fix the noise, remove the noise, make the noise stop. And no, I'm not “hearing noises“. The dogs and everyone else heard it too. Get on it.

10. Boilers and Furnaces. Anyone ever wonder why boilers and furnaces decide to stop working in the middle of winter and in the middle of the night? Is there something written somewhere, like a law or a pact established by the first boiler maker of all time (and no, I am not speaking of the alcohol version of a Boiler Maker,) that says somewhere that all boilers, furnaces, whatever it is that one uses to generate heat and hot water in their homes decides to up and die during the overnight hours? I think there is. I know we don’t heat our homes in the summer, but we still use hot water in July people and I’ve never met anyone who’s said, ya know, I’m having a rough day because my hot water tank blew on this fine sunny gorgeous July day. Of course not – this crap only happens between the months of December and March. Why you ask? Because it’s an unwritten law somewhere just to mess with us. There – now you all know the truth.

11. And last but not least I’d like to formerly thank our IT department and the powers that be, that protect all of the valuable confidential information that we gather about our clients and enter into our protected computer systems. Keeping all information safe from hackers and lunatics and employees like myself who can’t remember a dam thing, therefore can never recall even the simplest daily passwords required to hop on my laptop and get some work done. I am protected from myself all day long and believe that I, and I alone, am keeping them gainfully employed. I’m happy I can be of service to you.

Happy New Year!