Your Weekly Antics - Another Fun Day in The Woo Edition...11-11-2021

Well kids, this weeks Antics was reviewed by my buddy Mike Hudson. I upped the anti this visit people, not only did we hang out singing the Doors all day, but due to todays technology, he didn’t have to listen to my independent singing, instead we were able to stream some of the real stuff and a little Pearl Jam and Nirvana too - he let me know that David Bowie wasn’t his favorite and then we dabbled in a bit of classical and irish music as well. I’m pretty sure if asked, he’d tell you that although Jim Morrisson sings it way better than I do, I don’t sound half bad, but that’s only because Mikey would never say a bad word about anyone, ever. Here’s what I’ve got….

1. Recent question from one of my elders…Are you gonna help me get my license back? Do you have any connections with the RMV? Absolutely not. I’m lucky to still have my own license. You’re on your own pal but I’ll tell you what…if you want to stay out of the clink, stop getting pulled over without a valid license, and keep your clothes on - none of us get paid enough to see that. That my friend would solve all sorts of problems. No one wants to see an 80 something year old guy go to jail, but wait, I do. I'd love to see him land in the clink. One less person on my caseload making bad decisions.

2. Be careful what you hide in your closets people because in the event the time comes that your friend has to clean up and get you moved out, she will see what you've got stashed away and she would prefer to not have to try to un-see what was found. And if I have to spend three hours uncrumpling your rolled up dollar bills that you have stashed everywhere, that's gonna piss me off too. And I will stay up at night wondering if I accidentally tossed some of those dollar bills in the trash with your collection of the daily numbers you've cut out and saved from the Worcester T&G from the past 20 something years. And all the free samples from every dermatology appointment you've ever gone to will go in the dumpster. No one needs that much face wash, I don't care who you are. Keep it up Marshall, keep it up...Exhibit 1 Marshall finding ways to make more work for me...

3. Our fine city is made up of all sorts of characters…you never know what or who you’re gonna see or what you’re gonna get. Here’s something you don’t see every day in the Woo, unless of course this is the new weapon of choice and I’m the last to know about it. Bear Mace. When I asked this gentleman if he runs across a lot of wild life in Main South that would make him feel as though this was an essential necessity to carry on his person, his response was, “ you bet…we don’t get bears, but have you seen the people?” I really couldn't fault him on that one -he may be on to something. Exhibit 2, Bear Mace

4. Show's you how little I know...wildlife is taking over the Woo...it's not just mice and rats and racoons and the woodland creatures and our five foot friends living in elder housing who are causing havoc. In addition to the information provided to me by this fine gentlemen I spoke about in #3, wildlife shows itself in all sorts of forms right here amongst us city dwellers. A few weeks ago there was a moose roaming up Pleasant Street, why you ask? Why not? Saturday, there was a deer vs. Andrea's car incident right on the corner of Salisbury and Park Ave.. Maybe it had been scared off by that disgruntled swan who lives in Institute Park? We'll never know. Bottom line is we don't have time for this foolishness, the frolicking in and out of traffic like Frogger, on a Saturday afternoon. Get it together Bambi and go back to the woods. You're bigger than that swan, don't let him bully you in to thinking he'll poke your eyes out. Exhibit 3, the effects of the Park Ave. deer vs. Andrea's bumper

5. Tripping up the O2 – not sure which one of this group was having a harder time managing the carrying of the oxygen…Sue Miller or her helpers. Sue Miller does perfectly fine on her own until these two fools come along. This is how it usually goes down. Meri tries to help Grammy by carrying her portable oxygen. This involves one or both of them getting tangled up in the tubing. Then the two of them walk out of sync because Grammy decides to high tail it out of where ever we are, leaving very little slack on the tubing. The tubing is then ripped right off of the portable tank while Sue Miller keeps walking, the tubing now dragging behind. Reaghan freaks out blaming Meri for Grammy’s oxygen deprivation and trying to kill Sue Miller, while the two try to reattach the tubing to the portable and in their haste then rip the tubing off of Grammy’s face. While this is going down, Sue Miller is holding up traffic in the parking lot because clearly she can’t walk and laugh and breathe all at the same time. Just a typical Friday night.

6. Did you read about the nit wit criminal that broke into a house in the Tatnuck Square area and then proceeded to fall asleep on the homeowners couch surrounded by 20 bags of cocaine? Ok, so where do I start…first off, if you’re going to break and enter in the nighttime, make sure you take a nap first ya moron, second, if you’re going to stop and rest, perhaps it would be a good idea to put your stash in a backpack – follow the example of all the teenage boys everywhere who walk around with empty backpacks, only fill yours, and third, don’t be an idiot…stay off the crack and quit breaking in to houses. Hmmm backpacks...what would I put in a backpack should I be given one to use for work purposes? I'll tell you what I won't put in it - illegal drugs - idiots. Exhibit 4, should I get a work issued backpack, I'd like a purple Dora the Explorer one, I don't ask for much.

7. Speaking of cocaine. Don’t trust when you’ve been decaffeinated for 6 months, go to Starbucks and order an Americano decaf. They will screw it up. They'll tell you it wasn't on purpose, but let's face it, our coffee servers have to keep themselves entertained. They will give you the caffeinated version which after 6 months of decaf is like having your heart accidentally zapped by a defibrillator. I’m pretty sure it took Sammy three days to recover from that espresso shot caffeinated buzz. I don’t know much, but I’ll tell you this – that can’t be good for you.

8. In other news, if you read last week, you’ll remember we talked about Table Talk Pies and google maps. I’m sad to report that someone of more importance than myself, fixed this oversight. Don’t let anyone tell you that it didn’t happen, we have photo evidence people. And I’m still looking for the person responsible for it, because it was brilliant. Exhibit 5, Table Talk Pies on google last week and this weeks updated version.

9. The new 2022 Calendars that Elder Services is handing out, let's talk about those. I thought I’d be nice and take a few to give to a client or two. Well, I’ll be rethinking that gesture. Anyone else notice that it’s the 2021-2022 calendar that clearly states on the front, 16 month calendar? It starts in September 2021, so how do you think that worked out for me? I work with the underserved, often cognitively impaired elder population. Here are some of the comments…

- ”16 months? Since when is there 16 months in a year?”

- “ September 2021? Isn’t it November?”

- “ You giving these out free because they’re misprints?”

- “ Listen lady, I’m not stupid. You’re gonna have to do better than that if you’re trying to prove I don’t know what’s going on…”

- " Thanks, but that's going right in the trash. "

Screw it – they all went in the dumpster.

10. Me - Meri, where’s Dad?

Meri -He’s outside raking leaves.

Me -Why aren’t you outside helping him?

Meri - Because I’m helping him from in here.

Me - Really? And how does that work?

Meri - I look out the window every once in a while and tell him he’s doing a good job…”

Al - " Leaf me alone..."

11. And last but not least…I'll leave you with some words of wisdom that I've decided is our quote of the week...

"Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you..."

- Laura Leblanc 11/8/2021

Have a great weekend!