Your Weekly Antics All About Gibson Edition...9-14-23

Well kids, I’d like to consider myself and my family veteran dog people. We are not new to dogs or puppies, welcoming our share of these fury four legged creatures in to our home over the years. The problem dogs, the dogs we “fostered” that never left our house and moved right in, the chewers, the runners, the disgruntled, the diggers, the disabled, the aggressive, the jumpers, the scaredy cats, the absolute loves and the absolute jerks. People often ask what do you need another dog for? I ask why the hell not? Again and again I’ll tell anyone who asks, I like dogs more than most people, and will stand firm in that statement until my dying day…Here’s what I’ve got…

1. An adorable puppy he is or is not, depending on how you perceive puppy. If you enjoy a 5 month old dog who is already 50 or so pounds consisting of lanky body and limbs that he’s not quite accustomed to or knows how to operate correctly, then he’s your guy. If you expect him to control his heartfelt glee when you enter my home and assume he can control himself when running right at you to greet you, you will be sadly mistaken. A tiny lap dog he is not, he loves everyone and is overly generous with his affection. He does not take a hint, and should you tell him you’re not interested in his giant meaty paws he’s throwing at you showing you his one and only trick, he will carry on thinking try and try again will eventually win you over. It’s never crossed his mind that not everyone he meets are dog people, his people, and that you may not understand that you deserve his love.

2. Any window is his window that he feels he should, and will have access to. Windows are not to be looked out of, but to be sat in. There will be no barriers that will deter him from getting an in-person view of the goings on of your street. He won’t do anything to defend you or your property, but he must know what’s going on anyway, just in case. He’s like that nosy neighbor who knows what’s going on at all times, but doesn’t do anything about it. Exhibit 1, Gibson using Sue Miller’s radiator cover to see what’s going outside the window in her hood. No plants were harmed…good thing, or there’d be a different picture being used for Exhibit 1.

3. There is no urge in urgency with this dog. He’ll pay attention to you and come to you when he pleases. There are no fires under his butt ever or anything that makes him think he better get moving. He’ll get to you when he gets to you, Goose, our deaf dog listens better than him. He started dog school yesterday and slept through most of it, and not due to it being unengaging or boring, he just feels any time is a great time for a nap. If you don’t have the patience to wait around for him to eventually saunter over to see what it is you’re bothering him with, again, he is not the dog for you. He’s like that teenager we try to pry away from their cell phone, only worse. You can scare that teenager with the loss of his cell privileges, but there’s nothing you can threaten Gibson with – he just doesn’t care.

4. If you don’t appreciate and understand dog drool, this is not the house to come to. A little fur on your black work pants is going to be the least of your problems. It doesn't show itself all the time, but when it does, his drool is a whole entity on its own. We’re not certain if it’s dog drool or some other kind of substance that could be used to hold the furniture together, wallpaper your walls with or use to reattach your bumper.

5. If you expect our fine friend to have any sense of urgency, again you will be sadly mistaken. This dog has three speeds. Not moving at all, moving slowly, and 5 uninterrupted minutes of full-on zoomies approximately three times a day. If you happen to arrive during one of these zoomy episodes, please take cover, they are rare but unforgettable. This is my family’s disclaimer. Find a seat at the table, pull your chair in, and be prepared to wait it out. It’s over as soon as it starts, but if you’re in his way, he will blow you over. I acknowledge that this statement being made in #5 is contradictory to everything else I’ve said thus far and will say in #’s 6-10. That only speaks to the significance of the zoomies, the effect they have on this dog, and the destruction he leaves in his wake. These are the times of day that we are reminded, yes, he is a puppy, and yes, he is in fact, a dog, making up for any suspicions we may have had about him being Artificial Intelligence in dog form or an alien. These zoomies make up for the calm, collected and unphased dog we get the remaining hours of the day. Need further clarification of what zoomies are? Here’s a definition found on google…where we get all of our 100% accurate information…

Zoomies are generally caused by a build-up of excess energy which is then released in one short burst. Don't worry though, it's a completely natural behavior.

6. You want to bring him an overpriced dog toy? Top of the line toy guaranteed to be indestructible, made especially for large breed super chewers? Don’t fall into that trap and don’t waste your money. You have a pair of shoes you don’t like that you’re feeling bad about throwing in Good Will? Drop them off here, they’ll be eaten in seconds. Have you been trying to convince yourself that you really should retile your kitchen floor, and want to save on labor by removing the original tiles yourself? He'd love to pull them up for you, give me your address, I’ll drop him off. Old towels, socks, any other fabric type items that can be ingested and present as an intestinal blockage? Bring those too, they’ll disappear right before your eyes. By the time this dog is a year old we’re going to have an ultrasound tech on speed dial.

7. This dog will chew and digest anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G… couch cushions, entire dog toys, stuffing from those couch cushions, inside of shoes, windowsills, window molding, ceramic flooring, muffins, donuts, anything his head can reach on a counter, blankets, Meri’s ear pods, dog bed, your bed, seatbelt buckles. Yes Al, I have yet to tell you that one, so I’m telling you now…Gibson ate the seat belt. Al’s not a regular reader like the rest of you loyal readers, so he may never find out…

8. That Bitter Apple Spray that’s supposed to deter your chewer from chewing objects in your home? If you need it, let me know and you can have ours. Gibson likes it. In fact, he treats this bitter apple spray as if it were a condiment…dining room table leg with a side of bitter apple spray please…thank you very much.

9. No, we do not have a pony or a mini horse. That right there that you almost stepped in, that would be from Gibson. Oh and look…there’s Meri’s air pod that went missing. The green running shoes Sam left here to use when he’s home, there’s the innersole that goes to that…Reaghans ice roller thing-ie, there’s a piece of that too. All mysteries are solved when doing poop patrol in the yard. Sounds gross, but as Shrek would say, better out than in…at least if the missing items make an appearance in the yard, that’s less money spent at the vet. Small victories people, small victories.

10. Unlike Harley, Gibson is un phased by the woodland creatures who attempt to take over the yard. He doesn’t bark, whine or make any movements that would give us the impression that he is impressed by them at all. In short, he is an utter disappointment regarding hunting and protecting as far as Harley is concerned, and all work she has put in to making our yard as unwelcoming as possible has been quickly undone. Squirrels now peruse freely through the yard scavenging for items they can add to their stash for the winter. Chipmunks are now traveling freely to and from the drainpipes, hoarding grass, weeds, leaves and whatever else they can find to make themselves comfortable, rendering the drainpipes useless, all while Gibson doesn’t bat an eye. He’s thrown out the welcome mat to all rabbits to choose our yard to build their nests, he’ll even dig the holes for them, so they can comfortably birth their babies like they’ve just checked in to the labor and delivery unit of one of our local hospitals. He has made our yard a safe haven for all critters far and wide. If a leaf falls or the wind blows a branch ever so slightly out of place however, he loses his mind.

And last but not least...everyone should be like Gibson. Think long and hard if it's worth getting all worked up about. If it is, give yourself about 3-5 minutes to practice the human version of a zoomy, and run around your house or your office to blow off some steam - you'll feel better.

Have a great weekend!